I’m coming out the other end of a very rough period in my life. I’m re-calibrated.
I’m back (I’m gonna rant soon to make it official). People say that wisdom is the accumulation and assimilation of life’s experiences; when evaluated and processed these events provide valuable perspective.
If you come out of an event with new perspective then the event was productive and has meaning.
Making meaning out of suffering is our only hope for a good life. Recent events in my life make this quote I have included in the blog post from Steve Jobs more significant for me.
I will not be constrained by conventional wisdom and the dictates of society…or the dogma of my industry.
Believe me… life is short. Life is hard. Life comes with challenges and obstacles and emotional strife.
Life will punch you in the face. But what makes it even harder? When you deal with these challenges wondering what other people think.
Or when you make decisions based on what society says you “should” do or what tradition dictates.
Think about the people who’s opinion you have given too much value. Most of these people in society who are dragging other people down are suffering at a deep level. Most of the “norms” are random and superficial. Most people follow the rules because it’s “just the way we do things”… Who made these rules?
I may screw things up but it will not be out of fear and it will not be because I’m timid and afraid to take a chance. I will mitigate risk as much as possible (this can be done relatively easily). I will ask for advice from people I respect. I will seek wisdom from people with special skills and knowledge. I will ask my wife what she thinks. I will not stay stagnant just because it’s “comfortable” because for me it isn’t comfortable… It’s deadly…
I vow, I will not make a decision based on how it fits in with dogma. I will move to Montana tomorrow and become a cowboy if I think it will be good for me, my family and my mission….
Can you imagine that? Me as a cowboy…well maybe that’s not the best example…
Some of the problems I have are real challenges. Legitimate concerns. This is fear.
It usually involves a tangible object or situation. Fear requires a subject producing the fear. A real threat.
Most of my problems, however, are possibilities, contingencies, “what if’s”, future oriented, and sometimes straight made up.
This is anxiety. Worry over possible bad outcomes.
Fear serves a purpose.
In evolutionary terms it was healthy to have fear. If you were too relaxed back in the day you would get stomped on by a woolly mammoth.
Our brain is hardwired to pick up danger and keep us on our toes.
However, our world has become relatively safe; statistically speaking this is the safest period in human history in terms of physical threats and danger. It still sucks for many…. but many of us are NOT in immediate danger.
So what does a hyper-vigilant human brain do when there is no immediate threat?
It makes one up…creates a monster when there is no monster.
Lurking in the shadows
Anxiety…is fear focused on shadows and possibilities. Some shadows are more tangible than others and some more pressing than others.
Some are just 100% made up.
Unchecked anxiety builds and builds and becomes a monster all it’s own. Then we worry about worry. We become anxious about being anxious.
We can own our fear.
I have fear. However, I don’t want to be consumed by anxiety.
Today in the United States, fear and anxiety disorders are together the most common psychiatric problem, affecting roughly 20 percent of all Americans at a cost of more than $40 billion in lost productivity every year.
Awareness of the difference between anxiety and fear; rational and irrational may help.
Journaling on these differences can most certainly help.
Then there’s the whole underlying trauma issue….. but we won’t get into that right now.
Finding a good corner-man has always been important. Having someone to talk to and process tough times is essential to emotional health. Today, however, it is becoming harder and harder to find a confidant. Natural supports used to exist within tight knit communities where people were more open and available.
Robert Greene, NY Times best-selling author, expressed it well when he wrote all of life is a hologram all that we see in people is not real.
It’s not quite as wonderful as FACEBOOK would have you believe.
However, we have pulled the curtain back and we know the reality of life backstage. People are dealing with real deal problems and emotional distress is more the rule than the exception.
There are worries about kids, worries about parents, worries about school, worries about work, and WORRIES ABOUT WORRY. Workloads are increasing and the fact we are always connected is adding to the problem.
Technology has an interesting way of transforming life for the better and the worse simultaneously.
The good news is that if you find an appropriate perspective anxiety and stress can actually become a friend. Both can activate us into action and if kept in proper context the damage of chronic stress is minimal.
There are many ways to effectively deal with stress and other emotional concerns. Logic tells us that happiness trumps stress. It is difficult for these two emotions to co-exist.
P.E.R.M.A.
The discipline of positive psychology teaches that 5 areas contribute substantially to subjective well-being (or happiness).
The acronym PERMA is an easy way to remember the “magic” formula:
P=Pleasure or what you do for fun, hobbies. Also the absence of pain and need.
E=Engagement or what you do that ignites your interests. Could be work or some other endeavor.
R=Relationships or who are the significant people in your life. Quality over quantity.
M=Meaning or greater good. Are you connected to something greater than you?
A=Attitude or your outlook on any given situation/event.
HAVING A CORNER-MAN CAN MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE:
Finding a person you can trust is essential to coping with stress, worries, anxiety and their associated problems. You may be familiar with the concept of venting.
