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Dealing with Anxiety & Chronic Worry

Dealing with Anxiety & Chronic Worry

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This is a 1948 version of Dale Carnegie’s book: How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.

I found this book hidden away at the #witnessprotection cabin.

The previous owner was a self improvement junkie just like me…. she passed away suddenly and left behind all these self-improvement books.

I have the new version of the book (printed in 2004).

This old school version isn’t worth more money or anything like that it’s just kinda cool to find this here. I think this book is one of the most effective tools for dealing with anxiety and chronic worry.

The previous owner most certainly got some mileage from these techniques and now I will do the same.

Rule #1: If you want to avoid worry, do what Sir William Osler did. Live in “day-tight compartments”.

a) Don’t stew about the future.
b) Just live each day until bedtime.

Rule # 2: Next time you are faced with TROUBLE try the magic formula of Willis H. Carrier:

a) Ask yourself: what is the worst that can happen?
b) Prepare yourself mentally to accept the worst
c) But calmly try to improve upon the “worst”–which you have already accepted.

Rule # 3: Remind yourself of the exorbitant price you can pay for worry in terms of your health.

“Businessmen who do not know how to fight worry die young”.

Another good piece of advice:

When faced with a seemingly insurmountable problem:

1) Get the facts
2) Analyze the facts
3) Arrive at a decision and act on that decision.

Boom… there you have it…

Recovery Cartel Blog - Kids

This Is Not A U.F.C. Match – This is About Your Kids

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When I talk with younger people who went through the substance misuse progression many of these kids say:

“No one said anything to me”… “it wasn’t talked about in school”.  “It wasn’t talked about anywhere”.

I’m not sure what the official protocol on prevention is these days.

I do know that youth drug use isn’t escalating.

It’s not that more kids than ever are using.

It’s that the ones who are using are using “Frankenstein Killer” substances.

So maybe prevention is working in the sense of overall use. It’s probably not a prevention issue.

It’s a “how do you talk to an impulsive and invincible 18 year old who’s already experimented with stuff”…issue.

I don’t think we know how to talk about the issue of substance misuse in a reasonable manner.

MORE HARM THAN GOOD

Some of us probably do a better job than others. And there a lot of “experts” out there who will tell you exactly how to do it.

Say this…don’t say that… etc…. give them a minute and some of them will make you feel like a shitty parent because you are an enabler and just won’t take action and kick the bum out.

But we know the research is clear.

Tough love does more harm than good.

You may need to set boundaries and you may need to work on changing some behaviors on your end.

I AM A PARENT TO

I don’t know how you should “do it” and I would never be so puffed up as to give a set of instructors.

I can tell you what not to do…. and I can give general guidelines.

And I can support you through the fear.

Not because I am the world’s greatest therapist (actually I am currently ranked number 3 worldwide by Therapist Illustrated).

No I can support through the fear because I’m a scared parent too….

TRIPLE P’s

I can’t deal with the perfect parent posers…

I call them the “triple P’s”.

I know one thing. None of the potential solutions have anything to do with being “tough”.

It’s parenting, not a UFC match.

And beware of people in the addiction treatment field who are quick to push a trip to rehab; when all you really wanted was some info..

Recovery Cartel Blog - Talk

Talk about Substance Use ??? Yes It Really Is OK!

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HEADS UP

This is just a heads up. It is okay to talk about substance use and impact on your life without going to rehab or “admitting you are an alcoholic or addict”.

There is no research or evidence to support continuing the same path until you “hit bottom”. It’s simply dead wrong.

Never was legit. And never was meant to guide our society’s response.

NOT POLICY

It’s a slogan that was helpful way for people (family) to understand the limitations of their control. And a way to explain the phenomenon of human motivation at a base level.

Slogans are not meant guide healthcare policy.

FAMILY MEMBERS

If you are a family member with a loved one misusing substances remember you can also seek info.

  1. Ask questions.
  2. Educate yourself.
  3. Learn about this issue.
  4. Don’t listen to people who immediately start pushing rehab.

A HEALTHCARE CONCERN

There is much to learn. Tough love is another overused term.

Be careful where you get information and try to approach this in a manner similar to other healthcare issues.

