When I talk with younger people who went through the substance misuse progression many of these kids say:

“No one said anything to me”… “it wasn’t talked about in school”.  “It wasn’t talked about anywhere”.

I’m not sure what the official protocol on prevention is these days.

I do know that youth drug use isn’t escalating.

It’s not that more kids than ever are using.

It’s that the ones who are using are using “Frankenstein Killer” substances.

So maybe prevention is working in the sense of overall use. It’s probably not a prevention issue.

It’s a “how do you talk to an impulsive and invincible 18 year old who’s already experimented with stuff”…issue.

The post This Is Not A U.F.C. Match – This is About Your Kids appeared first on The Recovery Cartel.

Finding a Good Corner-Man
by Richard Jones

Finding a good corner-man has always been important.  Having someone to talk to and process tough times is essential to emotional health.  Today, however, it is becoming harder and harder to find a confidant.  Natural supports used to exist within tight knit communities where people were more open and available.

Robert Greene, NY Times best-selling author, expressed it well when he wrote all of life is a hologram all that we see in people is not real.

It’s not quite as wonderful as FACEBOOK would have you believe.

However, we have pulled the curtain back and we know the reality of life backstage.  People are dealing with real deal problems and emotional distress is more the rule than the exception.

There are worries about kids, worries about parents, worries about school, worries about work, and WORRIES ABOUT WORRY.  Workloads are increasing and the fact we are always connected is adding to the problem.

Technology has an interesting way of transforming life for the better and the worse simultaneously.

The good news is that if you find an appropriate perspective anxiety and stress can actually become a friend.  Both can activate us into action and if kept in proper context the damage of chronic stress is minimal.

There are many ways to effectively deal with stress and other emotional concerns. Logic tells us that happiness trumps stress.  It is difficult for these two emotions to co-exist.

P.E.R.M.A.

The discipline of positive psychology teaches that 5 areas contribute substantially to subjective well-being (or happiness).

The acronym PERMA is an easy way to remember the “magic” formula:

• P=Pleasure or what you do for fun, hobbies. Also the absence of pain and need.
• E=Engagement or what you do that ignites your interests. Could be work or some other endeavor.
• R=Relationships or who are the significant people in your life. Quality over quantity.
• M=Meaning or greater good. Are you connected to something greater than you?
• A=Attitude or your outlook on any given situation/event.

HAVING A CORNER-MAN CAN MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE:

Finding a person you can trust is essential to coping with stress, worries, anxiety and their associated problems.  You may be familiar with the concept of venting.

Venting, the way it is traditionally conceived, has been disputed by many people as an effective way to relieve pressure.  However, I am encouraging something beyond the venting process.

Venting implies one person expressing frustration while another person sits passively by just listening.  Listening is essential part of the supportive relationship but I am encouraging a more strategic and proactive process.

We believe that a corner-man can help you address all aspects of PERMA.  This is a more effective process than merely venting:

• P = A corner-man can help identify opportunities for fun, participate along with you, and help problem solve disconcerting situations.
• E = A corner-man can help process work related issues and problem-solve other opportunities for engagement.
• R = This area is self-explanatory as a corner-man constitutes a high quality relationship.
• M = A corner-man can provide support, encouragement, and help explore this existential area of life.
• A = A corner-man can provide clarification, reframing and support as you reevaluate situations and events in your life.

A Very Special Relationship

The term corner-man comes from boxing and signifies a very special relationship. The corner-man is a “coach or teammate assisting the fighter during the length of a bout”.

In life’s terms this means that the corner-man is there to go through the turmoil with you and coach you through the “fight”.  Please understand that a corner-man is not an easy find.

We have identified 5 essential qualities of a corner-man.  The more of these qualities an individual has the more productive the relationship will become.

A Good Corner-Man Is…

1.) Supportive

A good corner-man is supportive, accessible and present but doesn’t solve the problem for you.

In boxing the corner-man remain outside the combat area during the fight but is in close proximity to the action.  He provides assistance, advice, and instructions but doesn’t try to intervene in the action.

A corner-man in boxing waits until the opportune time to provide support, usually between rounds.  The same can be said for a corner-man in life.  If your corner-man becomes overly involved (for example engages in enabling behavior) the support can become counterproductive and problematic.

At the same time your corner-man in life needs to be accessible.  For example, if it takes two weeks to get an appointment to see a therapist you need to find a new corner-man.  You may keep your therapist, but you may want to get a corner-man.

2.) Has The Experience

A good corner-man has some direct experience with the battle. In boxing a corner-man is almost always an ex-boxer, trainer, or coach.  Rarely will somewhere just come in from the sidelines without the lived experience of the sport.

