When I talk with younger people who went through the substance misuse progression many of these kids say:
“No one said anything to me”… “it wasn’t talked about in school”. “It wasn’t talked about anywhere”.
I’m not sure what the official protocol on prevention is these days.
I do know that youth drug use isn’t escalating.
It’s not that more kids than ever are using.
It’s that the ones who are using are using “Frankenstein Killer”substances.
So maybe prevention is working in the sense of overall use. It’s probably not a prevention issue.
It’s a “how do you talk to an impulsive and invincible 18 year old who’s already experimented with stuff”…issue.
I don’t think we know how to talk about the issue of substance misuse in a reasonable manner.
MORE HARM THAN GOOD
Some of us probably do a better job than others. And there a lot of “experts” out there who will tell you exactly how to do it.
Say this…don’t say that… etc…. give them a minute and some of them will make you feel like a shitty parent because you are an enabler and just won’t take action and kick the bum out.
But we know the research is clear.
Tough love does more harm than good.
You may need to set boundaries and you may need to work on changing some behaviors on your end.
I AM A PARENT TO
I don’t know how you should “do it” and I would never be so puffed up as to give a set of instructors.
I can tell you what not to do…. and I can give general guidelines.
And I can support you through the fear.
Not because I am the world’s greatest therapist (actually I am currently ranked number 3 worldwide by Therapist Illustrated).
No I can support through the fear because I’m a scared parent too….
TRIPLE P’s
I can’t deal with the perfect parent posers…
I call them the “triple P’s”.
I know one thing. None of the potential solutions have anything to do with being “tough”.
It’s parenting, not a UFC match.
And beware of people in the addiction treatment field who are quick to push a trip to rehab; when all you really wanted was some info..
The concept of “working on yourself” is difficult for families to grasp. In our Family Recovery Groups at FAVOR Greenville we spend a lot of time on this issue.
The impulse to control and fix is natural. It’s not pathological to want to rescue your child. It is biological hardwired into you as a mother.
You are compelled at an instinctual level to “save your child”. When people dismiss you out of hand and scoff at your desire to help they are being short-sighted and demonstrating a fundamental lack of understanding.
Kick the Bum Out
When people tell you to detach and “kick the bum out” they are being cruel and engaging in classic “do as I say not as I do” behavior.
These good people would not follow their own knee-jerk advice. If we were to reverse the roles.
Rescuing can, however, become counter-productive and enable the addicted individual to engage in ongoing self-destructive behaviors. In addition, you are going to personally self-destruct.
You can only handle so many sleepless nights and anxiety filled days.
The Worry Cycle
I know what it is like to find yourself in the worry cycle. That endless path of chasing scenario after scenario. All the “what ifs”. The negative impact of stress on physical health has been well documented.
Upwards of 70 serious health conditions are directly caused or exacerbated by chronic stress. The addiction will take you out as quick as it will take out your loved one.
Lastly, as you work on yourself you increase the likelihood of change in your loved one.
Family Systems Theory
The family is a system; changing one part of a system influences all other parts of the system.
Family systems theory holds that individual family members fall into predictable roles and serve particular functions within the larger family system.
In addition, the family system (indeed any system) exists to preserve itself.
Unless acted upon by a strong internal or external force the system will proceed down the path of collective destruction. Given this reality it is self-evident then that any individual part of that system could impact the system as a whole. Including the addicted individual.
Therefore, when in doubt.
Work on yourself!
It seems to me that all family recovery addresses three interrelated issues:
Anxiety, Worry, and Chronic Stress.
Therefore, why don’t you initiate a practice of focusing on actions. Focus on positive actions that reduce anxiety, worry and stress.
Helpful and Healthy Suggestions:
Become part of a group. We are social creatures. You don’t even need to enjoy the content of the group. Just being around people with similar struggles will prove uplifting.
The benefits of group are clear:
Universality – you realize you are not alone
Altruism – you get to help others
Imitative Behavior – you hear from others who have gone through the same thing and
Develop Coping Skills – more adaptive responses.