This is a healthcare concern and lifestyle management issue that falls along a wide spectrum.

TALK ABOUT IT TODAY

Talk about it. Before it gets worse.

Talk about it with your doctor.

Talk about it with a good therapist. Or just get more information.

Read. Learn. You can talk about it even if you don’t want to quit.

Rich Jones Recovery Cartel Blog

Moving to Montana?

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I Will Move to Montana Tomorrow!

I’m coming out the other end of a very rough period in my life. I’m re-calibrated.

I’m back (I’m gonna rant soon to make it official). People say that wisdom is the accumulation and assimilation of life’s experiences; when evaluated and processed these events provide valuable perspective.

If you come out of an event with new perspective then the event was productive and has meaning.

Making meaning out of suffering is our only hope for a good life. Recent events in my life make this quote I have included in the blog post from Steve Jobs more significant for me.

Rich Jones Recovery Cartel Blog

I will not be constrained by conventional wisdom and the dictates of society…or the dogma of my industry.

Believe me… life is short. Life is hard. Life comes with challenges and obstacles and emotional strife.

Life will punch you in the face. But what makes it even harder? When you deal with these challenges wondering what other people think.

Or when you make decisions based on what society says you “should” do or what tradition dictates.

Think about the people who’s opinion you have given too much value. Most of these people in society who are dragging other people down are suffering at a deep level. Most of the “norms” are random and superficial. Most people follow the rules because it’s “just the way we do things”… Who made these rules?

I may screw things up but it will not be out of fear and it will not be because I’m timid and afraid to take a chance. I will mitigate risk as much as possible (this can be done relatively easily). I will ask for advice from people I respect. I will seek wisdom from people with special skills and knowledge. I will ask my wife what she thinks. I will not stay stagnant just because it’s “comfortable” because for me it isn’t comfortable… It’s deadly…

I vow, I will not make a decision based on how it fits in with dogma. I will move to Montana tomorrow and become a cowboy if I think it will be good for me, my family and my mission….

Can you imagine that? Me as a cowboy…well maybe that’s not the best example…

Richard Jones MY STORY OF ADDICTION AND RECOVERY

MY STORY – ADDICTION AND RECOVERY.

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This is My Story – Rich Jones

My name is Richard Jones and this is my story!

When I was “out there” in active addiction I was vaguely aware of what “addiction” was.

My job exposed me to the mental health world as I worked in healthcare.  I was not a clinician so my knowledge remained on a superficial level. However, I was aware that the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) was the “book” used to diagnose both mental health and substance use disorders.

https://www.appi.org/Diagnostic_and_Statistical_Manual_of_Mental_Disorders_DSM-5_Fifth_Edition

I had access to these manuals via my “psychiatrist co-workers” in the health system.

On many occasions,

I found myself looking over the criteria for substance abuse and dependency-as it was called at that time; 1998…

  • I would read the criteria and read it over and over again.
  • I would dissect the words and see if it applied to me.
  • I was not living under a bridge or eating out of a dumpster.
  • I had not been to jail.
  • I was losing my family…but I had not lost my family.

Most of my consequences were internal.

  • I was never sleeping.
  • I was “dope-sick”/experiencing withdrawal on most days but didn’t really know what was happening to me.
  • I was using opioid based pain pills that I was getting prescribed (from several doctors).
  • I never bought it off the street.

This allowed me to buy into the concept that “it was from a doctor and couldn’t be that bad”.

  • I was always running out early.
  • I was always terrified of running out early.
  • I had suicidal thoughts.

But no one really knew what was going on with me.  Not even my family.

Richard Jones The Jones Family

  • I was in an internal hell.

But it wasn’t dramatic and

  • I wasn’t a “scum-bag, liar, cheater, and thief” of an addict.
  • I was a pretty high functioning person who was quietly, yet desperately, dependent on substances to get through the day.

Oh…on a side note: alcohol was ever present and I was probably more dependent on that substance.  It was just socially acceptable and therefore I didn’t identify it as the main problem.

The Manual Said

Man… I would look at that Diagnostic Manual and play with the criteria in my mind.

