When I talk with younger people who went through the substance misuse progression many of these kids say:
“No one said anything to me”… “it wasn’t talked about in school”. “It wasn’t talked about anywhere”.
I’m not sure what the official protocol on prevention is these days.
I do know that youth drug use isn’t escalating.
It’s not that more kids than ever are using.
It’s that the ones who are using are using “Frankenstein Killer”substances.
So maybe prevention is working in the sense of overall use. It’s probably not a prevention issue.
It’s a “how do you talk to an impulsive and invincible 18 year old who’s already experimented with stuff”…issue.
I don’t think we know how to talk about the issue of substance misuse in a reasonable manner.
MORE HARM THAN GOOD
Some of us probably do a better job than others. And there a lot of “experts” out there who will tell you exactly how to do it.
Say this…don’t say that… etc…. give them a minute and some of them will make you feel like a shitty parent because you are an enabler and just won’t take action and kick the bum out.
But we know the research is clear.
Tough love does more harm than good.
You may need to set boundaries and you may need to work on changing some behaviors on your end.
I AM A PARENT TO
I don’t know how you should “do it” and I would never be so puffed up as to give a set of instructors.
I can tell you what not to do…. and I can give general guidelines.
And I can support you through the fear.
Not because I am the world’s greatest therapist (actually I am currently ranked number 3 worldwide by Therapist Illustrated).
No I can support through the fear because I’m a scared parent too….
TRIPLE P’s
I can’t deal with the perfect parent posers…
I call them the “triple P’s”.
I know one thing. None of the potential solutions have anything to do with being “tough”.
It’s parenting, not a UFC match.
And beware of people in the addiction treatment field who are quick to push a trip to rehab; when all you really wanted was some info..
The concept of “working on yourself” is difficult for families to grasp. In our Family Recovery Groups at FAVOR Greenville we spend a lot of time on this issue.
The impulse to control and fix is natural. It’s not pathological to want to rescue your child. It is biological hardwired into you as a mother.
You are compelled at an instinctual level to “save your child”. When people dismiss you out of hand and scoff at your desire to help they are being short-sighted and demonstrating a fundamental lack of understanding.
Kick the Bum Out
When people tell you to detach and “kick the bum out” they are being cruel and engaging in classic “do as I say not as I do” behavior.
These good people would not follow their own knee-jerk advice. If we were to reverse the roles.
Rescuing can, however, become counter-productive and enable the addicted individual to engage in ongoing self-destructive behaviors. In addition, you are going to personally self-destruct.
You can only handle so many sleepless nights and anxiety filled days.
The Worry Cycle
I know what it is like to find yourself in the worry cycle. That endless path of chasing scenario after scenario. All the “what ifs”. The negative impact of stress on physical health has been well documented.
Upwards of 70 serious health conditions are directly caused or exacerbated by chronic stress. The addiction will take you out as quick as it will take out your loved one.
Lastly, as you work on yourself you increase the likelihood of change in your loved one.
Family Systems Theory
The family is a system; changing one part of a system influences all other parts of the system.
Family systems theory holds that individual family members fall into predictable roles and serve particular functions within the larger family system.
In addition, the family system (indeed any system) exists to preserve itself.
Unless acted upon by a strong internal or external force the system will proceed down the path of collective destruction. Given this reality it is self-evident then that any individual part of that system could impact the system as a whole. Including the addicted individual.
Therefore, when in doubt.
Work on yourself!
It seems to me that all family recovery addresses three interrelated issues:
Anxiety, Worry, and Chronic Stress.
Therefore, why don’t you initiate a practice of focusing on actions. Focus on positive actions that reduce anxiety, worry and stress.
Helpful and Healthy Suggestions:
Become part of a group. We are social creatures. You don’t even need to enjoy the content of the group. Just being around people with similar struggles will prove uplifting.
The benefits of group are clear:
Universality – you realize you are not alone
Altruism – you get to help others
Imitative Behavior – you hear from others who have gone through the same thing and
Develop Coping Skills – more adaptive responses.
Instillation of Hope—Perhaps the most powerful factor
These are 3 FREE and easily accessible activities which have proven to reduce stress:
Go outside, take a walk
Listen to your favorite music
Smile and laugh
Do something fun for yourself that is solely meant to provide entertainment and fun and not work related.