Instillation of Hope—Perhaps the most powerful factor
These are 3 FREE and easily accessible activities which have proven to reduce stress:
Go outside, take a walk
Listen to your favorite music
Smile and laugh
Do something fun for yourself that is solely meant to provide entertainment and fun and not work related.
Prayer and meditation. Regardless of your personal beliefs we know that prayer and meditation have positive impact on neurobiological pathways.
Find a confidant. One to one. Sometimes you can’t share at group level and having a one to one relationship can be invaluable. This could be a therapist, a sponsor, or a coach.
Eliminate toxic people from your life. You have no time for people who drag you down. Eliminate judgmental people.
And most important. –
RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO ISOLATE. ISOLATION CAUSES DEPRESSION.
It is isolation that is the main cause of depression, not serotonin,
Try a family recovery plan for 6 weeks and
I guarantee you will feel better.
WHEN DEALING WITH CHILD’S ADDICTION PARENTS NEED SUPPORT NOT JUDGEMENT
We all want to put our best self forward. It is human nature. The sociologist Irvin Goffman referred to this as “impression management”. We want to be viewed as competent, we want our children to be viewed as successful, we want our marriages to be viewed as blissful, we want our schools to be top notch, and we want our community to be viewed as impeccable. This has always been the case.
Of course, Facebook has taken impression management to an entirely new level.
We want the picture to look perfect, however, addiction makes the picture ugly. Unfortunately, these tendencies to hide the truth play right into the hands of addiction. Denial exists on the individual level, the family level and the community level.
Admitting that addiction has entered the scene is a very difficult thing to do. It comes with so much shame and embarrassment.
The stigma around addiction is alive and well and it keeps people from seeking help. It also contributes to the family tendency to unintentionally protect the addiction. We don’t want others to know so we suffer in silence and we hope for the best. Many families won’t even talk to other family members for fear of being judged. We also know this can extend itself to our schools and other community institutions. If we aren’t careful there will be a collective effort to minimize the seriousness of substance use disorders.
This is especially pronounced where parents are concerned. When you are dealing with a child who is struggling with addiction there will be a lot of fear based and anxiety. Intrusive thoughts will invade your consciousness. Thoughts like:
What do we do now?
Is he going to make it out alive?
What if he winds up in jail?
Where do we send him for help?
Where did we go wrong?
How do we pay for this help?
Many uncomfortable “scenarios” will be played out in your mind. You will spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out all the possible outcomes. This process is natural and hard to avoid. You will learn to manage them but they come naturally. All of this contributes to a great deal of stress and can manifest itself in serious physical and mental health problems for parents.
But there are some UNNECESSARY thoughts that may pop up. This category will suck the life out of parents. These thoughts serve no purpose and will ultimately make the entire recovery process more difficult to manage. We call this the “WHAT WILL “THEY” THINK CATEGORY. You may ask. Who is this mysterious “they”? “They” are all the people in your life that you believe will judge you and your kid harshly. Could be friends, could be family, could be acquaintances, could be co-workers, could be the preacher at church, could be anyone… anyone you are concerned may pass judgement.
Examples include:
What will grandma and grandpa think about this situation?
What will the preacher think about my son?
What will my co-workers think about this issue?
What will the ladies my prayer group say about his behavior?
These are the thoughts that need to be crushed. Parents have enough on their plate. Adding the emotional turmoil of societal judgment will impede their ability to solve problems, think clearly and manage the very real stress associated with the situation.
Substance use disorders are a healthcare issue and should be treated as such. If a person is drinking too much or using substances at a dangerous level it needs to be talked about and addressed. There is nothing to be ashamed of in seeking help. There is no down side to asking questions. Family members need an outlet to explore their concerns and individuals need ease of access to start the recovery process. We must create environments of open sharing and positivity. We must make recovery a welcoming process. There needs to be an uplifting and empowering “vibe” around recovery. Parents need to look for information and support and ultimately start to develop a plan for managing the issue:
Some simple and practical advice:
1) Get uber-educated and informed on the subject of addiction and recovery. Look for books and resources. Look to experts but be careful because many people have declared themselves instant experts. Look to people with experience in this area. Other parents who have dealt with addiction make a great resource.