The same can be said of a corner-man in life.  Your corner-man doesn’t need to have identical experience to your current struggle, however, he should have some history of overcoming something.

If he presents himself as void of past difficulties than I would run the other way.  That would be the equivalent of having me as a boxing corner-man.  Someone will get hurt real bad.  It is very much an issue of experience versus theory and we encourage you to lean heavy on the experiential end.

3.) Provide Support and Instruction

A good corner-man will provide individualized support and instruction. In boxing a corner-man will vary his approach according to the individual needs and characteristics of the boxer.  A right handed boxer is not handled the same way as a left handed boxer.

A “technician” is handled differently than a “brawler”. Rocky was handled in a different way than Apollo Creed.  The same can be said of a corner-man in life.

Unfortunately, most “helpers” prefer to give rote instructions and a manual on life.  They seem to maintain an attitude of “if it worked for me and/or I read it in a book than it will certainly work for you”.

The essence of human motivation lies in the unique needs, values, and psychology of each individual person.  A one-size fits all approach is destined to yield little positive return.

4.) Is the “Cut-Man”

Occasionally the corner-man has to perform “cut-man” duties:

In boxing there will be times when the boxer’s eyes and face will swell due to getting repeatedly punched in the face.   This can make it very hard to see the opponent.

Sometimes in these circumstances the corner-man will need to “cut” the boxer to relieve the pressure and make it possible for the boxer to see again.  Sometimes your corner-man in life will also need to say or do whatever is necessary for you to be able to see clearly.

Your vision can become cloudy by repeating a behavior over and over or by a well-defined denial system (ie…getting punched in the face repeatedly).  In these cases, your corner-man in life may need to cause you temporary pain for long term gain.

5.) Knows When the Fight is Over

Finally, the corner-man is many times the one responsible for “throwing in the towel”.

In boxing the corner-man usually holds the responsibility of throwing in the towel to signify the fight is over.

This is done when the boxer is getting beaten to a point of danger.  Throwing in the towel is usually not received well by the boxer.

The fighter will naturally want to continue the fight and go on to the bitter ends.  In life it can also be necessary to throw in the towel and get more intensive help.  The best example is a person struggling with addiction.

Sometimes the corner-man needs to pull the ripcord and get the person more intensive help.

The post FIND A GOOD CORNER-MAN – OR ELSE… appeared first on The Recovery Cartel.

FOCUSING ON YOURSELF!  by Richard Jones

The concept of “working on yourself” is difficult for families to grasp. In our Family Recovery Groups at FAVOR Greenville we spend a lot of time on this issue.

The impulse to control and fix is natural. It’s not pathological to want to rescue your child. It is biological hardwired into you as a mother.

You are compelled at an instinctual level to “save your child”.  When people dismiss you out of hand and scoff at your desire to help they are being short-sighted and demonstrating a fundamental lack of understanding.

Kick the Bum Out

When people tell you to detach and “kick the bum out” they are being cruel and engaging in classic “do as I say not as I do” behavior.

These good people would not follow their own knee-jerk advice. If we were to reverse the roles.

Rescuing can, however, become counter-productive and enable the addicted individual to engage in ongoing self-destructive behaviors. In addition, you are going to personally self-destruct.

You can only handle so many sleepless nights and anxiety filled days.

The Worry Cycle

I know what it is like to find yourself in the worry cycle.  That endless path of chasing scenario after scenario.  All the “what ifs”. The negative impact of stress on physical health has been well documented.

Upwards of 70 serious health conditions are directly caused or exacerbated by chronic stress.  The addiction will take you out as quick as it will take out your loved one.

Lastly, as you work on yourself you increase the likelihood of change in your loved one.

Family Systems Theory

The family is a system; changing one part of a system influences all other parts of the system.

Family systems theory holds that individual family members fall into predictable roles and serve particular functions within the larger family system.

In addition, the family system (indeed any system) exists to preserve itself.

Unless acted upon by a strong internal or external force the system will proceed down the path of collective destruction. Given this reality it is self-evident then that any individual part of that system could impact the system as a whole.  Including the addicted individual.

Therefore, when in doubt.

Work on yourself!

It seems to me that all family recovery addresses three interrelated issues:

Anxiety, Worry, and Chronic Stress.

Therefore, why don’t you initiate a practice of focusing on actions. Focus on positive actions that reduce anxiety, worry and stress.

Helpful and Healthy Suggestions:

Become part of a group. We are social creatures. You don’t even need to enjoy the content of the group. Just being around people with similar struggles will prove uplifting.