The manual said “inability to control use” was a symptom:

  • I would tell myself that really didn’t apply to me because “it wasn’t lack of control.
  • I actually wanted to drink 24 beers and eat 10 Percocet… so I was in control…it was my choice”.

The manual said “can’t cut down” was a symptom:

  • I would tell myself that I really could cut down if I wanted “I just haven’t decided to yet”…

The manual said “interpersonal problems due to using”:

  • I told myself that my wife had an attitude problem and it really wasn’t on me…

And I looked at this manual over and over…and as time went by I had more and more trouble writing it off.  But I was always able to do so.

Because I was NEVER TALKING TO ANYONE ABOUT THIS.

I Never Discussed My Substance Use

Richard Jones

My mom, my wife, told me to see counselors or “go to AA” and I flat out refused.

  • I was clueless as to what was happening to me…

I turned the book upside down to see if it made more sense from a different angle.

  • I couldn’t figure it out.

Once I went to an EAP counselor and I was just waiting for her to ask me about my use and give me some answers.  But all we talked about was “stress” and “career planning”.

You see…she wasn’t a drug and alcohol “specialist”. So we didn’t go there.

I just simply never discussed my substance use with anyone despite the fact that it was destroying my life.  And it got worse and I did temporarily lose my mind and my family and my sense of purpose and my future.

  • Why did it have to roll on so long????
  • Did I have to “hit bottom”?
  • Did I have to “become ready”?

Or

  • Would I have benefitted from a conversation.

I Found Recovery

As you can probably assume…I eventually found recovery and went back to school and got a graduate degree in Sociology with concentration in Addiction studies, became a therapist, went back and got an MBA with a concentration in healthcare management.

I jumped through a bunch of hoops a got licenses and certifications.

Started working in the field in 2001—basically as soon as I entered recovery.  And I’ve learned a lot.  Both personally and professionally.

Based on all this…What do I believe people need to know:

  • Substance use disorder. It is a real problem.  It’s a brain issue.  It’s not bad behavior or just a bad habit.  It will get worse and it will not just go away on its own.
  • That said…it takes on many different variations. Just like other diseases there are different stages or different “species” of addiction.  There is no such thing as a garden variety drug addict—as you so often hear people say.  The word addict is demeaning and people say addicts are scumbags and liars and cheaters and thieves.  That doesn’t help and it’s not accurate.  It’s an individualized experience.  Don’t buy into the hype.
  • Following logically behind premise number 2–there are multiple ways to “get better”. There is no one prescribed way to recover.  It is an individualized experience
  • I wish someone would have engaged my family in the process. Families are profoundly impacted and deserve information. Families should be included not removed from the process. Unless their involvement is dangerous for the person needing recovery or for the family members.
  • You are allowed to talk to someone without making a commitment to quit everything all together and “never take another drink”. This would have been the most beneficial piece of information for me when I was “out there”.   I stayed away from “addiction counselors” for years because I wasn’t going to “quit everything”.
  • You don’t automatically need to go to rehab. There is actually a clinical assessment process that indicates level of care.  You would never know that based on the media and based on the behavior of some rehab marketers.  But rehab is not always necessary.
  • There are many people in recovery who did not go to jail and/or ate out of a dumpster. We have allowed ourselves to become caricatures and we promote stereotypes of the scumbag drug addict. I’m sure this chases many people away from recovery.  Don’t buy into that… it’s a very diverse crowd.
  • There is medicine available that can support recovery. Staying alive is first on the agenda. Don’t let uneducated and uniformed people tell you otherwise. It’s not the only option.  But it is an option.
  • It may be hard to find people who are willing to meet you where you are at in the process of change. Keep looking. Professionals are wrong when they blindly confront you and prescribe one size fits all solutions. Don’t quit the process based on a bad experience. Find another meeting or another therapist or another program. Be your own advocate.
  • If you are using heroin or “pills from the street” (or apparently cocaine)–In today’s world of carfentanil and fentanyl please understand you are playing Russian roulette every time you use.  It is better to seek help even if you are “not sure you are ready for recovery” and let a professional help you figure out options…than it is to continue on until you “hit bottom”.  Hitting bottom today means death…too often.

YOU CAN GET BETTER…LIFE CAN BE BETTER.

