In early recovery, one of the hardest things for me (personally) was “making new friends”. Or “building my network”.
I always used drugs and alcohol to smooth my interactions and initiate relationships. All the sudden I’m trying to make conversation without the benefit being high.
Without the benefit of all the other people around me being high. It’s pretty damn easy to “bond” when everyone is loaded.
My self-recrimination would run rampant during early recovery.
Inside My Head
The script in my head at that time went something like this:
“Damn Rich, that was a stupid thing to say”….
“Damn Rich, that dude thinks you’re a freak”…
“Damn Rich, can you complete a sentence that does not include a slogan”….
“Damn Rich, your head is too large for your body”…
“Damn Rich, your face is all lopsided and crooked”…
“Damn Rich, can you speak in complete sentences or are you attempting to invent some new language based on grunts and clicking noises”…
“Damn Rich, you just sat in your car and ate 24 pop tarts in the parking lot of this meeting because you were too nervous to come in the building early and talk to people (true story)…”
Run Forrest Run!
I would just stand there looking like Forrest Gump when Jenny broke up with him. Then I would have the thought:
“Damn Rich, you should run back to your old pack of clowns and get high…”.
NO…NO… You should NOT do that.
Requirements
Stick it out. Making friends requires showing up on a regular basis.
It requires trust in other human beings.
It requires tolerance of uncomfortable silence when you don’t know what to say… and you just stand there. Feeling like an idiot.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Side Note: I know…. Some of you never had a problem with this type of stuff. You felt like everyone loved you right off the jump. You talked incessantly and were never at a loss for words. You felt like everyone loved everything you said.
That’s called “narcissistic personality disorder”. You should just enjoy yourself and remember that the world exists for your pleasure and benefit.
You probably now work for a treatment center in South Florida and we should all “Call You Now For Help”. #AmericanPsycho
WARNING ⚠
In all seriousness…. Be cautious. There are some real shit-balls out there.
I mean, straight up balls of shit with 2 legs and 2 arms and fitted hats and a “CALL NOW FOR HELP” phone number on display.
Many of those people, are to be avoided.
Do they really have what you want? You have what they want, money!
The Good News – The New You!
There are plenty of good people. Stick with them. And stick it out when you get uncomfortable.
In recovery slogans like ONE DAY AT A TIME , as well as cliches, and bits of advice are tossed around like candy on Easter. Flying rabbits and rainbow pastel stained eggs everywhere.
Some of the candy is good like the Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs. Some of the candy is bad like jelly-beans.
Some of it is straight up weird like those little styrofoam sugar chickens. (see featured image above)
That’s my experience with slogans.
When used responsibly, slogans are impactful and essential. Also, when mindlessly tossed around they are irritating.
When presented as simple go to solutions to life stressors, slogans are dangerous.
The Slogans Challenge
In my humble opinion, the challenge is as follows:
A slogan, in and of itself, is not an answer to a life challenge. It is a good way to show empathy, a good way to fill up the conversation.
However, the slogan itself is not the answer.
Let me give you an example:
Let’s pretend I’m struggling with my son’s health issues and concerns. I’m preoccupied. I’m worried and I’m not getting much sleep.
A good friend would say: “Rich, just take it one day at time. That’s all you can do”.
My response: “How do I do that? “
Good Friend: “What do you mean. You just take it one a day at time”.
Rich: “Yeah, okay, but how. How does it work?”
Good Friend: “Well, you just take it a day at time”.
Rich: “I get that. But how do I do that? How do you do that?”
Good Friend: “Well, I just decided to take it one day at a time”…..
You can see my point. And, perhaps, I’m exaggerating just a little bit. However, this is a common challenge.
What A Slogan Is
A slogan, is NOT a plan of attack.
A slogan represents a philosophy. It is a way of approaching life. Not necessarily the nuts and bolts of life.
Today’s slogan is “One day at a time” and it’s many variations.
One day at time!
Just for today!
All you have is today!
Stay In The Present Moment!
This is good solid advice.
Impossible & Universal
The type of advice that is impossible to ignore. The type of advice that is universally agreed upon.
You CAN NOT argue about the utility of “One day at a time”.
Can you imagine the following exchange?
“Hey Rich, you should take it one day at time….”.
And then I would respond:
“No man, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I think I should focus on what’s going to happen 10 days from now”.
Or better yet…
“No man, I think it’s better if I obsess on things that happened 5 years ago and how that makes me a bad father”.