The benefits of group are clear:

• Universality – you realize you are not alone
• Altruism – you get to help others
• Imitative Behavior – you hear from others who have gone through the same thing and
• Develop Coping Skills – more adaptive responses.
• Instillation of Hope—Perhaps the most powerful factor

These are 3 FREE and easily accessible activities which have proven to reduce stress:

• Go outside, take a walk
• Listen to your favorite music
• Smile and laugh

1. Do something fun for yourself that is solely meant to provide entertainment and fun and not work related.
2. Prayer and meditation.  Regardless of your personal beliefs we know that prayer and meditation have positive impact on neurobiological pathways.
3. Find a confidant. One to one. Sometimes you can’t share at group level and having a one to one relationship can be invaluable.  This could be a therapist, a sponsor, or a coach.
4. Eliminate toxic people from your life.  You have no time for people who drag you down. Eliminate judgmental people.
5. And most important. –

RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO ISOLATE. ISOLATION CAUSES DEPRESSION. 

It is isolation that is the main cause of depression, not serotonin,

Try a family recovery plan for 6 weeks and
I guarantee you will feel better.

Click Here for Info on Family Recovery

The post Family Recovery: FOCUSING ON YOURSELF! appeared first on The Recovery Cartel.

Boundaries

Boundaries is a word that gets bantered about all over the place in the recovery world. Actually it gets thrown around in all aspects of life. People devote extensive time to working on boundaries and setting limits within relationships. It is most certainly one of the key aspects of leading a healthy life. Without boundaries you can lose yourself and, in extreme cases, become involved in abusive relationships.

How do you “do” boundaries? What are the skills and guidelines for setting boundaries? Many times, a circular conversation ensues around setting boundaries:

Family member (FM): I don’t know what to do my kid just keeps smoking pot in his room and I have told him to stop.

Very Helpful Person (VHP): Well just set a boundary about smoking pot.

FM: How do I do that?

VHP: Just tell him. Stop smoking pot or there will be consequences.

FM: I tried that. He is still smoking.

VHP: That’s cause you didn’t set the boundary.

FM: What boundary?

VHP: The one about smoking pot.

FM: How do I do that?

VHP: Just tell him. If he doesn’t quit smoking pot there will be consequences.

FM: What kind of consequences?

VHP: Take his phone.

FM: I tried that. He just flipped out until I gave it back.

VHP: That’s cause you need to set boundaries about how he talks to you.

FM: What do you mean?

VHP: Tell him he can’t talk to you like that.

FM: He knows that. He does it anyway.

VHP: Well you need to get better boundaries…  I heard they are having a sale at Walmart. Two for one. Let’s go.

Maybe I’m exaggerating just a bit. I am the king of hyperbole. However, the process of setting boundaries is much more involved than a simple declaration of intent. There are entire books dedicated to the concept. Maybe we can keep it simple by focusing on a variation of the classic saying: Say what you mean!  Mean what you say! But don’t say it mean!  How does this apply to addiction and family recovery.

Say what you mean!

“Saying what you mean” is about consistency between one’s thoughts and words. It is a plea to be honest, to truthfully represent one’s understanding, state or intent when describing it verbally (Runion).  This is difficult for everyone. It gets especially challenging when addiction enters the picture.

Consistency between one’s thoughts and words presupposes that one has awareness of one’s thoughts.  It has been said that the average human being has at least 77,000 thoughts per day and the overwhelming majority operate below conscious recognition. Under the best of circumstances we have difficulty staying in the present moment. Our behaviors and words are influenced by past experiences and future considerations. It is hard to have consistency when you aren’t even sure what you are thinking. It is as if life “just happens”.

Now add in addiction and all the chaos, drama, and fear associated with that reality. I would argue that a family member living through a loved one’s addiction experiences post traumatic stress disorder. Traumatic experiences are encoded and frozen in the information processing system of the brain making thought recognition even more difficult. At any given time family members will be triggered and re-experience previous events and situations.

How can you say what you mean when you aren’t even sure what you mean?

Therefore it is important to gain an understanding of “what you mean”.  What is it that you want to see happen? What is the specific problem that you need to address? One of the ways helpers inadvertently confuse the family even further is by telling them “you need to work on yourself”. This muddies the water because many times the family actually wants to “help” their loved one. I’m hear to tell you. That is perfectly understandable.

After you work through “what can I do” family members will frequently come to the conclusion that they must change some of their behaviors. This is where the boundaries talk comes in. Some recommendations:

Identify “target” outcome-How do you want to be treated?

Remember the target outcome is about you not about the other person. Ask yourself: What do I need to be different in order for my life to improve? Try to avoid focusing on the behavior of the other person excepts as it relates to you. A quick example:

Johnny returns from rehab and is living at home with you. He’s 22 and not sure about going back to school or going to work. Johnny tends to go out late with his friends. He is 22…the night starts for him at 10 pm. You are 50. The night ends for you at 10 pm. Johnny tends to come in at 1 am. You are frequently up all night waiting for him to come home. Even though you aren’t sure he is using your anxiety and worry gets the best of you. The lack of sleep is starting to impact your life. You realize you can’t go to sleep until Johnny is “in for the night”.