2) Make a plan for your recovery and a plan for “your response” to the CURRENT STAGE of your loved one’s disease. Again, education is paramount.
3) Find a coach or supportive person to encourage and guide you as you make these plans.
4) Work the plan. Every time you get off track get right back on the plan.
5) Maintain Contact with your coach as your work the plan. Encouragement and supportive advice is essential throughout.
Before I get to my article on the current state of behavioral health, I would like to make it clear what I intend to do with The Recovery Cartel blog. There are several very important objectives.
1.) I write so that my head does not explode. I have continuous and ever-present thoughts surrounding addiction, mental health, sociology, societal problems etc… And I have very serious observations and opinions regarding society’s response to these issues. If I don’t write about and/or talk about it my head is likely to explode. I don’t want that to happen.
2.) I write for a targeted audience. Specifically, an audience that wants to take a deeper dive into an issue. If you want clichés and the standard company line, I’m not the guy for you. If you want to go deep on the macro-issues and explore causes and conditions then this is the place for you.
3.) I want to explore NEW solutions and try and shatter the existing paradigm. I think we are fighting a battle against substance use disorders and mental health issues using antiquated and illogical techniques.
4.) I intend to write really long posts. Read the whole thing. If that resonates please sign up for my blog posts.
Today I would like to explore parenting through our current behavioral health apocalypse…
Mental health rates among youth and young adults at a record high. Overdose is number one killer of people under the age of 50. The social media explosion and the smartphone era is leading to an entire generation of overwhelmed and disconnected people. In the meantime, substances are evolving.
It seems like more and more powerful drugs are being pushed into the market. The DEA is under the control of big pharma and the prescription opioids are going to keep coming. It’s the perfect storm for this overdose epidemic. We also need to acknowledge the record setting suicide rate and our ineffective systemic response in this area as well. We are a country in the middle of a behavioral health crisis.
It is especially difficult for parents dealing with a child’s behavioral health crisis. Despite more need than ever, there is little specialization in this area. Family based responses are the exception not the norm and parents are cycled through traditional framework which was never intended to address parent to child relationships.
Problem: Psychological Beat Down Associated With Raising Kids: It used to be that a parent’s job was to “raise” your kids. Get them to age 18. Maybe early 20’s if they went to college. Get them through the experience relatively well adjusted. Get them through relatively healthy. Prepare them for the future but not prepare their future.
Then Dr. Spock came along and told parents to become friends with their children. Then parents started to live vicariously through their kids. Parents became obsessed with their children’s achievements. Get them on this team and in this activity. Buy them this car and these clothes. Must get them into Harvard. Must see them achieve.
Parents always encouraged their children. Parents even demanded hard work from their kids. But parents in the past did not tie their own self-esteem and self-image to the success of their kids. That all has changed.
Imagine how much more complex and problematic this reality is made by substance use disorders. How the stigma feeds into the already existing sense of failure and inadequacy that many parents feel.
Here’s a common scenario:
When you meet someone at the grocery store:
The first thing they do is tell you about their kid.
Super Parent:“Joe just finished first in competitive pogo-stick jumping and he’s ranked second at Stanford School of business. How is your kid doing”?
Imperfect Realistic Parent:“Well… he was named president of his unit at rehab… we are hoping he does 90 meetings in 90 days when he comes home because they told us this is his after-care”
● Work on conscious contact with the facts of life for EVERYONE on this planet. No family is perfect. The “hallmark movie” family is a myth. The perfect Sunday School family is a myth.