Of course, I should take it “One day at a time”.
One moment at a time.
One minute at a time.
One second at a time.
I get it. I do not disagree.
I have struggled mightily with this simple concept for the majority of my life. I tend to obsess on interactions and resentments that happened yesterday. I tend to play-out scenarios and “what-ifs” that may arise over the next couple weeks.
It’s not as simple as, “One day at a time”.
I guess I am a slower learner. Being told one day at time does not translate to living one day at time. I have to operationalize these things.
And there seems to be a clear path to ONE DAY AT A TIME:
The Clear Path
HOW to do “One day at a time”:
1) Getting Started
Start with routine and daily maintenance practices that support one day at time living.
Daily meditation.
Routine schedule with morning readings and evening readings.
Part of the routine schedule includes journaling.
D) Practicality
Practical time management and calendar reviews.
Make sure I coordinate with important players in my life.
What do we have to do today?
What is coming up?
Talk about the circumstance(s) and adjust/change the things you can.
E) Daily Discipline
Daily routine focused on the “body/health”: exercise, walking, free three.
Throughout the course of the day I need to constantly redirect my thinking toward present moment. Notice my thoughts. Allow the unhelpful thoughts to float away, savor and grab the helpful thoughts.
Pray, if so inclined: “Dear God, please help me stay present and focused on the here and now”.
Build recalibration into my day. A time to stop, pause, brief meditation.
Perhaps we “restart” the day. Maybe we will need to do this 4 or 5 times throughout the day or maybe just once. Maybe, should schedule it into our day.
Focus on transitions, when you are done with work and you move into “home”. This is particularly difficult in today’s “work from home” environment.
Remember that the “One day at time” techniques used at home are different than the techniques used at work.
Finally, establish some type of evening routine for yourself. Pray if so inclined. Focus on gratitude.
Definitely engage 3 good things. Give yourself 30 mins to unwind.
PRO TIP: Plug your phone in “away” from the bed”. Do not “read” on your phone and then just toss it aside and go to sleep.
My Opinion
In my opinion: ONE DAY AT A TIME is a way of life with many operational units. You can’t DO one day at a time. You must do a bunch of things that add up to a “One day at a time orientation”.
There is more to this.
I am just beginning this process of “operationalizing” the slogans.
Take breaks from watching, reading, or listening to news stories, including social media. Hearing about the pandemic repeatedly can be upsetting.
Take care of your body. Take deep breaths, stretch, or meditate
Try to eat healthy, well-balanced meals.
Exercise regularly, get plenty of sleep.
Avoid alcohol and drugs.
Make time to unwind. Try to do some other activities you enjoy.
Connect with others. Talk with people you trust about your concerns and how you are feeling”.
You can check it out yourself, but every list is basically some form of that CDC list.
Check out Psychology Today. Virtually identical.
No one can argue with those recommendations. However, I vow to work hard to discuss things that are different than that basic list.
I will not say the same thing that all the other providers/experts say.
I will add something different. Or at least I will try to add something different.
Tonight’s Recommendation:
1. Create a Firewall
Create a firewall between work and “home time”. Today I spent 13 hours with zoom meetings packed one after the other, conference calls, FaceTime news interview.
With only small slivers of time in between the calls/zoom meetings.
And then all the sudden BOOM !
The day is over. And I’m home.
2. Ritual & Routine
I recommend you create some type of ritual and routinethat marks the end of work and the beginning of home time.
Analogous to someone coming home from manual labor.
Your hands are dirty, your clothes are dirty. You wash your hands, you change your clothes for obvious reasons.
However, this also serves as a transition from work to home.
3. Consistently
Figure out some type of routine that fits your individual circumstances.
Change clothes. Take some time alone. Communicate the plan to your family.
Maybe you go for a run.
Maybe you sit down and journal.
The important thing is to follow this routine consistently.
My ever-evolving recovery journey began January 2013 when I entered a drug and alcohol detox in Greenville S.C.
I was addicted to multiple substances, such as Alcohol, Xanax, Cannabis, and whatever Opioid I could get my hands on. I also had my bouts with Methamphetamine, Cocaine, LSD, and Ecstasy.
Other than a short stint on MAT, I had misused substances continuously for well over a decade.
I finally came to a place where I wanted a change.
This was not “rock bottom”; it was more along the lines of a car running out of gas and calling AAA for help. It was not because of one of my thirteen arrests or the overdose I experienced many years before.