YOU WILL BE ABLE TO SLEEP AGAIN…

YOU WILL BE ABLE TO LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR AGAIN.

Support and Family Recovery

Support Not Judgement with Child’s Addiction

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SUPPORT NOT JUDGEMENT by Rich Jones

Proper Support is Key

When dealing with our children’s addiction having the proper support is key.

We all want to put our best self forward. It is human nature. The sociologist Irvin Goffman referred to this as “impression management”.

We want to be viewed as competent and our children to be viewed as successful. Of course we want our marriages to be viewed as blissful as well as wanting our schools to be top notch and our community to be viewed as impeccable.

This has always been the case. Of course, Facebook has taken impression management to an entirely new level. We want the picture to look perfect, however, addiction makes the picture ugly. Unfortunately, these tendencies to hide the truth play right into the hands of addiction.

Denial exists on the individual level, the family level and the community level. Admitting that addiction has entered the scene is a very difficult thing to do. It comes with so much shame and embarrassment.

Keeping People from Getting Help

The stigma around addiction is alive and well and it keeps people from seeking help. It also contributes to the family tendency to unintentionally protect the addiction.

We don’t want others to know so we suffer in silence and we hope for the best. Many families won’t even talk to other family members for fear of being judged. We also know this can extend itself to our schools and other community institutions.

If we aren’t careful there will be a collective effort to minimize the seriousness of substance use disorders.
This is especially pronounced where parents are concerned.

What for Intrusive Thoughts

When you are dealing with a child who is struggling with addiction there will be a lot of fear based and anxiety. Intrusive thoughts can and will invade your consciousness.

Thoughts like:

  • What do we do now?
  • Is he going to make it out alive?
  • What if he winds up in jail?
  • Where do we send him for help?
  • Where did we go wrong?
  • How do we pay for this help?

Many uncomfortable “scenarios” will be played out in your mind.

You will spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out all the possible outcomes. This process is natural and hard to avoid. You will learn to manage the troublesome thoughts and ideas. Although, they do seem to come on they come naturally.

All of this contributes to a great deal of stress and can manifest itself in serious physical and mental health problems for parents.

But there are some UNNECESSARY thoughts that may pop up.

What Will They Think

This category will suck the life out of parents. These thoughts serve no purpose and will ultimately make the entire recovery process more difficult to manage.

We call this the “WHAT WILL “THEY” THINK CATEGORY.

You may ask. Who is this mysterious “they”?

“They” are all the people in your life that you believe will judge you and your kid harshly. Could be friends, could be family, could be acquaintances, could be co-workers, could be the preacher at church, could be anyone… anyone you are concerned may pass judgement.

Examples include:

  • What will grandma and grandpa think about this situation?
  • The preacher, what will think about my son?
  • What will my co-workers think about this issue?
  • What will the ladies my prayer group say about his behavior?

These are the thoughts that need to be crushed. Parents have enough on their plate.

We are Dealing with  a Healthcare Issue

Adding the emotional turmoil of societal judgment will impede their ability to solve problems, think clearly and manage the very real stress associated with the situation.

Substance use disorders are a healthcare issue and should be treated as such.

If a person is drinking too much or using substances at a dangerous level it needs to be talked about and addressed. There is nothing to be ashamed of in seeking help. There is no downside to asking questions.

Developing a Strategy and Plan

Family members need an outlet to explore their concerns and individuals need ease of access to start the recovery process. We must create environments of open sharing and positivity.

We must make recovery a welcoming process. There needs to be an uplifting and empowering “vibe” around recovery.

Parents need to look for information and support and ultimately start to develop a plan for managing the issue:
Some simple and practical advice:

  1. Inform and educate yourself on the subject of addiction and recovery.
  2. Look for books and resources and look to experts but be careful because many people have declared themselves instant experts. Make sure they are people with experience in this area.
  3. Reach out to other parents who have dealt with addiction. This makes a great resource.
  4. Make a plan for your recovery and a plan for “your response” to the CURRENT STAGE of your loved one’s disease. Again, education is paramount.
  5. Find a coach or supportive person to encourage and guide you as you make these plans.
  6. Work the plan. Every time you get off track get right back on the plan.
  7. Maintain Contact with your coach as your work the plan.