Everyone is dealing with some type of struggle. For some it is a mental health or a substance use issue. For others it is a medical condition. For others it is infidelity or divorce. Just look at the rich famous members of the celebrity class. Good God they are completely miserable.
● Bonus advice: Accept yourself and accept the fact you are going to avoid the conversation.
Avoid people who want to vicariously live through their children. Go for it. Its self-preservation.
Problem: Bubble Wrap Generation And Addiction: Participation trophies. Self-esteem training classes.
Medals for everyone. If everyone gets a trophy then no one feels left out. But, if everyone’s a winner then no one is a winner. We created this. My generation. Me as a parent. I feed into this bullshit. I don’t want my kids feeling less than. It’s our fault. It’s not just the millennials. It’s the pre-millennials (I just made that up).
The term helicopter parent is born out of this dynamic.
When addiction, mental health, or emotional issues enter the picture for the bubble wrap generation the helicopter parenting instincts will kick into high gear. Remember, the helicopter parenting dynamic goes way beyond addiction. Helicopter parenting is the norm today. Parents spend all day driving their kids around. As stated above. Getting them involved in swim class, gymnastics, soccer, Chinese checkers tournaments, gluten free baking courses etc… Parents spend all night doing their kids science project with them. Checking the elementary school website for the latest assignments. Planning the bake sale to raise money for the field trip to view manatees for science class. PARENTS ARE CONDITIONED TO BE HELICOPTERS.
THEN ADDICTION AND MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES SHOW UP AND ALL THE PROFESSIONAL GENIUSES IMMEDIATELY TELL THEM TO DETACH. Then mom and dad have trouble detaching and they beat themselves up for not utilizing “tough love” effectively:
“I’m the worst enabler in the world”!
“I know I have made this worse…look at me I’m the poster child for enabling”….
And all this anxiety and emotional energy is wasted on this useless “detachment” battle.
Keep in mind the therapists who are telling you to “detach” are rushing home to make sure that little Suzy gets to her weekly “future astronauts of America club” on time because God knows this will surely get her into Harvard.
100% Ridiculousness!
Solution: This advice is for the “helpers” not just the parents. This is not 1955. Too many times the “advice” given to parents come out of the Al-anon tradition. When Al-Anon was founded the group was not addressing parents of 18 year-old heroin addicts. They were addressing wives of 50 year-old alcoholics. Detach with love was invented for spouses not for parents.
You may get to a point where you can detach but you need to be easy on yourself while on the journey. Have an understanding of the truth around parenting through behavioral health issues. Attend support groups and get educated. Try to avoid groups that make you feel worse about yourself. Definitely avoid therapists who make you feel worse about yourself.
Try and keep perspective. You will eventually be able to set the appropriate boundaries…but is likely to be a process of starts and stops.
Problem: Today’s PILL CULTURE And The 7 Minute Psychiatric Appointment: When did the pill culture take over America? According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC) 48.9% of Americans report being on at least 1 prescription drug in the past month; 23.1% report being on 3 or more prescriptions in the past month; and 11.9% report being on 5 or more prescription drugs in the past month. Obviously, these medications are warranted in many cases.
Seventy five percent of doctor visits result in a prescription being issued. We certainly have developed the mentality that a pill is the preferred solution for what ails you in terms of physical health. Is this the same for behavioral health issues? It seems to be the case. Some interesting points to consider from Medco and their America’s State of Mind Report): Click here to read the report
● Overall, the number of Americans on medications used to treat psychological and behavioral disorders has substantially increased since 2001; more than one-in-five adults was on at least one of these medications in 2010, up 22 percent from ten years earlier.
● The most notable increase in the use of these medications (anxiety medications) was seen in children ages 10-19; utilization increased among this age group by almost 50 percent. While younger people showed marked increases, older people showed declines.
● In the United States, an estimated 5.4 million children ages 4 to 17 have been diagnosed with ADHD and the percentage of children with a parent-reported ADHD diagnosis increased by 22 percent between 2003 and 2007 according to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC).