Prayer and meditation. Regardless of your personal beliefs we know that prayer and meditation have positive impact on neurobiological pathways.
Find a confidant. One to one. Sometimes you can’t share at group level and having a one to one relationship can be invaluable. This could be a therapist, a sponsor, or a coach.
Eliminate toxic people from your life. You have no time for people who drag you down. Eliminate judgmental people.
And most important. –
RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO ISOLATE. ISOLATION CAUSES DEPRESSION.
It is isolation that is the main cause of depression, not serotonin,
Try a family recovery plan for 6 weeks and
I guarantee you will feel better.
WHEN DEALING WITH CHILD’S ADDICTION PARENTS NEED SUPPORT NOT JUDGEMENT
We all want to put our best self forward. It is human nature. The sociologist Irvin Goffman referred to this as “impression management”. We want to be viewed as competent, we want our children to be viewed as successful, we want our marriages to be viewed as blissful, we want our schools to be top notch, and we want our community to be viewed as impeccable. This has always been the case.
Of course, Facebook has taken impression management to an entirely new level.
We want the picture to look perfect, however, addiction makes the picture ugly. Unfortunately, these tendencies to hide the truth play right into the hands of addiction. Denial exists on the individual level, the family level and the community level.
Admitting that addiction has entered the scene is a very difficult thing to do. It comes with so much shame and embarrassment.
The stigma around addiction is alive and well and it keeps people from seeking help. It also contributes to the family tendency to unintentionally protect the addiction. We don’t want others to know so we suffer in silence and we hope for the best. Many families won’t even talk to other family members for fear of being judged. We also know this can extend itself to our schools and other community institutions. If we aren’t careful there will be a collective effort to minimize the seriousness of substance use disorders.
This is especially pronounced where parents are concerned. When you are dealing with a child who is struggling with addiction there will be a lot of fear based and anxiety. Intrusive thoughts will invade your consciousness. Thoughts like:
What do we do now?
Is he going to make it out alive?
What if he winds up in jail?
Where do we send him for help?
Where did we go wrong?
How do we pay for this help?
Many uncomfortable “scenarios” will be played out in your mind. You will spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out all the possible outcomes. This process is natural and hard to avoid. You will learn to manage them but they come naturally. All of this contributes to a great deal of stress and can manifest itself in serious physical and mental health problems for parents.
But there are some UNNECESSARY thoughts that may pop up. This category will suck the life out of parents. These thoughts serve no purpose and will ultimately make the entire recovery process more difficult to manage. We call this the “WHAT WILL “THEY” THINK CATEGORY. You may ask. Who is this mysterious “they”? “They” are all the people in your life that you believe will judge you and your kid harshly. Could be friends, could be family, could be acquaintances, could be co-workers, could be the preacher at church, could be anyone… anyone you are concerned may pass judgement.
Examples include:
What will grandma and grandpa think about this situation?
What will the preacher think about my son?
What will my co-workers think about this issue?
What will the ladies my prayer group say about his behavior?
These are the thoughts that need to be crushed. Parents have enough on their plate. Adding the emotional turmoil of societal judgment will impede their ability to solve problems, think clearly and manage the very real stress associated with the situation.
Substance use disorders are a healthcare issue and should be treated as such. If a person is drinking too much or using substances at a dangerous level it needs to be talked about and addressed. There is nothing to be ashamed of in seeking help. There is no down side to asking questions. Family members need an outlet to explore their concerns and individuals need ease of access to start the recovery process. We must create environments of open sharing and positivity. We must make recovery a welcoming process. There needs to be an uplifting and empowering “vibe” around recovery. Parents need to look for information and support and ultimately start to develop a plan for managing the issue:
Some simple and practical advice:
1) Get uber-educated and informed on the subject of addiction and recovery. Look for books and resources. Look to experts but be careful because many people have declared themselves instant experts. Look to people with experience in this area. Other parents who have dealt with addiction make a great resource.
2) Make a plan for your recovery and a plan for “your response” to the CURRENT STAGE of your loved one’s disease. Again, education is paramount.
3) Find a coach or supportive person to encourage and guide you as you make these plans.
4) Work the plan. Every time you get off track get right back on the plan.
5) Maintain Contact with your coach as your work the plan. Encouragement and supportive advice is essential throughout.