Encouragement and supportive advice is essential throughout.

family recovery

Family Recovery: FOCUSING ON YOURSELF!

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FOCUSING ON YOURSELF!  by Richard Jones

The concept of “working on yourself” is difficult for families to grasp. In our Family Recovery Groups at FAVOR Greenville we spend a lot of time on this issue.

The impulse to control and fix is natural. It’s not pathological to want to rescue your child. It is biological hardwired into you as a mother.

You are compelled at an instinctual level to “save your child”.  When people dismiss you out of hand and scoff at your desire to help they are being short-sighted and demonstrating a fundamental lack of understanding.

Kick the Bum Out

When people tell you to detach and “kick the bum out” they are being cruel and engaging in classic “do as I say not as I do” behavior.

These good people would not follow their own knee-jerk advice. If we were to reverse the roles.

Rescuing can, however, become counter-productive and enable the addicted individual to engage in ongoing self-destructive behaviors. In addition, you are going to personally self-destruct.

You can only handle so many sleepless nights and anxiety filled days.

The Worry Cycle

I know what it is like to find yourself in the worry cycle.  That endless path of chasing scenario after scenario.  All the “what ifs”. The negative impact of stress on physical health has been well documented.

Upwards of 70 serious health conditions are directly caused or exacerbated by chronic stress.  The addiction will take you out as quick as it will take out your loved one.

Lastly, as you work on yourself you increase the likelihood of change in your loved one.

Family Systems Theory

The family is a system; changing one part of a system influences all other parts of the system.

Family systems theory holds that individual family members fall into predictable roles and serve particular functions within the larger family system.

In addition, the family system (indeed any system) exists to preserve itself.

Unless acted upon by a strong internal or external force the system will proceed down the path of collective destruction. Given this reality it is self-evident then that any individual part of that system could impact the system as a whole.  Including the addicted individual.

Therefore, when in doubt.

Work on yourself!

It seems to me that all family recovery addresses three interrelated issues:

Anxiety, Worry, and Chronic Stress.

Therefore, why don’t you initiate a practice of focusing on actions. Focus on positive actions that reduce anxiety, worry and stress.

Helpful and Healthy Suggestions:

Become part of a group. We are social creatures. You don’t even need to enjoy the content of the group. Just being around people with similar struggles will prove uplifting.

The benefits of group are clear:

  • Universality – you realize you are not alone
  • Altruism – you get to help others
  • Imitative Behavior – you hear from others who have gone through the same thing and
  • Develop Coping Skills – more adaptive responses.
  • Instillation of Hope—Perhaps the most powerful factor

These are 3 FREE and easily accessible activities which have proven to reduce stress:

  • Go outside, take a walk
  • Listen to your favorite music
  • Smile and laugh
  1. Do something fun for yourself that is solely meant to provide entertainment and fun and not work related.
  2. Prayer and meditation.  Regardless of your personal beliefs we know that prayer and meditation have positive impact on neurobiological pathways.
  3. Find a confidant. One to one. Sometimes you can’t share at group level and having a one to one relationship can be invaluable.  This could be a therapist, a sponsor, or a coach.
  4. Eliminate toxic people from your life.  You have no time for people who drag you down. Eliminate judgmental people.
  5. And most important. –

RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO ISOLATE. ISOLATION CAUSES DEPRESSION. 

It is isolation that is the main cause of depression, not serotonin,

Try a family recovery plan for 6 weeks and
I guarantee you will feel better.

Click Here for Info on Family Recovery

Recovery Cartel Blog - Richard Jones

Family Recovery – 5 Things You Can Do Today!

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Family Recovery Support

An interesting development is unfolding within the addiction treatment and recovery “industry”.  An emerging emphasis on family recovery.

Treatment programs are promoting their “family recovery” support services and recovery organizations are also touting the merits of family involvement.  The term “family recovery coach” is become more and more mainstream.

This is a positive step.  However, I will go on the record.  Family recovery support services go way beyond a workshop addressing detachment and enabling.  Family recovery support services fall on a continuum.  Any level of support is better than no level of support.  But, let’s be clear.  Not all family recovery support services are created equal.