Nope. It was merely a long ride that had come to an end. I was thirty-four and ready for something different.
My Recovery Journey Starts
After spending ten days in detox, I returned to my home town of Seneca, S.C. where I began attending local 12-step meetings. I credit the members of these groups with saving my life because they gave me the support I needed to construct and sustain long-term recovery.
Engagement in this community was crucial. I had very few coping skills and no support for recovery other than my family.
The members of these mutual aid groups truly “loved me until I could love myself”.
I gained self-esteem, and developed much needed internal and external coping skills that allow me to process my feelings and cultivate healthy emotional regulation. I began working a 12-step program with a sponsor and committed to this new way of life 110%.
Who Could Ask For More?
I averaged about ten to fourteen meetings a week and had replaced my drive to use substances with a drive to recover.
I was told recovery was a life-long process, and I would always need to attend meetings and work with a mentor to remain abstinent.
Well, that was fine with me because I was benefiting from doing so, and my life was improving tremendously.
For the first time in my life I had a job with benefits, my family interaction was great, I was taking multiple vacations a year, and most importantly I was extremely happy. Very happy!
Who could ask for more?
The Cookie-Cutter Trap
I was told I needed to “give back what was so freely given to me”. This was not a problem. I loved helping others, and I enjoyed going to meetings.
Slowly my passion became ideological and dogmatic.
I was convinced “my way was the best way’ and others simply did not understand addiction or recovery.
Arguments with others started as I tried to convince them to do recovery as I did, and admit they were an “addict”.
I had a cookie-cutter mindset that is far from the person-centered approach I now utilize to support individual choice in recovery.
The Next Chapter
On July 1, 2018 some five plus years into my recovery a new chapter of my life would begin as I took a job as a Peer Support Specialist working for an outpatient facility.
I would primarily work with individuals prescribed Suboxone and this interaction would impact me tremendously.
At this point in my recovery, I was open to MAT, but did not consider them “completely abstinent”. Working with these individuals, I began to see they could build social support for recovery, and gain coping skills the same as I did while taking medication.
Experience True Recovery
I believed, what others in my recovery program had told me years, that a person on MAT was still using.
That they could never experience true recovery without what they referred to as “complete and total abstinence”.
After some training, I learned the clinical definition of abstinence, which is defined: compulsive use despite negative consequences. I learned that taking medication as prescribed did not meet criteria for substance use disorder.
Actually, I came to admire many individuals with a recovery that involved medication. I remembered how much those few months I was on methadone helped. If I would have had the support necessary to sustain recovery, I may have begun my process of recovery much earlier.
The Truth
The truth was, although these wonderful people had found recovery, they were not considered abstinent in my fellowship. I realized how unfairly these individuals were treated by some in the recovery community.
Then I realized I had participated in the same behavior myself by shaming MAT.
I did not embrace those individuals with the respect and dignity they deserved.
Through this role I also began publicly telling people I was in recovery. For years, I was told I needed to be anonymous because the general public did not understand me or the recovery process in general. Once I started opening up about my recovery, I found this idea to be false.
I Was Convinced
Most people loved hearing about my recovery, and appreciated me sharing it with them.
I began to build social confidence as I started making new friends outside of my recovery community. I found it was OK to be the authentic me in the “rooms” and outside of the “rooms”.
My core beliefs now became different than the recovery program I followed.
An eternal battle had commenced within me and, I struggled with this dilemma for several months. I felt that I owed my life to the program, and I was torn because I knew that it no longer lined up with my values.
In addition, I also believed that I needed meetings, or I would either return to using drugs and alcohol or be consumed by what I called “my character defects”.
I had convinced myself that I was chronically self-centered and broken beyond repair.
Work The Program
I needed to continuously “work a program” otherwise I would not be able to function. , my recovery journey would end.
I would make statements to my girlfriend that “I am addict and that’s why I act this way” or “I am an addict I am always going to be this way”.
As a clinical addiction counselor, she knew this statement was filled with bondage.
Although my girlfriend practised patience, she was able to see that these beliefs about myself limited by ability to experience the fullness of recovery from addiction. Not that I would be cured, but that I could be set free from harmful behavior and unhealthy beliefs.
All Recovery
I began attending All Recovery Meetings because they allowed individuals on MAT to be treated as equals.
I also continued to work a 12-step program at the same time.
