dad

Never Enough

For me and my hedonistic treadmill of a brain….Never enough goes beyond drugs.

Obsessive is my default setting.

Moderation in any area requires focus for me. I need to have my head in the game.

Recovery

Recovery from substance use disorder has made it possible to avoid total self destruction in these other areas.

However, I still need to be on top of things and open to support and ideas.

I need to seek out the right mentors.

What worked last month may need re-evaluated this month.

Change plans to change outcomes.

Plans & Outcomes

For example.

Work. It can consume me. Because it’s an escape and the achievement comes with a dopamine hit.

I’m very competent in this area of life so I will gravitate to work.

And if one hour of work is a dopamine hit, then another and another and another makes complete sense…..

90 hours later my kids can’t even recognize me.

Being Dad

Being a dad is tougher than work.

I never was taught anything about being a dad. My father was a maniac.

In my mind, I cant do anything well in the parenting area.

I perceive myself as incompetent. Plus it’s so freaking hard.

Therefore, I gravitate to what makes me feel better.

Hardwired

Human beings are hardwired to seek pleasure and avoid pain.

I will be a work in progress forever.

I can’t relate to being “set free”.

Quite frankly I do not trust people who play it off like the struggle is gone. I’m a work in progress.

The Spiritual Struggle

I just don’t believe those people who pretend to be so “spiritual” they don’t struggle.

Spiritual means embracing the struggle.

Suffering well when it’s bad and savoring the good days.

I will try to improve and master myself every single day. Until I die.

Magical Solution – Nope

Because there is no magical solution for me.

I think there are so many fake people out there. Bullshitters.

What you see is what you get with me.

I’m not the poster child for serenity