Of course, I believe the Family Recovery Support Services we offer are top notch.  FAVOR Greenville has provided over 15,000 hours of family recovery coaching in a wide variety of settings.

We have engaged over 8,000 family members in individualized family recovery services since 2013.

What We Have Learned

We have learned what works and what doesn’t.  We have learned the best way to engage family members in the process.  We have learned how to provide consistent and effective supervision and continuing education to maximize the performance of our family coaches.

There is the “theory” of family recovery coaching and then there is the practice of family recovery coaching.  Our reference point is the actual practice backed by solid theoretical foundation.

We offer a family recovery group on Monday Nights at FAVOR Greenville that averages 50 plus participants.

We talk a lot about accepting and dealing with the fear associated with living with a loved one’s active addiction. I am struck with the devastating nature of this CHRONIC disease and the deep impact it has on family members. There is a stark reality; it seems we are never out of the woods where addiction is concerned.

“Families just want to see light at the end of the tunnel.” – Rich Jones

We hear consistent stories from family members and we have been able to identify themes of family recovery.  We know that family recovery, just as the addicted person’s recovery, occurs in stages.  A common issue is the lack of recognition of the individual family journey.

Family members are frequently pushed to make decisions to “detach” and to “kick him out” before they are ready to make such a move.  They are told they are “enablers” and they are “going to love their kid to death”.  Some of the people saying these things are misinformed.  Some are dogmatic and hold tight to antiquated beliefs. Some just don’t know what else to say so they turn to clichés.

Tragically, some are motivated by filling beds and use fear to push the family toward an intervention.

They have been told they “are sick too” and they need to work on themselves.  They are told they cannot do anything about their loved one’s disease and they should “focus on their own recovery”. Many of the families run from support when confronted in these ways.

Many times, families arrive to group in a confused and terrified state.

What do we say to these families?

First, it’s okay to try and figure out a way to help your loved one.

Maybe an intervention is in order. Maybe your loved one is willing but you can’t find a resource. Maybe your loved one is already doing some type of recovery and you want to know how to support him.

These are all legitimate questions Our group and individual sessions address these types of inquiries.

***Please see our family recovery page and our Recovery Cartel YouTube Channel.  We have a plethora of video support and information available.

In addition, we would want these families to know there are ways to begin their own recovery process.  If they are ready there are steps that can be taken. It’s counter-intuitive but rather than obsess on loved one’s welfare focus on your own recovery plan. Your family recovery can positively impact your loved one’s recovery.

There are some universal basic suggestions to follow:

1). Practice daily maintenance/daily routine.

Morning prayer; devotionals; reading recovery related literature; exercise; talking to healthy people. Most people focus on “book-end” prayer or meditation routines.  Starting the day with silence and prayer can help with stress and centering an otherwise chaotic world.  Ending the day with gratitude in the face of addiction can bring unforeseen peace and rewards.  It takes discipline but the payoff is real.

2). Find a way to address the inevitable stress and anxiety that arises throughout the day. 

You will find yourself obsessing on your loved one’s welfare.  Worry will be an all-day reality.  A suggested stress reducer:  Tap into the “The Free Three”: get outside; laugh; listen to music.

3). Re-fire to Re-wire: continuously redirect worry and rumination.

For example, tell yourself,  “Dear God please remove this thought…”   If that is not your style focus on your own mantra.  You need to address the rumination in the moment and consistently redirect your thinking over and over and over and over throughout the day.

4). Get clear on what you can do and what you can’t do…in terms of helping your loved one.

Having clarity that you have explored all options will make it more likely you can focus on yourself.

5). Have a crisis plan.

No one should be subject to physical, verbal abuse or threatening. Be willing to call 911. Get educated on the commitment process in your state.  Get educated on the legal process and remember that the legal system can sometimes be your friend.

Please sign up for The Recovery Cartel emails and blog posts.  Stay tuned to our channel and to our Family Group broadcasts.  We are all in this together.

Richard Jones Recovery Cartel

FAMILIES LIVING WITH ACTIVE ADDICTION

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I read a very insightful article in NEW YORK TIMES Sunday on families living with a person in active addiction.

