Family Recovery: FOCUSING ON YOURSELF!
FOCUSING ON YOURSELF! by Richard Jones
The concept of “working on yourself” is difficult for families to grasp. In our Family Recovery Groups at FAVOR Greenville we spend a lot of time on this issue.
The impulse to control and fix is natural. It’s not pathological to want to rescue your child. It is biological hardwired into you as a mother.
You are compelled at an instinctual level to “save your child”. When people dismiss you out of hand and scoff at your desire to help they are being short-sighted and demonstrating a fundamental lack of understanding.
Kick the Bum Out
When people tell you to detach and “kick the bum out” they are being cruel and engaging in classic “do as I say not as I do” behavior.
These good people would not follow their own knee-jerk advice. If we were to reverse the roles.
Rescuing can, however, become counter-productive and enable the addicted individual to engage in ongoing self-destructive behaviors. In addition, you are going to personally self-destruct.
You can only handle so many sleepless nights and anxiety filled days.
The Worry Cycle
I know what it is like to find yourself in the worry cycle. That endless path of chasing scenario after scenario. All the “what ifs”. The negative impact of stress on physical health has been well documented.
Upwards of 70 serious health conditions are directly caused or exacerbated by chronic stress. The addiction will take you out as quick as it will take out your loved one.
Lastly, as you work on yourself you increase the likelihood of change in your loved one.
Family Systems Theory
The family is a system; changing one part of a system influences all other parts of the system.
Family systems theory holds that individual family members fall into predictable roles and serve particular functions within the larger family system.
In addition, the family system (indeed any system) exists to preserve itself.
Unless acted upon by a strong internal or external force the system will proceed down the path of collective destruction. Given this reality it is self-evident then that any individual part of that system could impact the system as a whole. Including the addicted individual.
Therefore, when in doubt.
Work on yourself!
It seems to me that all family recovery addresses three interrelated issues:
Anxiety, Worry, and Chronic Stress.
Therefore, why don’t you initiate a practice of focusing on actions. Focus on positive actions that reduce anxiety, worry and stress.
Helpful and Healthy Suggestions:
Become part of a group. We are social creatures. You don’t even need to enjoy the content of the group. Just being around people with similar struggles will prove uplifting.
The benefits of group are clear:
- Universality – you realize you are not alone
- Altruism – you get to help others
- Imitative Behavior – you hear from others who have gone through the same thing and
- Develop Coping Skills – more adaptive responses.
- Instillation of Hope—Perhaps the most powerful factor
These are 3 FREE and easily accessible activities which have proven to reduce stress:
- Go outside, take a walk
- Listen to your favorite music
- Smile and laugh
- Do something fun for yourself that is solely meant to provide entertainment and fun and not work related.
- Prayer and meditation. Regardless of your personal beliefs we know that prayer and meditation have positive impact on neurobiological pathways.
- Find a confidant. One to one. Sometimes you can’t share at group level and having a one to one relationship can be invaluable. This could be a therapist, a sponsor, or a coach.
- Eliminate toxic people from your life. You have no time for people who drag you down. Eliminate judgmental people.
- And most important. –
RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO ISOLATE. ISOLATION CAUSES DEPRESSION.
It is isolation that is the main cause of depression, not serotonin,
Try a family recovery plan for 6 weeks and
I guarantee you will feel better.
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