While at the All Recovery meetings I began to see many pathways of recovery, such as SMART Recovery, and Refuge Recovery. These programs also accepted Medication Assisted Recovery as an equal and felt taking medication as prescribed was not using.
I truly enjoyed learning about the many ways people found freedom from addiction.
Eventually, I decided to only attend meetings where my brothers and sisters on MAT were accepted as equals. I stopped attending 12-step meetings but not because I thought they were “bad” or “wrong”. I simply began to feel uncomfortable with the core beliefs of that program.
An Old Friend
This led me to an old friend who had found recovery by attending meetings and using a recovery coach to sustain abstinence.
This person was told that they could attend as many meetings as they liked, but the most important part of their journey was to “get on with their life”. They were expected to eventually move on support groups.
WOW! I found this statement to be mind-blowing.
You mean a person could be OK without constant meeting attendance or continuous guidance from a mentor?
The Next Level Of My Recovery Journey
It made complete sense because why would a person not want another to be OK with or without meetings. I had found a new outlook on recovery journey. I began to feel a new sense of freedom. The curtain was lifted and, I knew recovery would never be the same.
I reached out to Chris Griffin a person heavily involved in SMART Recovery in Greenville S.C. He gave a presentation my job, and I was highly interested in the approach of this program. I had become tired of describing myself as an “addict” and this program did not believe in labeling one’s self in such a manner.
I had learned new language at my Peer Support training, and started describing myself as a person in long term recovery. The person-first language allowed me to let go out the social stigma I felt as a person that had a past addiction.
SMART Recovery Concepts
SMART Recovery also subscribed to the concept that meetings did not have to be life-long. In addition, that a person could gain tools to function without meetings.
I started to feel guilty for having thoughts that I could stop attending meetings. That I did not have to continuously be of service to a specific recovery program.
I felt connected to all 23.5millon of us in recovery, and not just an individual program.
Actually, I felt connected to the human race for the first time in my life.
Get On With Life
Eventually, I concluded that I had healed enough to stop attending meetings and “get on with my life”.
I realized, I was “normal”, and not some self-centered freak that was constantly seeking pleasure.
Having recovered from active addiction, I am now working on merely being a good person like the rest of the world.
I still attend All Recovery from time to time, and I help others struggling with addiction on a regular basis. Not because I must, but because I choose to.
I do not knock anyone who chooses life-long meeting attendance or mentorship. I support all pathways of recovery; one is no better than the other and none are beyond criticism. I choose what works best for me. That means when I socialize with other recovering people it is in an environment where multiple pathways are supported.
No Right or Wrong
There is no right or wrong way to recover and I encouraging other to do and continue to do whatever they feel best suit their life.
I do not engage in a specific pathway or work a certain program. I have found a lot of freedom from the concept of self-management recovery.
Today I still have contact with many friends in recovery and many of members from my old home group.
I have let go of the guilt and shame of not regularly attending meetings. “IT IS OK TO BE OK”.
I will continue my recovery journey and continue to fulfill my potential. I will do what I feel is best for me and feeds my soul.
Meet Michael Crouch.
Michael is a good friend of mine here in South Carolina. Michael is a seeker and finds himself wanting to learn more and contribute more as person in long term recovery. His mind is open and his views are expanding.
Being run over by a bus hurts in more ways than you can imagine.
The first time I met Janice she threatened to shove a 4 foot metal rod up my ass (her words, not mine).
Well, she didn’t technically threaten me.
She asked me if I was interested in having said rod shoved up my ass (again, her words, not mine)…
I told her I wasn’t interested. I told her I was certain…I wasn’t interested.
A Change In Lifestyle And Careers
In the year 2000 I had gone through some very serious personal issues. Not the least of which was recovery from an opioid use disorder.
Two years earlier I had walked out of an emergency room with 100 plus Darvocet following a car accident.
Opioid based pain killers ran my life for the next 2 years.
The turmoil and chaos of active addiction descended upon me and my family swiftly; and with grave consequences.
I Found Recovery
Fortunately, I found my way to recovery.
However, along with recovery came a new career in a new town.
When you are looking to reinvent yourself you take whatever you can find.
I found an entry level position doing street outreach work as a case-manager for a large behavioral health organization. We ran a community program providing services for people who suffered with serious and persistent mental illness.
The typical participant had a history that included homelessness, drug addiction, non-adherence with treatment and repeat admissions to psychiatric hospitals. In many cases, their history included all of the above.
The Day I Met Janice
By the time I met Janice I had been promoted to program manager.