Venting, the way it is traditionally conceived, has been disputed by many people as an effective way to relieve pressure. However, I am encouraging something beyond the venting process.
Venting implies one person expressing frustration while another person sits passively by just listening. Listening is essential part of the supportive relationship but I am encouraging a more strategic and proactive process.
We believe that a corner-man can help you address all aspects of PERMA. This is a more effective process than merely venting:
P = A corner-man can help identify opportunities for fun, participate along with you, and help problem solve disconcerting situations.
E = A corner-man can help process work related issues and problem-solve other opportunities for engagement.
R = This area is self-explanatory as a corner-man constitutes a high quality relationship.
M = A corner-man can provide support, encouragement, and help explore this existential area of life.
A = A corner-man can provide clarification, reframing and support as you reevaluate situations and events in your life.
A Very Special Relationship
The term corner-man comes from boxing and signifies a very special relationship. The corner-man is a “coach or teammate assisting the fighter during the length of a bout”.
In life’s terms this means that the corner-man is there to go through the turmoil with you and coach you through the “fight”. Please understand that a corner-man is not an easy find.
We have identified 5 essential qualities of a corner-man. The more of these qualities an individual has the more productive the relationship will become.
A Good Corner-Man Is…
1.) Supportive
A good corner-man is supportive, accessible and present but doesn’t solve the problem for you.
In boxing the corner-man remain outside the combat area during the fight but is in close proximity to the action. He provides assistance, advice, and instructions but doesn’t try to intervene in the action.
A corner-man in boxing waits until the opportune time to provide support, usually between rounds. The same can be said for a corner-man in life. If your corner-man becomes overly involved (for example engages in enabling behavior) the support can become counterproductive and problematic.
At the same time your corner-man in life needs to be accessible. For example, if it takes two weeks to get an appointment to see a therapist you need to find a new corner-man. You may keep your therapist, but you may want to get a corner-man.
2.) Has The Experience
A good corner-man has some direct experience with the battle. In boxing a corner-man is almost always an ex-boxer, trainer, or coach. Rarely will somewhere just come in from the sidelines without the lived experience of the sport.
The same can be said of a corner-man in life. Your corner-man doesn’t need to have identical experience to your current struggle, however, he should have some history of overcoming something.
If he presents himself as void of past difficulties than I would run the other way. That would be the equivalent of having me as a boxing corner-man. Someone will get hurt real bad. It is very much an issue of experience versus theory and we encourage you to lean heavy on the experiential end.
3.) Provide Support and Instruction
A good corner-man will provide individualized support and instruction. In boxing a corner-man will vary his approach according to the individual needs and characteristics of the boxer. A right handed boxer is not handled the same way as a left handed boxer.
A “technician” is handled differently than a “brawler”. Rocky was handled in a different way than Apollo Creed. The same can be said of a corner-man in life.
Unfortunately, most “helpers” prefer to give rote instructions and a manual on life. They seem to maintain an attitude of “if it worked for me and/or I read it in a book than it will certainly work for you”.
The essence of human motivation lies in the unique needs, values, and psychology of each individual person. A one-size fits all approach is destined to yield little positive return.
4.) Is the “Cut-Man”
Occasionally the corner-man has to perform “cut-man” duties:
In boxing there will be times when the boxer’s eyes and face will swell due to getting repeatedly punched in the face. This can make it very hard to see the opponent.
Sometimes in these circumstances the corner-man will need to “cut” the boxer to relieve the pressure and make it possible for the boxer to see again. Sometimes your corner-man in life will also need to say or do whatever is necessary for you to be able to see clearly.
Your vision can become cloudy by repeating a behavior over and over or by a well-defined denial system (ie…getting punched in the face repeatedly). In these cases, your corner-man in life may need to cause you temporary pain for long term gain.
5.) Knows When the Fight is Over
Finally, the corner-man is many times the one responsible for “throwing in the towel”.
In boxing the corner-man usually holds the responsibility of throwing in the towel to signify the fight is over.
This is done when the boxer is getting beaten to a point of danger. Throwing in the towel is usually not received well by the boxer.
The fighter will naturally want to continue the fight and go on to the bitter ends. In life it can also be necessary to throw in the towel and get more intensive help. The best example is a person struggling with addiction.
Sometimes the corner-man needs to pull the ripcord and get the person more intensive help.
Finding purpose may be the most important aspect of finding peace, contentment…dare I say happiness.
Mark Twain said:
“The 2 most important days of your life; the day you were born and the day you find out why you were born.”
Viktor Frankl (Man’s Search For Meaning) said happiness is the result of fulfilling one’s purpose.
You will not experience happiness (or subjective well being) by seeking happiness. It is a “side effect” of working within one’s purpose. Or better yet, having meaning in your life.
You can find temporary happiness and distraction in hedonism and pleasure seeking.