I am a master of manipulating a situation so that “everyone stays calm”. If I am not careful this will happen in all parts of my life. Work, family, friends. This is a learned behavior and a natural result of growing up in an alcoholic home. In a war-zone. If you upset the apple cart in my childhood home; all hell is going to break lose.
Classic: Don’t Talk…Don’t Feel…Don’t Trust….
However, fake harmony is the enemy of setting boundaries. As I reflect on my life and the experiences I have had with families in the throes of a loved one’s addiction, I come to some pretty clear conclusions:
Setting boundaries is essentially the art of saying NO. Every boundary is essentially a form of saying NO. Sometimes very straight-forward:
“Can I borrow $100″… “NO you cannot”…
Sometimes it’s not as direct.
For example, a family member who drinks too much becoming verbally abusive when they drink… The boundary maybe you leave or it maybe they leave. But essentially it comes down to NO..
”You can’t treat me that way”…
So… what gets in the way of the boundary.
It’s not “what” to do. Most of the time we know that we should say NO. It’s “how” do we do it. Or maybe more accurately…why can we not do what is so obviously necessary and set this boundary?
1.)FEAR: We operate from fear of what is going to happen if we say no. We have scenarios that detail what is going to happen and we play them over in our mind. Fear controls us.
2.)JUST SAY YES: We plan on saying NO but in the moment, we allow the person to bully us into saying YES. They use intimidation, manipulation, and sometimes subtle techniques to keep us from saying NO. Example, give you the cold shoulder. Example, get you off task talking about other issues. Example, debate you to death. You give in just to shut the other person up and have some peace.
3.) PLEASE LOVE ME: We want the person to love us…or at least like us. So, we say YES as a way to not lose love and affection. In these cases, we tend to keep talking even after the boundary is set because we want the person to be happy about the boundary is set and life to be wonderful. They aren’t going to be happy. You just told them NO.
4.) I DID IT: Straight up guilt… We tell ourselves “it’s our fault”. The guilt clouds the rational decision making.
I’m a big fan of number 3… I need everyone I care about to like me and I need there to be peace in all my personal relationships. The reason being, I grew up in a home where unrest, discord, tension, resulted in really bad things. For me there is no in between.
Everyone is happy and everything is either really good…or the stuff is about to hit the fan.
In essence, I was always afraid of “destructive conflict” because I never knew there was “constructive conflict”. My response was to manage the situation and use my people skills to avoid direct confrontation. Of course, this approach has a short shelf life. It is unsustainable.
Constantly ignoring your own feelings does not change the reality of the situation.
How do you set boundaries in the face of these underlying issues. I would propose the following:
1.)For the fear based boundary challenges: There is a technique called “fear setting”. This is not for everyone because it can be a heavy duty emotional exercise. Fear setting involves getting in touch with the “worst case scenario” and trying to “sit in” the experience. Using guided imagery you can walk yourself through a mental exercise where the worst case scenario is played out. The idea being, if you can face this fear. You can set and maintain the boundary.
2.) For the “debater” and the “intimidator” challenges: The technique is called “hit and run”. Also structure the conversation. Make sure you have the conversation under conditions that naturally limit time for “discussion”.
Over the phone so you can employ the “I have to go now” technique. Or set the expectation at the beginning that you can only talk briefly. Be careful not to set the boundary talk in a circumstance where you can be held hostage. You don’t want to be a captive audience and enter in an extended debate concerning these issues.
3.)For the “we want them to love us” challenge: The technique is called “suffer in silence” and essentially boils down to this: learn to stop talking. How do you get comfortable with something that is initially uncomfortable? You “sit in” or “lean in” to the experience.
Try and be grateful for the opportunity to “learn from this discomfort”. You have to re-frame the experience in a way that is positive. If you don’t you will instinctively run from the uncomfortable feelings. Feelings will not kill you. Feelings will not physical harm you. Feelings will pass. Practice and keep track of improvement in this area.
Eventually you will become a boundary setting NINJA!
Like my beloved Melissa. She can drop the hammer and slice you up with a boundary and you don’t even know what hit you.
4.) How to handle guilt:
Here is a Rich Jones original method for addressing guilt.
It involves confronting the irrational thinking involved in your assessment of the situation. Journaling can be very useful. At the top of the page write out the boundary.
Example:“I just told Rich “no” to paying for his rent another month”.
Followed by: This makes me worthy of guilt because…. And let the words flow.
