6 Psuedo-Supportive Individuals To AVOID

 

Not all support is created equal.

Unfortunately we live in a relatively inauthentic world.  People are in a constant state of trying to measure up and this makes it more difficult for people to open up in honest and vulnerable ways.  When seeking a person to lean on be careful to select someone who will lift you up.  At the same time they need to be willing to say the “hard things” that we need to hear.  Many times we will automatically look to family or friends for support.  However, beware the following personality types.  A supportive relationship with these characters may be more trouble than it is worth:

 

The JUDGER:

This individual will judge the situation and your role in the problem.  The JUDGER may not openly tell you how wrong you are but you will be able to sense the judgement in the air.  The JUDGER tends to say ridiculous things like “If that was my son I would have kicked him out of the house a long time ago”!!!  Which, by the way, is completely untrue.  If it was his or her son there would be many reasons why alternative responses are appropriate.  When you get off the phone or finish a meeting with the JUDGER you think you are completely inadequate.  You also think you and your family are the only family to have these problems.  Run the other way when you encounter a JUDGER.

The PUNISHER:

Closely related to the JUDGER the PUNISHER will simply tell you how bad a job you are doing.  “I can’t believe you have let this thing go on so long”…. “I have been telling you for years to set limits”…  “Just suck it up and make the change”…  You will be intimidated by the PUNISHER because they are very aggressive.  The PUNISHER can come off like a bully and, just like a bully, they will need to be punched in the face (figuratively) to change this dynamic.  You need to assertively reframe the relationship by refusing to take calls and fighting back when the PUNISHER lights you up for a “job poorly done”.

The SIMPLIFIER:

This person will provide you with completely obvious advice.  For example, when you share that your son or daughter are struggling with school the SIMPLIFIER will tell you to make sure they do their homework.  Their intentions are good.  They are not as mean as the JUDGER or the PUNISHER but it can be an extremely frustrating experience.  You can tolerate a SIMPLIFIER but should probably time the interactions accordingly.  Do not seek out support from the SIMPLIFIER when you are seeking an answer to a specific situation.

The COMISSERATER:

This person will agree with everything you say and will reinforce how bad your current situation is.  You have to be very cautious with the COMISSERATER as you will be drawn to the reinforcement and you will initially feel good when the COMISSERATER agrees with you.  However, these interactions can quickly become a downward cycle of despair.  You will probably not come out of the situation with a new perspective and it is likely that you will fall deeper into the cognitive triad of “I suck, the world sucks, and it always will”.  This is a scary place to be.  Avoid the COMISSERATER.  Believe it or not they are more toxic than even the PUNISHER.

The IMPLODER:

This is usually a family member or old close friend who blows you up by direct ridicule/confrontation and/or breaks your confidence.  You inexplicably keep going back for more.  Probably because of familiarity and pre-existing relationships.  Also you may feel a sense of obligation toward certain people.  An example would be talking to your mom about your spouse.  You hope the situation can be held in confidence but your siblings wind up hearing about the situation.  If it happens once it is a mistake.  Twice is a pattern.  Three or more times is a pathology.  The IMPLODER must be avoided OR you can directly confront the behavior.  This may be necessary if it is a family member with whom you need ongoing contact.

The HOLOGRAM:

This is the most diabolical and dangerous of the bunch.  This is a fake person who just wants to feel better about themselves at your expense.  They will offer advice and sympathy.  It will seem to be very helpful but there is no real level of trust.  The HOLOGRAM has no concern or empathy and they are “not real in substance”.   Unfortunately there are many people out there who fit this profile.  In today’s FACEBOOK reality it can sometimes be difficult to find a genuine person.  Put the HOLOGRAM on a “no-contact” list and tape that list to your bathroom mirror.  Never interact with the HOLOGRAM and allow them to go find a new person to suck the life out of.

BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE:

There are trustworthy and wise people out there.   Just take the time to put yourself around people who lift you up.  If you are dealing with an emotional situation or a personal crisis the last thing you need is interacting with someone who makes you feel worse after the interaction.  Next week we will talk more about where to find a corner man…