Indeed, pleasure is a necessary part of life. However, the pursuit of happiness actually leads to unhappiness. Happiness is a result of a journey; not a destination.
Purpose is ______
Purpose is something to explore at an individual level and at an organizational level. It is different than “mission” or “vision”. It is deep. Purpose is existential and metaphysical. But at the same time it is operational and has a “real world aspect”.
Purpose involves a BIG AUDACIOUS GOAL. It is our “stretch goal”.
Purpose and meaning will also allow us to move through suffering and function (perhaps even thrive) in the face of terrible outcomes.
All of us. ALL OF US… ONCE MORE…ALL OF US are subject to grief, loss, disappointment, worry.
Life is Hard
Life is hard. Our consumer driven culture tells us that we all SHOULD have a “hallmark card” existence. Marketing and advertising executives are masters at creating envy and self-doubt…so that we run out and buy something new. Meaning and purpose give us a reason to go on.
Staying in touch with “why are we here” will get us through major challenges.
Just remember: S – M = D
Suffering – Meaning = Despair.
AND: S + M = H
Suffering + Meaning = HOPE.
My Purpose?
What is my purpose and what is the purpose of the organizations I choose to be part of? In addition, what is the purpose of the friends I choose to associate with?
It’s hard to sum up in one distinct sentence: maybe a set of principles:
1) I need to put my family first.
When push comes to shove I will always put my family ahead of my business, friends, etc… For me this bumps up against my workaholic nature. But make no mistake; financially and otherwise. I will always act with their interests in mind first.
2) Human beings deserve respect by virtue of fact they are breathing.
ALL HUMAN BEINGS DESERVE ACCESS TO LIFE CHANGING SUPPORT SERVICES. This access should NOT BE CONTINGENT on their compliance with an arbitrary “willingness” criteria. Therefore, the office based model is useless in my mind.
I have unique abilities at building relationships with hurting people. As well as having unique abilities to teach others how to do this. I have unique abilities in setting up systems that support the delivery of these services.
I have a moral obligation to reach as many people as possible. EXCEPT WHEN TO DO SO WILL HURT ME OR MY FAMILY.
3) Therefore, my professional purpose is to literally change the way professional “helping” services are delivered so that addiction, depression, anxiety and suicide become the exception rather than the rule.
Eradicate suffering and death associated with these treatable and preventable conditions.
Global Eradication
Global eradication will obviously require a fundamentally new way of addressing these issues. The solution has not yet been discovered. The solution has nothing to do with existing practices.
NOTE: if people find this type of talk “corny” or “over the top” they are not allowed in my circle. I will not affiliate with them. If they are extended family or friends even…I will not affiliate with them beyond the necessary superficial interactions. Also, I care not what they think of me…
I Struggle and Suffer
As a parent I struggle with an ever-present feeling I am not the best father. This may not be seen as “suffering” in the classic sense. However, when it gets bad it keeps me up at night and definitely impacts me in a negative manner.
I “suffer” through the self-doubt and negative self-talk for sure as well as the guilt.
I struggle with the amount of time I work and spend a good deal of time beating myself up.
As stated above; I have a tendency toward workaholism and I also suffer through self-doubt related to the program and the business. I get down and I ask myself: Why bother with this? Why are you killing yourself working this way?
Just go punch a clock. I get full of fear and anxiety related to finances. As far as I’m concerned…I suffer.
But if I am able to step back and evaluate things in terms of “my purpose”.
3 Guidelines
In terms of these 3 guidelines; perhaps I will come to a different conclusion. Let’s look at this through this matrix:
1). Have I demonstrated adherence to the principle of family first when push comes to shove:
I would answer that as a yes. I have quit jobs and I have changed schedules on the drop of a dime when my family was in need. Our lifestyle currently allows me to work this schedule. But if something changes with my wife’s availability or with health issues or with school issues etc… I will change course immediately. I am operating within my purpose.
2). Have I demonstrated adherence to the principle of human beings deserve respect and support and access to life changing services?
This is very important and relates to question 1. My “workaholic” tendency are played out in a vocation that is not well rewarded financially, that is thankless in many ways, that involves pain and suffering. I’m not working all these hours to just accumulate wealth. I’m on a mission. I am operating within my purpose.
3). Have I demonstrated adherence to the principle of transforming the delivery of services and changing the world?
Yes! I have no interest in making a living or interest in creating just another treatment or recovery program. I have no interest in the status quo, spending all day every day trying to figure out a way to turn this thing on its head.
Find Your Purpose.
Therefore, I am operating within my purpose. This makes the day a bit easier. This keeps me moving forward when the voice in my head is screaming “quit”. This makes it all worthwhile. This is the key to life…. Find your purpose.
Do an exercise like this… try to get clear on your purpose. I promise it will help.