I spent more days in the office than in the field. Administrative work.
This particular day started just as any other day. Nothing noteworthy.
However, I was quickly startled when the super secret emergency code came blasting over the intercom…
“Paging Dr. Blue…Dr. Blue please come to the lobby”.
“Dr. Blue”was code for emergency.
The planned response was for all staff to report (with urgency) to whatever area was designated in the announcement. In this case the lobby.
So I did what any red-blooded American fool would do. I ran sprinting to the lobby with no idea what was waiting for me.
I did it in an effort to impress everyone around me and possibly receive a promotion to CEO. ( Because of my valor and bravery. )
People Get Mad and Upset
Some people get really upset when you control their money.
When I got there I found Janice with the steel pole and she uttered those now infamous words:
I said: “Hello, my name is Rich. I’m the program manager here. What seems to be the problem? How can I help you?”.
Janice replied: “I have come to shove this pole up someone’s ass…are you game?”.
I said: “No…No I am not interested in that”.
Just Following “The Program”
Janice was there because we (the organization) served as the representative payee for her Social Security Disability Income (SSDI). In this capacity, the government sent her SSDI money directly to us instead of to Janice.
We made sure her bills were paid and food was purchased. The concern was, because Janice had an addiction issue, she would spend all her money on crack cocaine rather than rent and food.
Looking back on things, it seems pretty uncool to control participant money. But at the time we were just following the “program”.
Janice wanted some money that day and she had come with a pole and an attitude.
We Are Trained Professionals
We knew this type of behavior was possible with our participants and we were slow to contact the authorities.
We had been trained in deescalation techniques.
We were taught to try to resolve things ourselves before calling the police.
At the same time wielding a steel pipe, and threatening to do unspeakable things with it, is not acceptable in a civilized society.
Janice and I went back and forth a couple more times.
The Pole Procedure
She would describe the exact method she would use to complete the pole up the ass procedure.
I would suggest she “calm down and take a deep breath”.
While making sure I kept my “rear end” a safe distance from Janice.
Finally, I had to set the “we will call the police if you don’t calm down” boundary.
She responded and asked me: “Why, you scared?”…
I answered and responded: “Yes… I’m very scared”…
Maybe Janice had been down the “we will call the police” road before.
Or perhaps she felt pity for me. That would be understandable. This 5 foot tall, 100 pound woman had reduced all 6 foot 2 inches of me to a shaking mess.
Or perhaps, she knew I could and would help her if she let me.
The Change
Whatever the case, she threw the pole on the ground and agreed to come back to my office and “talk this through”.
She was still heated. But something had changed.
She told me later, months later, that she was stunned we didn’t call the police as soon as she arrived.
She told me that she knew I was “the real deal” and that’s why she stopped herself mid-tantrum.
I have no idea how she got the impression I was the real deal. I was truly scared to death.
Getting To Know Janice
Over the next year I got to know Janice relatively well.
Our program was very hands on. Lots of car time.
Getting benefits reinstated, completing HUD forms, even grocery shopping.
Our assertive community treatment team was no joke. We were truly in the mix with our participants
I was the “dual diagnosis” counselor on the team.
I worked directly with her on her substance use disorder goals. We spent time together in groups and recovery meetings as well.
She never talked about her past or her family.
I made an assumption she didn’t have any family involvement. She was homeless.
She was never able to identify anyone she could visit or stay with when in trouble.
Symptoms Stabilized
I was a rookie. I was very new to the mental health field.
We developed a productive therapeutic bond.
Janice never got “clean and sober” (ours was a harm reduction model) but her life did improve. She greatly reduced frequency of use and her mental health symptoms stabilized.
She was adhering to her medication.
We were able to help Janice get into her own apartment in the winter of 2001.
She finally had a home. She finally had a safe place to spend her nights.
She was doing so much better and had not been in a psychiatric hospital for almost a year.
Letters To Young Black Men
Janice gave me a book around this time. I reinforced these demographic facts with Janice. She didn’t even blink. She simply insisted I take the book. I followed her directions.
I still have the book. I cherish the book.
It means a lot to me today. As it did then.
Note: I was, and I still am, neither young nor black.
Assertive community treatment was an all consuming program.
When one participant stabilized and gained independence, another participant immediately rose up to fill the crisis void.
Janice stabilized and other participants demanded more time. It was good news. This was exactly how it was supposed to work.
We rarely had a crisis call on Janice.