We could go on all day exploring these trends. The bottom line is. Pills have become part of everyday culture in America. A pill is the solution for everything from sexual dysfunction to sleep problems to inability to get your work done.
And wonder why Johnny would go to a party and “take a dangerous” drug for recreational purposes. We have told Johnny pills are your friend since he was 3 years old.
We also know that psychiatric services are focused on medication adjustments and not talking through issues. This is just the reality of the situation. In order to make the business model work psychiatrists must see more and more patients.
This lack of attention was chronicled in a New York Times article and has become the generally accepted norm. Here is a link to the New York Times Article: Click here
Parents will naturally be drawn to leaning on expert support. But what do we do when the expert doesn’t have time for us? What do we do when medication becomes the go to option for nearly all issues? What do we do when this is happening in the day and age of Xanax abuse?
Solution: Parents must become educated and system savvy. The days of blindly “trusting” the professionals are behind us. This is probably true of all of healthcare. It is definitely true where behavioral healthcare is concerned.
We all need to become our own advocate. If a provider is offended you ask questions or want more information start looking for a second opinion. Unfortunately, psychiatric services can be hard to find. Therefore, sometimes you must stick out with a sub-par provider. Never discontinue medication without doctor advice. But look around at other options.
Become educated about solutions that lay beyond the 7 minute psychiatric appointment. Solutions that lay beyond medication. Talk therapy, alternative therapy, mutual aid groups, life coaching, exercise, nutrition are all things that can contribute to emotional health. Your service provider may not suggest options. Unfortunately, people tend to stick to their favorite treatment modality.
Try to find someone who can serve as a case-manager or a coach regarding system navigation. Practical advice and feedback is invaluable. It can be especially beneficial to find someone who has “been there done that”.
If you are able to develop a plan of attack for these three problem areas you will be ahead of the game. This is a most difficult period of time to raise kids.
We all need support and useful information. I hope you sign up for ongoing Recovery Cartel posts.
I will be going after this issue in depth in future posts as well….
Many times, I write a blog post to “scratch my own itch”; meaning I need to solve a problem or address a personal issue with which I am struggling. As I work this issue out for my own benefit, I share it with you. The hope is you will also gain from this process.
What’s bothering me?
BEFORE YOU YELL AT ME FOR INSENSITIVITY: I HAVE GREAT RESPECT FOR THE LEGITIMATE DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT OF MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES. I AM NOT MINIMIZING ANYONE’S EXPERIENCE IN COPING WITH MENTAL HEALTH. I AM MERELY POINTING OUT THE OVERWHELMING PROCESS OF “UNDERSTANDING” WHAT AILS US…
Identifying what is bothering me is easier said than done. I decided to google it and begin some research. I typed in my symptoms (restlessness, distractibility, low grade worry, dysphoric mood, a bit of anhedonia, pre-occupation with work, difficulty making career decisions)
The diagnostic and statistical manual 5th edition (DSM-V) has nearly 300 different disorders in it. So far, if I base it strictly on the criteria in this book, I may have the following disorders:
Adjustment Disorder with mixed disturbance of emotions and conduct
Unspecified Anxiety Disorder
Unspecified Trauma and stressor-related disorder
Or if I want to stay away from a medical diagnosis perhaps I am suffering from:
Mid-life crisis (what the hell?)
Entrepreneurial depression and mood swings!
An existential crisis!
A theological crisis!
According to the Big Book it’s a spiritual malady. Irritable, restless and discontent!
According to others in recovery it’s a lack of self-acceptance.
Or maybe I have not worked the steps?
Or maybe I have not worked on core issues?
According to time management gurus I have too many open loops and uncategorized projects.
Or maybe I a human being…being human.