Get into a process of free association around this topic. Then put the journal down. Go for a 5-minute break and come back and read your reasons for feeling guilty. Let me know if the reasons are rational!!! This will condition your brain to confront the irrational thoughts associated with feeling of guilt.
Remember, setting boundaries is a skill. Or maybe more accurately, a habit. A habit is merely a behavior we engage in on a repeated basis. If you practice this skill you will get better and better at setting boundaries.
It may never be easy. But it will become manageable.
Boundaries is a word that gets bantered about all over the place in the recovery world. Actually it gets thrown around in all aspects of life. People devote extensive time to working on boundaries and setting limits within relationships. It is most certainly one of the key aspects of leading a healthy life. Without boundaries you can lose yourself and, in extreme cases, become involved in abusive relationships.
How do you “do” boundaries? What are the skills and guidelines for setting boundaries? Many times, a circular conversation ensues around setting boundaries:
Family member (FM): I don’t know what to do my kid just keeps smoking pot in his room and I have told him to stop.
Very Helpful Person (VHP): Well just set a boundary about smoking pot.
FM: How do I do that?
VHP: Just tell him. Stop smoking pot or there will be consequences.
FM: I tried that. He is still smoking.
VHP: That’s cause you didn’t set the boundary.
FM: What boundary?
VHP: The one about smoking pot.
FM: How do I do that?
VHP: Just tell him. If he doesn’t quit smoking pot there will be consequences.
FM: What kind of consequences?
VHP: Take his phone.
FM: I tried that. He just flipped out until I gave it back.
VHP: That’s cause you need to set boundaries about how he talks to you.
FM: What do you mean?
VHP: Tell him he can’t talk to you like that.
FM: He knows that. He does it anyway.
VHP: Well you need to get better boundaries… I heard they are having a sale at Walmart. Two for one. Let’s go.
Maybe I’m exaggerating just a bit. I am the king of hyperbole. However, the process of setting boundaries is much more involved than a simple declaration of intent. There are entire books dedicated to the concept. Maybe we can keep it simple by focusing on a variation of the classic saying: Say what you mean! Mean what you say! But don’t say it mean! How does this apply to addiction and family recovery.
Say what you mean!
“Saying what you mean” is about consistency between one’s thoughts and words. It is a plea to be honest, to truthfully represent one’s understanding, state or intent when describing it verbally (Runion). This is difficult for everyone. It gets especially challenging when addiction enters the picture.
Consistency between one’s thoughts and words presupposes that one has awareness of one’s thoughts. It has been said that the average human being has at least 77,000 thoughts per day and the overwhelming majority operate below conscious recognition. Under the best of circumstances we have difficulty staying in the present moment. Our behaviors and words are influenced by past experiences and future considerations. It is hard to have consistency when you aren’t even sure what you are thinking. It is as if life “just happens”.
Now add in addiction and all the chaos, drama, and fear associated with that reality. I would argue that a family member living through a loved one’s addiction experiences post traumatic stress disorder. Traumatic experiences are encoded and frozen in the information processing system of the brain making thought recognition even more difficult. At any given time family members will be triggered and re-experience previous events and situations.
How can you say what you mean when you aren’t even sure what you mean?
Therefore it is important to gain an understanding of “what you mean”. What is it that you want to see happen? What is the specific problem that you need to address? One of the ways helpers inadvertently confuse the family even further is by telling them “you need to work on yourself”. This muddies the water because many times the family actually wants to “help” their loved one. I’m hear to tell you. That is perfectly understandable.
After you work through “what can I do” family members will frequently come to the conclusion that they must change some of their behaviors. This is where the boundaries talk comes in. Some recommendations:
Identify “target” outcome-How do you want to be treated?
Remember the target outcome is about you not about the other person. Ask yourself: What do I need to be different in order for my life to improve? Try to avoid focusing on the behavior of the other person excepts as it relates to you. A quick example:
Johnny returns from rehab and is living at home with you. He’s 22 and not sure about going back to school or going to work. Johnny tends to go out late with his friends. He is 22…the night starts for him at 10 pm. You are 50. The night ends for you at 10 pm. Johnny tends to come in at 1 am. You are frequently up all night waiting for him to come home. Even though you aren’t sure he is using your anxiety and worry gets the best of you. The lack of sleep is starting to impact your life. You realize you can’t go to sleep until Johnny is “in for the night”.