She maintained her outpatient appointments. She followed her medication protocols. She was in recovery.
Life was better. Not great. But much better.
This made the call on Christmas Eve 2002 all the more surprising.
Hit By A Bus???
We had an incoming call on the crisis line from Janice’s “uncle” (neighbor) who reported she was at the apartment “bleeding everywhere”.
He said she had been “hit by a bus” and was refusing to go to the hospital. She would not let him call an ambulance.
He did not know what to do.
The city was a busy place. A pedestrian getting tagged by a bus was not common. However, it was also not unheard of.
We told the uncle we would be right over.
When we arrived, it was clear that Janice had indeed been hit by a bus.
The bus had clipped her as she crossed the street. She was bleeding quite a bit from a cut on her scalp.
She had some other obvious injuries. It was not a life-threatening situation but she clearly needed to go to the hospital.
Go To The Hospital
Why won’t you just go to the hospital? Very quickly, the discussion got heated.
As we encouraged Janice to go to the hospital for care she became more and more angry.
I hadn’t seen Janice act like this in quite some time.
She was aggressively defending her right to refuse help. She was especially upset when we suggested getting an ambulance on scene.
We could not let this go on for long. She needed to get medical treatment. Therefore, we called the ambulance despite her protests (which had become louder and more demonstrative).
The police and ambulance arrived.
Fortunately, this crew handled Janice with great care. Sometimes the police are all business and have little time for these type of “mental health games”.
In this case, they were very compassionate.
Been Down This Road Before
Janice, was able to quickly get her self under control when the police officer and ambulance crew entered the apartment.
The officer approached her and talked quietly about what had happened with the bus. The paramedics began to dress the wound on her scalp. The situation was brought under control.
I took a breath and thought “Thank God”.
But she still needed transport to the hospital.
Janice knew she would be taken by the police if she continued to refuse to go via ambulance. She had been down this road before.
Janice began to weep uncontrollably. She was begging to not be taken to the hospital. We were all taken aback.
We tried to comfort her. The officer was especially kind.
He asked her; “I don’t get it… Why won’t you just go to the hospital and get this taken care of?”
Everyone Has An “Origin Story”…
Janice then told us all the real reason she was against a trip to the hospital.
I had assumed it was the normal hospital aversion that so many of our participants had.
Most of the time a trip to the hospital equaled involuntary commitment.
Most of the time a trip to the hospital came at the end of a very nasty relapse.
Most of the time a trip to the hospital was perceived as some type of failure.
All of these were legitimate reasons, in my mind, to avoid the ambulance ride. However, they did not even approach Janice’s motivation for resisting the hospital.
It turns out that Janice hadn’t always been homeless. She hadn’t always been addicted to crack cocaine. It turns out that her schizophrenia diagnosis was late onset.
More To The Story
She began to tell us about her now grown daughter.
Janice had, in fact, been a good mom. Somewhere in the distant past she had cared for her children. A son and a daughter.
We all knew she had kids. It was mentioned in her records.
The kids had been taken away and become part of the child welfare system. There was little mention other than that.
But apparently, there was more to the story.
Before the wheels completely came off, Janice had struggled and fought for reunification.
There were periods of recovery. During these periods she would occasionally get time with her kids.
But then, when her daughter was around the age of 13, everything feel apart.
Gone Radio Silent
Janice de-compensated. She went on an extended tour of psychiatric hospitals, jails, rehabs and even the state hospital system.
Her kids grew up in the foster system. According to Janice, her daughter landed in a “good place” and did well. Her son, apparently, not so much.
Janice was unstable for the majority of the time as her kids grew up. However, she did try to connect during the brief periods of calm in the storm.
There was sporadic contact. Nothing sustained and then eventually it was radio silence. No contact.
Amazing! Truly Amazing!
However, during the past 2 years of stability Janice had reached out to her now grown daughter. Her daughter was living in another state but they were able to connect.
Although reluctant at first, Janice’s daughter became more and more open to contact. They talked on the phone semi-regularly.
Janice shared: “My daughter became a doctor! My daughter is smart and successful”!
Janice was the proudest person on the face of the earth.
She then gave us the bottom line.
Her daughter had agreed to come visit her for Christmas. She was supposed to arrive later that evening. If Janice was in the hospital when her daughter arrived she would miss her visit.
Worse yet, her daughter would think “here we go again”.
Wow… I think about this 17 years later and I am stunned by the story.