At first glance the issue seems to be Johnny not coming in at a reasonable time. Your impulse may be to break off a speech about a curfew and coming in at reasonable hour. However, for a 22 year old 1 am is reasonable.

The real problem is your lack of sleep.  So the target is: “I would like to get enough sleep” NOT a random curfew for Johnny.

This changes everything. Say what you mean in this case is translated as “I NEED TO GET A DECENT NIGHT SLEEP or you won’t be able to continue to live here. Something has to change about how late you stay out”.  The details of this can actually be worked out with Johnny. Maybe this means he agrees to come in at midnight. Or maybe it means he agrees to spend the night with a positive friend rather than come home late.

Mean what you say!

“Meaning what you say” is usually about consistency between one’s words and subsequent related behavior or actions.  This is where the rubber meets the road. Meaning what you say implies that you can carry through with what ever limit you set forth when you “say what you mean”.

The most important part of this process is thinking it through before you set the boundary and discuss the limitations and associated consequences. If you make statements that you cannot carry through on your authority is significantly undermined. It is better to say nothing at all than to make an empty threat.  Of course, this is easier said than done. You need to develop ways of “pausing” before speaking on these subjects.

You also need to develop a team of people who can support in processing situations and exploring options. Parents for example, need to support one another in the decision making process. If there is disagreement around boundaries this will become a glaring problem when the boundaries are enforced. Sometimes a trusted coach or sponsor can help your family discuss these tough issues. Sometimes a therapist or counselor will be necessary. In some cases the parents will need to address deeper issues. The graphic below is meant to describe the importance of having crucial conversations regarding these underlying issues. Sometimes the “rules” and techniques (boundaries) need to wait until the foundation is shored up. For example, its hard to make sure everyone is on the same page regarding boundaries if mom thinks dad is “just not a good parent” and “does not want the best for the kid”. This will require clinical support to work through these complex issues.

In addition to parents, it is sometimes necessary to bring extended family into the discussion. Grandparents for example are intimately involved in many kid’s lives. Extended family members and friend have influence. They need to be on the same page with many of the boundaries that are set in these situations.

Furthermore, parents and extended family should discuss ways to give each other respite and support. Recovery is a process not an event. A marathon not a sprint.

Once the boundaries are agreed upon it is important to stay involved with your support system so that you can carry through over the long term.

Even more importantly, it is important to communicate these expectations clearly to your loved one. This is where the final part of the formula comes in.

But don’t say it mean!

Addiction is a beast. It can bring out the worst in all of us. The addicted individual will engage in outrageous self destructive behaviors. Stealing, lying and manipulating may become common place. If you aren’t careful your loved one will have you believing that 2 + 2= 8.

In turn this can bring out frustration in the family. Family members can lash out in anger and say things in aggressive ways. Impulsive statements about “throwing you out” become commonplace. Clear communication is going to take an effort. There is no easy way to maintain your cool in the face of an addition related crisis. However, here are some general guidelines:

VERY IMPORTANT: KNOW YOUR TRIGGER AREAS. ASK FOR HELP WITH YOUR BLIND SPOT.

Perhaps most importantly is recognition of your “hot buttons”. If you are going into a potentially conflict laden situation gaining awareness of what gets you fired up is very important. You may need to ask for feedback from you spouse or other family members in order to identify this. Many times these issues fall into our “blind pane”. However, identifying these potential trigger areas is vital to successful communication of the boundaries.

• Don’t confront the person when they are under the influence. Wait until the next morning. Unless it is immediate crisis and person is danger to self or others in which case enact emergency services.
• Rehearse the conversation.
• Bring bullet points or a script. The addicted individual will try and get you off track and will bring up things unrelated to boundaries. Stay out of the weeds.
• If the boundary involves outside forces (ie…the person needs to be evicted, the person needs commitment, etc…) make sure you have all the extraneous details worked out. Paperwork, phone calls to rehab, list of shelters.  Bring this to the meeting. Again, having a family coach or a group to support you in this preparation can be helpful.
• Have the conversation when you have energy and you are not already emotionally depleted.

I want to go on the record. This is all easier said than done and none of it is an exact science. Please become involved in local support groups and seek out professional assistance as you prepare for these conversations. Managing boundaries is hard enough. Addiction makes is downright overwhelming.

The post Mean What You Say, Say What You Mean appeared first on The Recovery Cartel.