At first glance the issue seems to be Johnny not coming in at a reasonable time. Your impulse may be to break off a speech about a curfew and coming in at reasonable hour. However, for a 22 year old 1 am is reasonable.
The real problem is your lack of sleep. So the target is: “I would like to get enough sleep” NOT a random curfew for Johnny.
This changes everything. Say what you mean in this case is translated as “I NEED TO GET A DECENT NIGHT SLEEP or you won’t be able to continue to live here. Something has to change about how late you stay out”. The details of this can actually be worked out with Johnny. Maybe this means he agrees to come in at midnight. Or maybe it means he agrees to spend the night with a positive friend rather than come home late.
Mean what you say!
“Meaning what you say” is usually about consistency between one’s words and subsequent related behavior or actions. This is where the rubber meets the road. Meaning what you say implies that you can carry through with what ever limit you set forth when you “say what you mean”.
The most important part of this process is thinking it through before you set the boundary and discuss the limitations and associated consequences. If you make statements that you cannot carry through on your authority is significantly undermined. It is better to say nothing at all than to make an empty threat. Of course, this is easier said than done. You need to develop ways of “pausing” before speaking on these subjects.
You also need to develop a team of people who can support in processing situations and exploring options. Parents for example, need to support one another in the decision making process. If there is disagreement around boundaries this will become a glaring problem when the boundaries are enforced. Sometimes a trusted coach or sponsor can help your family discuss these tough issues. Sometimes a therapist or counselor will be necessary. In some cases the parents will need to address deeper issues. The graphic below is meant to describe the importance of having crucial conversations regarding these underlying issues. Sometimes the “rules” and techniques (boundaries) need to wait until the foundation is shored up. For example, its hard to make sure everyone is on the same page regarding boundaries if mom thinks dad is “just not a good parent” and “does not want the best for the kid”. This will require clinical support to work through these complex issues.
In addition to parents, it is sometimes necessary to bring extended family into the discussion. Grandparents for example are intimately involved in many kid’s lives. Extended family members and friend have influence. They need to be on the same page with many of the boundaries that are set in these situations.
Furthermore, parents and extended family should discuss ways to give each other respite and support. Recovery is a process not an event. A marathon not a sprint.
Once the boundaries are agreed upon it is important to stay involved with your support system so that you can carry through over the long term.
Even more importantly, it is important to communicate these expectations clearly to your loved one. This is where the final part of the formula comes in.
But don’t say it mean!
Addiction is a beast. It can bring out the worst in all of us. The addicted individual will engage in outrageous self destructive behaviors. Stealing, lying and manipulating may become common place. If you aren’t careful your loved one will have you believing that 2 + 2= 8.
In turn this can bring out frustration in the family. Family members can lash out in anger and say things in aggressive ways. Impulsive statements about “throwing you out” become commonplace. Clear communication is going to take an effort. There is no easy way to maintain your cool in the face of an addition related crisis. However, here are some general guidelines:
VERY IMPORTANT: KNOW YOUR TRIGGER AREAS. ASK FOR HELP WITH YOUR BLIND SPOT.
Perhaps most importantly is recognition of your “hot buttons”. If you are going into a potentially conflict laden situation gaining awareness of what gets you fired up is very important. You may need to ask for feedback from you spouse or other family members in order to identify this. Many times these issues fall into our “blind pane”. However, identifying these potential trigger areas is vital to successful communication of the boundaries.
Don’t confront the person when they are under the influence. Wait until the next morning. Unless it is immediate crisis and person is danger to self or others in which case enact emergency services.
Rehearse the conversation.
Bring bullet points or a script. The addicted individual will try and get you off track and will bring up things unrelated to boundaries. Stay out of the weeds.
If the boundary involves outside forces (ie…the person needs to be evicted, the person needs commitment, etc…) make sure you have all the extraneous details worked out. Paperwork, phone calls to rehab, list of shelters. Bring this to the meeting. Again, having a family coach or a group to support you in this preparation can be helpful.
Have the conversation when you have energy and you are not already emotionally depleted.
I want to go on the record. This is all easier said than done and none of it is an exact science. Please become involved in local support groups and seek out professional assistance as you prepare for these conversations. Managing boundaries is hard enough. Addiction makes is downright overwhelming.