It All Worked Out
Of course, we were able to contact the daughter that day. We were able to make arrangements for her to visit Janice in the hospital.
We verified that Janice had not relapsed and we advocated for Janice and her daughter’s reunion.
In the end everything worked out…Had we known that Janice had this back story we would have taken care of things right up front…
Society’s Narrative
That is what is most troubling. Why did we assume that there was no family connection?
Why didn’t I probe deeper for information on her family?
I made a judgement without all the facts. I allowed myself to feed into the narrative. Society’s narrative.
Think about it. We do it everyday.
This is What We Do!
We tell ourselves stories about people even though we know nothing about them. We tell ourselves stories that fit into stereotypes.
Then we make up our mind about co-workers, people we see in the street, people we see on television without any background information.
We allow society to tell us who is good and who is bad. Who is worthy and who is worthless.
Homeless people have families that love them.
People who are “hopelessly”addicted and mentally ill have families and kids they love.
They were children once. They were parents once.
Human Being First
The experience with Janice changed me.
I see a human being first.
Not a patient or a “label”. Certainly not a stereotype.
Don’t judge me for judging Janice in 2002. I learned from the experience.
I have lived out a different perspective for 17 plus years.
Action yields results. If you have an adequate map you can find your way to increased level of “subjective well being” (SWB). This is the positive psychology emphasis.
Research conducted worldwide has revealed universal aspect of the human experience-as it relates to SWB; otherwise known as “happiness”.
Beyond positive psychology, therapists have known for decades the importance of action in recovery from emotional struggles. The behavioral component of therapy.
You can probably come up with your own individualized map.
Just think about things in holistic/comprehensive manner.
Physical, Emotional / Mental, Social & Spiritual
For example, focus on categories: physical, emotional/mental, social and spiritual.
Physical:
What do I put in my body?
What am I eating and/or drinking and how does it impact my mood?
How does it impact my state of being?
What role do medication or supplements play in recovery?
Are you isolating. Americans are lonelier than ever before. Americans are more isolated (online connection doesn’t count).
Get into a group. Get out and join a meet-up group.
Volunteer.
Also…are there any toxic people you need to cut out of your life. Bad relationships can suck the life, and the happiness, right out of you. Good relationships lift you up.
Spend time with people who lift you up.
Spiritual: (whatever that means for you)
Can you tap into the greater good.
Can you identify your purpose for being on the planet?
One More Thing
We must acknowledge that circumstances (health issues, family issues, financial disaster etc…) can drag you down at any given moment in time.
But in the big picture, circumstances (on average) will only impact about 10% of your overall happiness….
I was born on July 25th 1968. It was not a voluntary process. No one ask me if I wanted to be here. Nonetheless, there I was!
Of course, I celebrate my life. This is not another nihilistic rant from a Nietzche wannabe struggling though a midlife crisis. Although, I could write that post as well. Been there…done that.
Today, I’m focused on the roots of my addiction.
I was born into a family that had been riddled with mutligenerational trauma. By no choice of my own.
For The Record
For the record, my bloodline also held dear…a Calvinistic work ethic beyond compare. Work… like your salvation depends upon it…literally. This kept us out of the house, distracted and independent.
That reality, along with a superhero mother, allowed us to rise above the terror of my father’s demons. It could have been much, much worse.
However, no one can deny, violence, emotional abuse, insecurity, divorce, and the ever-present cloud of substance use guaranteed that my childhood would include a few scars. Literally and figuratively.
In the 1970’s and 1980’s the general idea was “suck it up”. Today we know that post-traumatic stress and adverse childhood experiences can produce lifelong problems. Including substance use disorders and poor outcomes in terms of physical health.
My memories are encoded with feelings of fear and terror. They are still there. Especially at night. Laying in bed waiting for it to start up again. Worse, trying to predict if it was going to pop off again tonight. What’s his mood? What’s next? What did she say? What was that?
Loud sounds at night make me jump. I can sleep better if there is noise in the background. When I was a kid in Pennyslvania the furnace would drown out the battle.
So…I still need the furnace. Sometimes.
The Message Was Clear: Addicts & Alcoholics Are Bad People
I took my first drink when I was 14. Older dudes around the neighborhood shared some nasty cheap beer. It wasn’t love at first sight.
But it did provide relief. From that fear, anxiety, and trauma.
As time went by, my substance misuse escalated. I will spare the details because you have heard 10,000 addiction stories. By the time I was 29 it had progressed to any and all opiate based narcotics.