This is my dilemma, I’m human
I do not have a diagnosis or a “condition”. I have not missed the boat on some type of spiritual conversion. There is no magic answer to be found in any time management system and I don’t need any medication. My condition is serious enough to be a nuisance but not serious enough to warrant drastic measures. I have diagnosed myself and the condition I am suffering from is:
HUMAN BEING DISORDER – NOT OTHERWISE SPECIFIED
That being said, I definitely need to make some changes. The symptoms I listed above are real. I can be overwhelmed with life from time to time. I don’t want to just survive. I want to THRIVE. Therefore, I need to choose how to attack these issues. For me it comes down to 4 essential factors:
What’s happening to me physically? Am I eating right, am I getting sleep? Am I exercising and if so am I pushing myself beyond my comfort zone? Am I sick or suffering from another allergy attack? It is impossible for me to separate the way I feel physically from my mental state.
What happening in my “circumstances”? The serenity prayer nails it with the line “the courage to change the things I can”. If am living with a situation that is unacceptable and IT CAN BE CHANGED, I have an obligation to change it. And, as the serenity prayer states, if it can’t be changed I must accept it. This simple prayer is a mantra for many in the world. However, I would argue few take these wise words to heart.
What’s happening to my mindset? Am I in a growth mindset? What new things am I learning? I cannot stand still. Just like physical well-being I need to push myself beyond my comfort zone intellectually and mentally. I need to find new things, start new projects and fully embrace the mission. With a why I can do anything. Without a purpose, I will stumble through life.
What’s happening with my thinking? I need to stay mindful of my past and how it influences my core issues. I need to be willing to acknowledge the traumas of my past, identify the schema associated with these experiences and explore ways to work through these issues in the present.
These are areas within my control and they influence the other important areas of life. Relationships, work and finances are all positively impacted when I’m on my game in these 4 categories. Conversely, when I struggle in these areas my relationships and my work and all areas of my life suffer.
THE BIG FOUR
1) Physically
I have not been doing well in this area lately. I have 4 businesses that I currently work in. I work about 70 hours a week. I also have 4 children 10 and under at home. It can be very easy for me to get run down if I don’t take care of myself. This category is frequently related to eliminating bad stuff (cigarettes for example) and adding good (exercise). For me it’s about behavior change on the elimination side. I am doing relatively well with exercise and better with sleep. I can’t control my ever-present allergy issues unless I move to Arizona. I need to manage this on an ongoing basis. But there is at least one major problem in relation to physical issues:
It all starts with sugar. Sugar is addictive. This is a known fact.
At FAVOR Greenville, we have a serious sugar problem. Candy everywhere, donuts everywhere. Sugary snacks that are yet to be identified. I have not imposed my will on the masses at FAVOR by banning candy and donuts. It’s an interesting phenomenon. I can abstain during the morning and into the early afternoon. However, around 3 pm it’s all over. I give in.
Here is my plan:
More important than anything, I need to assess where I am in the stages of change? Am I sure I want to make this change?
Do the benefits of giving up sugar (healthy etc…) outweigh the payoff (it tastes really good; I get a sugar buzz). I cannot take motivation for granted.
Maybe I should write this down. There are normal and predictable stages that people go through when it comes to making a change.
Announce my intention to change to people who are important to me. Publicly proclaiming my plans increases likelihood of follow through. I just announced my plans!!!
Bring more healthy food to eat during the day. This capitalizes on the principle of replacement behavior. (I will need to beg my wife to help me with this.)
Which brings me to an important point. Having someone in your corner to support you through these changes is very important.
Move the freaking candy bowl off the front desk. Clearly environmental triggers are the easiest to control. Putting a barrier between you and the behavior you are trying to eliminate increases the likelihood of success.
Beware of the Abstinence Violation Effect (AVE). The AVE is the very natural human tendency to throw the towel in when we make a mistake. When we try and make a change and “fail” we tend to give up.
Develop the mental awareness and toughness to simply refocus and re-engage in the change process.Track my behavior. There is universal agreement. When you track something you improve by virtue of the tracking.
I will use a program on my iPad to chart my behavior daily. Including food.
How are you doing with your physical well-being? What is the issue you need to address? Is it a matter of eliminating a bad habit or adding a good habit, or both.
