5 Essential Principles of Conflict Management

 

Conflict Management applies to all areas of our lives.  The workplace requires effective conflict management to ensure productive relationships.  Conflict in the workplace includes:

• colleague to colleague
• employee to supervisor
• internal (company) to external (customer)
• interdepartmental (between business units)
• management (as a whole) to worker (union)

In our personal lives the potential for conflict seems like it is infinite.  Examples include:

• Parent to child
• sibling to sibling
• friend to friend
• And, of course, spouse to spouse

Relationships are full of ups and downs.  The potential for disagreement is ever-present.  If we can learn to negotiate conflict we will experience improved productivity, happier relationships and much less stress in our lives.  I would like to offer the following principles as a guideline for managing conflict.

1. Conflict Management really comes down to crucial conversations: Managing conflict at its core is about being willing to have crucial conversations.  Most people struggle with identifying and initiating these crucial conversations.  The first principle is IDENTIFICATION of these conversations.  Crucial conversations contain the following elements:
   1. There is a difference of opinion: this is an obvious element. If the parties involved are “in agreement” then the issue is settled.
   2. The stakes are high: if the matter is insignificant and petty then the difficulty of the conversation is also insignificant. In crucial conversations the stakes are very high.  For example, money issues/contracts in business; differences in parenting approaches among spouses; contrasting opinions on business plans between partners.
   3. Emotions run high: it is easy to see how emotions can ramp up in the midst of these difficult conversations. It is very easy for people to act out in anger and frustration during a serious and important discussion.
2. There are 3 ways to handle crucial conversations:
   1. Avoid the conversation: this is probably most common. The parties involved unconsciously (or consciously) avoid confronting the important issues.  The idea of having a difficult and potentially contentious conversation is too much to handle.  There is a tendency to make excuses and hope for the best.  The problem with this approach is obvious.  The unspoken issues are going to break through at some point.  All too often the result is an overly aggressive outburst when the individual “can’t take it anymore”.  In addition, these unspoken issues create underlying stress that can be detrimental in its own right.
   2. Have the conversation and handle it poorly: this is frequently the result of the above mentioned avoidant behavior. However, poorly handled conversations can also occur even when issues are immediately addressed.  Poorly handled conversations are laden with anger and anxiety.  Relationships can be permanently damaged when these conversations are butchered.
   3. Have the conversation and handle it well: it is possible to have a crucial conversation that results in positive outcome for all involved.
3. When entering into a crucial conversation be sure you have a clear understanding of your desired outcome. This will guide the course of the conversation.  You need to be rational and objective about the intended outcome.  Many times people have objectives that are less than productive.  These thoughts are usually operating at a subconscious level and the individual is not overtly aware of their own operating system.  Self-awareness is essential to managing conflict.  We need to be 100% honest in terms of our intended outcomes.  Examples of problematic desired outcomes include:
   1. To put someone in their place.
   2. To get “my own way”.
   3. To win the argument.

4. In a similar vein we are more likely to productively manage conflict if we have a general awareness of our own shortcomings and “buttons”. We need to exercise good social judgement and assess our areas of strength and our areas of weakness.  Are we easily frustrated by certain subject areas?  Do we have a history of conflict with the others involved?  Do we struggle with authority?  Are we fearful of how our teenager will respond to the conversation?   These stories are running through our mind and greatly influence the way we interact with the world.  If we become aware of our personal triggers we are more likely to manage our emotions effectively.  Essentially we need to minimize our “blind spot” in order to negotiate these high emotion interactions.
5. Finally, we need to approach crucial conversations from a WIN-WIN perspective. We should ask ourselves the following question:  How can both parties gain from the interaction?  This will require an intentional effort on our part.  Our default setting is to try to advance our own cause and “win” the negotiation.  But remember, a crucial conversation is not a negotiation.  Instead, a crucial conversation is a way of maintaining and advancing a professional or personal relationship.

 

Take the opportunity to apply these principles to the next conflict that arises in your life.  We believe that the use of these principles will make a huge difference in your management of conflict which in turn will improve your life…both professionally and personally.