Thank God I was able to stumble into recovery at age 31.
I did some things while actively using substances that I wasn’t proud of and not true to my own values.
I was not a good husband or a good father. However, its important to note. I was not a horrible husband or father.
I jumped into recovery meetings and counseling. Quite frankly I knew I was done with that old lifestyle. I didn’t think much about what “program” to follow. I just followed directions.
Interestingly, 19 years ago, the professional counseling and self-help support groups were nearly indiscernible. I fear this is still the case in most places around the country. Hard to tell the difference between your rehab and your home group. The message was identical. Some version of:
“You did this to yourself. Take responsibility. Do as you are told and don’t question anything…Also, you’re “puffed up” and have an ego problem. Get honest, you are a liar, cheater and thief”.
Looking back, I still have gratitude for the people who helped me. Especially the members of the self-help groups I attended. They gave their time. They were amazing. I have less gratitude for the counselors and “therapists” who shoved one size fits all thoughts down my throat. They were paid for that?
However, nineteen years of personal and professional recovery related experience have provided some perspective.
Treatment Programs & Recovery Support Built On “Ego-Deflation”
It is widely accepted that ego-deflation is the core of the process for the more traditional recovery pathways.
The (flawed) assumption that most “alcoholics and addicts” are narcissists would explain the wide-spread acceptance of the ego deflation philosophy.
…the overwhelming majority of those with substance use disorder are not narcissists. It’s nearly 8 times more likely they DO NOT HAVE narcissism than they do. 85% of people with substance use ARE NOT narcissists.
Basic socialization theory (when in Rome do as the Romans) explains why people would go along with the process. Despite their better judgment.
When they said I was a liar, cheater, and a thief I did not push back. I wanted to be accepted. Furthermore, questioning these concepts is indicative of a person who is unwilling. No one wants to be “unwilling”. In treatment, unfortunately, questioning authority will be labeled as “resistance” and sanctions will be used to “get you back on track”.
The process starts to take on a punishing tone. Of course there are rewards at the end of the tunnel. If you follow directions you can expect a better life. I was no exception. Stopping the destructive behavior improved my life.
But I was not, and I am not, a narcissistic, self-centered sub-human. That is not the core of my issue. I do not need torn down to be built up. I need specific support to be lifted up. Fortunately, I got that support.
I’m not sure I would go that far. I think substance misuse is complex and varied. It’s an individual experience and the stages, forms and pathways are diverse. I don’t think we can say that all addiction is related to trauma.
We could say, I think, that the majority of those with substance use disorder have underlying trauma. I know I do.
Most people are more comfortable with the punishing model.
Phrases like “call them on their shit” and “non-compliant patient” are commonplace.
Sadly, many of our professional “helping” institutions embrace the narcissism/sociopath model over the trauma model.
“We readily feel for the suffering child, but cannot see the child in the adult who, his soul fragmented and isolated, hustles for survival a few blocks away from where we shop or work.” Gabor Mate-In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts
Let’s be clear about something. Compared to the general population, it’s 2x more likely that someone with a substance use disorder also has narcissistic personality disorder.
However, the overwhelming majority of those with substance use disorder are not narcissists. It’s nearly 8 times more likely they DO NOT HAVE narcissism than they do. 85% of people with substance use ARE NOT narcissists.
Therefore, it is likely that the ego-deflating model is not optimal for nearly 85% of those with a substance use disorder.
There is a growing push toward more comprehensive approach to substance use disorder treatment. This includes trauma informed care, co-occurring disorder treatment and the mainstream acceptance of harm reduction psycho-therapy.
Progress is being made but there is a need for more aggressive scaling of these alternative models.
Positive Recovery…
In the meantime we need to emphasize alternative, professionally supported recovery pathways. Pathways that are strengths-based and emphasizes what is right with you rather than what is wrong with you.
Right now the choices are few. That’s just a fact of life. The stigma of addiction does not promote creativity. You keep your head down and your mouth shut. No one was going to invent anything in the era of anonymity.
In addition, decades of suppressed collective intellectual curiosity among those working in the field has contributed to a sort of industry wide atrophy. If you had a truly new idea you were laughed out of the room.
FAVOR Greenville & Youturn
I know. I was the guy talking about buprenorphine before it was cool to talk about buprenorphine.
This article was originally published on the Rich Jones Medium Page, please visit and share with your friends and colleagues. – https://medium.com/@richj_87305