Once you identify the change then get together an action plan.
These principles are universal.
2) Circumstances
Believe it or not the discipline of positive psychology has identified a happiness formula.
Our circumstances clearly influence or happiness. However, at a surprisingly low level of influence. At 10%, our circumstances are not going to make or break our subjective well-being.
I have much to be grateful for and, truth be told, I have already made significant changes to my circumstances. This was mostly related to work and career and involved a great deal of risk.
In order to identify additional changes, I need to spend some time in silence and actively reflect on my situation. I cannot expect to come to some understanding without meditating and reflecting on what needs to change. For me, simply saying the serenity prayer will have little impact. Therefore, my action plan will include the following:
Journaling for 7 consecutive days on the following subjects:
Work/Business: I have MANY opportunities and that is great. However, I need to get clear and make some difficult decisions. I also need to be honest about what holds me back on these decisions. In my case it is the difficult/uncomfortable conversations that are sure to follow some of these decisions.
Family: Directly related to business; I need to clarify work/life balance and make changes or come to some level of acceptance. I need to focus on the long view and compartmentalize better. I need to maximize time off and think in terms of decades rather than day to day or week to week.
Financial: How much money do I want to make? Write it down and don’t be vague about it. Our relationship with money can be strange. Especially in the “nonprofit” human services field. We seem to believe we must be martyrs. Visualize what you want. Visualize your ideal life.
Work on acceptance:
Acceptance is a very unusual concept. Similar to forgiveness or “letting go and letting God”. How does one “accept”. I believe it is an active process of repetitively identifying “lack of acceptance” and redirecting thinking. It also involves setting an intention and focusing on one area at a time.
For example, if I need to accept my relationship with my parents I must set that intention every morning and then actively redirect that thinking through the course of the day. Remember our thoughts are mostly automatic and we will need to bring effort in order to reprogram our thinking:
Do you have any circumstances in your life that need to be reevaluated? You need to be honest with yourself and take some time to examine your life. Maybe it’s a relationship or perhaps a work situation. Living mindful and intentionally requires time and effort. However, it is well worth it. Then challenge yourself to have the courage to change the circumstances that need changed. Have the difficult conversations and take the necessary risk to live your life. Not someone else’s life.
NOTE: Many of us deal with very serious issues related to addiction. Either our own recovery or the recovery and struggles of a loved one. Some may have even lost someone to this deadly disease. Recognizing your circumstances and exploring ways to improve the situation and/or cope with the outcome is essential to your well-being. Of course, there are very specific ways to get support surrounding addiction. Not the least of which is staying tuned to the cartel.
How we can learn to fulfill our potential”, has brought the term “mindset” into the mainstream.
I am certainly a proponent of the growth over fixed mindset, however, my thoughts on mindset include some additional principles. For me Dweck’s growth mindset is absolutely essential to my well-being.
Dweck’s thesis, in VERY brief summary form, is that people develop a growth mindset (“I can learn and grow and become more”) or a fixed mindset (“I am born a certain way and that is all I can expect from life”).
I know this is a fact and I know that our educational system is set up to differentiate “smart kids” from “average” or “below average” kids and most of us spend our lives living up to, or down to, these expectations.
We must throw off these expectations and not live our life according to this limiting dogma. We must realize that the world was created by people no smarter than we are, they just did not buy into the conventional wisdom of the day.
Never stop learning and growing. For me this means I need to read more books this year than I did last year (at least 23). I am behind pace at only 8 to this point but I intend to have a good second half of the year.
I must also continuously challenge myself professionally.
I will never again be part of the machine in the addiction treatment industry. It is my intention to disrupt the industry. It is my intention to remake the delivery of addiction recovery services from top to bottom.
I cannot live in a static, fixed mindset. What worked for my personal development in early recovery will not carry the day now. I would rather burnout than fade away.