The article essentially chronicled the exhausting and never-ending journey of dealing with the issue of addiction. The violence, the conflict, in and out of treatment, in and out of jail, the constant worry, the financial implications and the list goes on and on.

The story highlights one case where the addicted individual has 4 overdoses in 6 hours.

We know the tragedy of losing a loved one to overdose. Unfortunately, we hear about this quite often. More often the person stays alive and that is good news. However, these families are faced with an entirely different level of chronic stress and ongoing torment. These families are being torn apart.

This is why we need to turn our full attention to helping the family. The way things are set up now the family is an after-thought. In some rare cases there are family programs while the “addicted person” is in treatment. Sometimes there is ongoing follow up. The best-case scenario being a year of after-care support; which is more often focused on the addicted individual not the family.

Staff from rehab and/or staff from the local outpatient clinic are not engaged with the process long term.

Even if a person was somehow in a program for a year it is still just a fraction of the lifelong recovery process. In most cases, long after treatment has been “completed”, and the family/client are a distant memory, the struggle continues.

The facts are: most people bounce from rehab to rehab. It’s not unusual to hear about $100,000 or more being spent. Despite the money the struggle persists. Those of us who “get recovery” are blessed beyond belief. We are miracles.

But our personal good fortune doesn’t erase the reality of this CHRONIC, relapsing disease.

THIS IS WHY WE TURN OUR FULL ATTENTION TO THE FAMILY.

The family is going to bear the full burden of this disease. Detachment was created for wives of alcoholic middle-aged men. Not parents of heroin users. Families are going to need to become mini experts and accomplished system navigators.

Our family Recovery coaching is a family to family model. An assertive and aggressive model where you learn to trust your own judgement and follow your plan rather than “calling the 1-800-GET-HELP” number pushed by the some in the treatment industry.

If you are a family in need we recommend you take the following actions immediately:

1).  Read, get educated, learn what addiction is:

Learn what Recovery options are. You can access the recovery cartel site for basic information. Attending support groups can help. Reading can help. Be careful where you get your information. There are many self-proclaimed experts out there.

2). Become an expert on what your insurance will cover.

Get ready to appeal denials. Understanding your insurance benefits is a very difficult process.

You will need to be very aggressive and persistent with the admission teams and with the insurance company. The insurance company’s strategy is to wear you down. The denials are usually not appealed and the insurance industry fully understands that reality. They are banking on you letting it go.

The stigma and embarrassment around this issue will keep you from asking questions.

3). Start to develop your “team”:

Are we all on the same page and what are our options? Do you believe that your loved one is dealing with addiction? What about others in the family? In general, the more people involved the better. However, you need to make sure everyone is on the same page. Mixed messages are not good.

4).  Support groups.

Whatever is available in your area. Try different types. Al-Anon, Naranon, if you are fortunate enough to be in the Upstate of South Carolina check-out FAVOR family recovery groups.

5). Develop “crisis” plan:

What are you going to do if the person is violent? If their use escalates and their life is in danger? Research the commitment process in your area. Understand the law as it relates to “kicking a person out” of your home. Call 911 when in doubt. Sometimes legal charges are a blessing in disguise.

6). Develop “save my loved one” plan:

This involves finding rehab and/or recovery programs. It often involves an intervention. It involves setting up new boundaries.

Again, the importance of having everyone on the same page can not be over-emphasized enough. Sometimes you can start with a family meeting rather than an intervention. The power of the family can be very profound. You need to prep for the meeting and have the details worked out regarding program placement ahead of time.

Also, compromise is sometimes necessary. Depending on the circumstances, it is sometimes appropriate to settle on a less than ideal resolution. For example, you wanted your loved one in rehab but he has agreed to intensive outpatient. Maybe you take that deal.

7) Develop your own “family recovery plan”:

This can be hard for many family members to understand. Your own family recovery plan involves you focusing on yourself. You need to find a way to have a good day independent of the status of your loved one. You need help and support in managing your emotions and your stress. Support groups can help with this process. Therapist, coaches, sponsors as well.

8) surround yourself with positive supports to help you stay on plan(s):

You don’t have time or energy to deal with negative and toxic people. Your stress level is high enough. All those self-righteous people who want to pass judgment on the situation. Eliminate them from your personal universe.
None of this is easy.

