Pandemic: Mania

Up late completing the next phase of the payroll protection program application and several grant applications are swirling about. I have an endless list of pandemic and non-pandemic responsibilities.

Family members, and their health and welfare, pop in and out of my consciousness. A very pandemic restless night. Restless sleep is an understatement.

“Self-care” is a buzz word. Telling me to calm down in an insult. Acting as if this is an extended snow day off from work and school?

Not Normal at All

I’m scared. It’s not business as usual.

I can not relate to boredom “while on lockdown”. I am in some sort of heightened state of vigilance.

If I ran out of business related issues/work related issues whilst on quarantine…I suppose I would go plant a garden or build a fort or raise a goat or build a moonshine still to supplement my income.

Do something to prepare. Even it was wasted motion.

Preparation becomes a coping mechanism. I simply will not relax or calm down until this thing is contained.

Don’t Fix Me

Don’t fix me. Do not hit me up with cliches and slogans.

Not today. I don’t need to “Let go and let God” or “Accept what I can not change”.

I do not care if “all things shall pass” or “pain is only temporary”.

I will not “turn it over”. Or meditate and be fully present with the experience.

• I don’t have any essential oils to rub on my feet or a good scented candle to huff.
• I don’t want to re-engage with online therapy (although I probably should). I don’t need an evaluation or professional help.
• I don’t want to do acupuncture or ibogaine or EMDR …
• I will not pray my way out of this.

I will not “just relax”…

I Will Work…

It also does not appear I will be catching up on any books or home projects whilst on quarantine (I like the term “whilst on quarantine”).

I won’t get to clean the garage out or reorganize the spice rack. (I don’t even know what a spice rack is).

But sleep is important…. overall I’m good. But on any given night, I’m jammed up and restless. We all need to sleep.

And I will go outside today. I will laugh. And I will listen to late 80’s / early 90’s East coast rap. – The Free Three.

Nothing Wrong Here

If you can relate to this… there is nothing wrong with you. This is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

I will sleep tonight.

I have been through this cycle many times; with COVID and without COVID.

I feel wound up already this morning. Get to work. Then crash early tonight.

I could never have conceived this reality. There is no frame of reference for the current state of affairs.

Am I doing the pandemic poorly?

Am I bad at the apocalypse?

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