Beyond growth versus fixed mindset: I need to go beyond growth versus fixed mindset. I must develop a mindset of mission and disciplined effort. If I work for the weekend or work for vacation I will not make it. If I think I’m going to cruise when I get home from work I will not make it. I must maintain the mindset that the merit is in the struggle. The journey is the reward not the destination. In order to do this I must get a better morning routine and set my intention for the day. I also must redirect my thinking when I drift into a victim mentality.
Three good things: A conscious effort at maintaining an attitude of gratitude can go a long way. Some people keep a gratitude list. For some gratitude comes very naturally. I am going to continue the practice of 3 good things. Each night, sometimes via posting on Facebook, I will write down 3 specific good things that happened during the day. This practice will condition my mind to pick up on the good rather than notice only the bad.
Peak performance: Similar to Dweck’s growth mindset, Anders Ericsson’s book, Peak, explores the limits of human performance. Through deliberate practice it is possible to become a true expert in a chosen area. I intend to apply deliberate practice to the art of staff development. People are the most important asset in my line of work and I intend to become the best in the world at supervising and developing a recovery workforce. This will help keep me in a growth mindset.
Mindset is essential to your growth and sense of purpose. What are your plans surrounding mindset? Maybe it’s as simple as reading Dweck or Ericsson. Or maybe you want to set specific goals around professional or personal development.
4) Core beliefs, past issues and present thinking.
Thoughts lead to feelings lead to actions lead to thoughts etc… Cognitive behavioral therapy. Rational emotive behavioral therapy. SMART recovery. Even the 12-step programs all rely on identifying thinking and challenging irrational thoughts. “Play the tape the whole way through” for example is all about challenging the euphoric recall and getting a realistic view on what it would be like to use again after some time in recovery.
I would like to go a little deeper than surface thoughts, however, and explore core beliefs and how our past influences our present.
As a certified EMDR trauma therapist I learned about “stuck” experiences and how unprocessed trauma can influence our behaviors. This was one of the most powerful experiences I have ever had. I had always heard this was the case, however, experiencing it first-hand changed my outlook.
Our past experiences contribute to core beliefs. For example: “I’m not worthy” or “I must be perfect”. This leads to us being hypersensitive to modern day experiences and “data” that supports this core belief.
For example, let’s say my core belief is “I am not smart enough” due to invalidating and emotionally abusive parenting I experienced. Maybe as an adult I go back to school and get a grade lower than desired.
This “failure” in school will fit nicely into my core belief. Conversely, when I do something well (pass a test for example) the data will not fit into my core belief.
It’s going to take substantial effort and time to pave new pathways and reprogram this core belief.
I have worked hard on identifying my core belief (“I’m not worthy”) that arose via growing up with an alcoholic father who could be violent. Now I need to work just as hard at identifying when I’m feeding into the core belief or discounting the positive data.
In the same vein, I am going to work on identifying the most common thinking errors that plague me day to day and track my responses to these errors.
The list below is a universal list that all human being cite as being present from time to time.
If I can establish a pattern for these thinking errors then I can self-correct. In time, due to neuro-plasticity my brain can rewire and I can respond differently to provocative situations.
What is the core belief that holds you back?
What are the most common thinking errors with which you struggle?
Awareness is the first step.
Obviously there is much more to life than these four areas. Spirituality, for example, is a big part of life and can go far in soothing the soul. However, I will leave those discussions for another time.
If you are progressing as you wish, if you are doing well then don’t bother with these suggestions. If it is not broke don’t fix it.
However, if you are looking for some new ideas then experiment with some of the things discussed in this post. Do a research project on yourself; n=1. See what works for you and what does not work for you.
More important than anything. Do not let life happen to you. Take as much from life as you can. You only live once. Many people don’t want us to thrive. They want us to assume our designated place in the machine. When you thrive and chase your dreams it makes them uncomfortable.
Our circumstances clearly influence or happiness. However, at a surprisingly low level of influence. At 10%, our circumstances are not going to make or break our subjective well-being.