Family members have to view this as a long-term process rather than a single event. There will be ongoing need to course correct. There will be ups and downs. The key is to not get too high or too low.

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We are here for you and we know the journey will continue!

Recovery Cartel Shame of Addiction

DEALING WITH CHILD’S ADDICTION

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WHEN DEALING WITH CHILD’S ADDICTION PARENTS NEED SUPPORT NOT JUDGEMENT

We all want to put our best self forward. It is human nature. The sociologist Irvin Goffman referred to this as “impression management”.  We want to be viewed as competent, we want our children to be viewed as successful, we want our marriages to be viewed as blissful, we want our schools to be top notch, and we want our community to be viewed as impeccable. This has always been the case.

Of course, Facebook has taken impression management to an entirely new level.

We want the picture to look perfect, however, addiction makes the picture ugly.  Unfortunately, these tendencies to hide the truth play right into the hands of addiction. Denial exists on the individual level, the family level and the community level.

Admitting that addiction has entered the scene is a very difficult thing to do.  It comes with so much shame and embarrassment.

The stigma around addiction is alive and well and it keeps people from seeking help. It also contributes to the family tendency to unintentionally protect the addiction. We don’t want others to know so we suffer in silence and we hope for the best. Many families won’t even talk to other family members for fear of being judged. We also know this can extend itself to our schools and other community institutions. If we aren’t careful there will be a collective effort to minimize the seriousness of substance use disorders.

This is especially pronounced where parents are concerned. When you are dealing with a child who is struggling with addiction there will be a lot of fear based and anxiety.  Intrusive thoughts will invade your consciousness.  Thoughts like:

  • What do we do now?
  • Is he going to make it out alive?
  • What if he winds up in jail?
  • Where do we send him for help?
  • Where did we go wrong?
  • How do we pay for this help?

Many uncomfortable “scenarios” will be played out in your mind.  You will spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out all the possible outcomes.  This process is natural and hard to avoid. You will learn to manage them but they come naturally.  All of this contributes to a great deal of stress and can manifest itself in serious physical and mental health problems for parents.

But there are some UNNECESSARY thoughts that may pop up.  This category will suck the life out of parents.  These thoughts serve no purpose and will ultimately make the entire recovery process more difficult to manage.  We call this the “WHAT WILL “THEY” THINK CATEGORY. You may ask. Who is this mysterious “they”?  “They” are all the people in your life that you believe will judge you and your kid harshly. Could be friends, could be family, could be acquaintances, could be co-workers, could be the preacher at church, could be anyone… anyone you are concerned may pass judgement.

Examples include:

  • What will grandma and grandpa think about this situation?
  • What will the preacher think about my son?
  • What will my co-workers think about this issue?
  • What will the ladies my prayer group say about his behavior?

These are the thoughts that need to be crushed. Parents have enough on their plate. Adding the emotional turmoil of societal judgment will impede their ability to solve problems, think clearly and manage the very real stress associated with the situation.

Substance use disorders are a healthcare issue and should be treated as such. If a person is drinking too much or using substances at a dangerous level it needs to be talked about and addressed. There is nothing to be ashamed of in seeking help. There is no down side to asking questions. Family members need an outlet to explore their concerns and individuals need ease of access to start the recovery process. We must create environments of open sharing and positivity.  We must make recovery a welcoming process. There needs to be an uplifting and empowering “vibe” around recovery. Parents need to look for information and support and ultimately start to develop a plan for managing the issue:

Some simple and practical advice:

1) Get uber-educated and informed on the subject of addiction and recovery. Look for books and resources. Look to experts but be careful because many people have declared themselves instant experts.  Look to people with experience in this area. Other parents who have dealt with addiction make a great resource.

2) Make a plan for your recovery and a plan for “your response” to the CURRENT STAGE of your loved one’s disease. Again, education is paramount.

3) Find a coach or supportive person to encourage and guide you as you make these plans.

4) Work the plan. Every time you get off track get right back on the plan.

5) Maintain Contact with your coach as your work the plan. Encouragement and supportive advice is essential throughout.

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