Human beings are hard-wired to notice the dangers and threats in their environment. From an evolutionary perspective being anxious, worried, and “on your toes” were good qualities. However, in today’s world worry is a major and sometimes difficult challenge
Back in the day; worry would keep you alive in a dangerous world. If you were too relaxed you were going to get eaten or stepped on by a woolly mammoth.
We carry this same type of hypervigilance with us today.
The good news is, most of us are not in physical danger on most days. Instead, we tend to channel this energy and vigilance toward psychological threats and potential problems. Dealing with worry and anxiety is a challenge for all human beings.
It is certainly part of the recovery process.
Of course, this also applies to family members dealing with a loved one’s addiction.
A Major Challenge
Stating the obvious. Worry is a major challenge if you are dealing with your loved one and any healthcare issue. This is certainly the case with substance use disorders.
The chronic nature of these issues; The ups and downs; The seemingly outrageous, irrational and infuriating behaviors that accompany the disorder.
You have probably been told: “you need to focus on yourself” or “let go and let God” or “detach with love”. All of this is good advice. If only it were that simple.
If you are in recovery, from anything, managing worry is very important. Out of control worry and anxiety increases relapse risk and decreases quality of life. It’s a very important aspect of POSITIVE RECOVERY.
Perhaps some more information and practical suggestions will help you along the way:
What Are You Dealing With?
First, it is important to understand exactly what you are dealing with where worry and anxiety is concerned. You may have been told you have an anxiety disorder. You may have been told you are a chronic worrier.
For clarification purposes:
Worry: a state of anxiety and uncertainty over actual or potential problems. A chain of negative laden thoughts reviewing past issues or projecting future results.
Many times, worry takes on a problem solving element. An attempt to “figure it out”.
A couple of things right off the jump: The concept of “uncertainty over actual or potential problems” warrants further attention.
We must emphasize that where addiction and recovery are concerned, there are always real and actual problems to consider. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY FOR WORRYING ABOUT THE REAL PROBLEMS THAT EXIST IN YOUR LIFE. That is normal.
The issue gets more serious when you become consumed. When you worry about worry. When it debilitates and distracts you in a damaging manner.
Here is some practical advice and a couple of ideas to assist you in coping with worry and anxiety.
1) Try to stay in the present moment.
Worry involves an almost compulsive tendency to project future outcomes and/or ruminate on past issues.
Staying in the present moment is a SKILL that you can develop over time:
a) Daily practice to stay grounded include meditation, prayer, and mindfulness exercises. A couple other exercises include: turning off the music/radio as you drive to work; pay attention to your surroundings; many times we drive to work on automatic pilot.
b) In the moment exercises: When you find your mind wandering bring yourself back and place intentional focus on whatever activity is in front of you. Literally talk to yourself. In you mind walk yourself through the activity (“I am now calling the next customer”; “I am now grading these papers” etc…)
2) DO NOT try and suppress the worry by berating yourself.
DO NOT “worry about worry”. As we try and push down a thought or an emotion it tends to gain strength. Instead try to accept and observe the worry and “ride it out”. Remember, what you fight gets stronger. Accept the situation, observe the feelings and it will dissipate quicker than you may anticipate.
3) Try to focus on the positive things in your life.
Our brain picks up on the negative but we need to be intentional about noticing the positive.
Every day write down 3 good things that happened that day. Rather than a general gratitude list, “3 good things” should focus on very specific things that happened throughout the course of the day.
Write it down. Preferably at the end of the day; same time every day.
Try these things. Commit to 30 days of reprogramming yourself. See if it improves.
As we enter into a positive recovery lifestyle, learning to live life to the fullest can be overwhelming and seemingly impossible to attain.
In this latest post from Richard Jones, Rich shares with us his thoughts and ideas about how adopting a positive recovery attitude and how taking action is key to overcoming the negative effects of addiction.
We Need More Stories of Hope.
Addiction has become a headline issue. For good reasons. The overdose rate continues to climb year over year (65,000 annually) and alcohol continues to take out about 88,000 per year.
It’s stunning to see the explosion of advocacy and recovery groups. This has to be a good thing.
The stigma is being confronted and people are willing to speak out. Of course, there will be problems and it’s not all positive but we need to talk about recovery.
Recovery Occurs In Many Different Ways.
We need to emphasize that recovery comes in all shapes and sizes. There are multiple pathways. There are multiple solutions. Recovery requires hard work.
However, there is great joy and there are many ways that a person can thrive in recovery.
Not everyone makes it. Not everyone thrives. But many do!
And many more would if we PROMOTE recovery and emphasize the upside.
A Lifestyle Management Issue
But let’s think about this! LIFE IS HARD! Life is a fatal proposition. All human beings have ups and downs. All human beings have dark days.
There is no such thing as addictive thinking. There is only thinking!
Life can involve recovery from all types of things!
We need to inform people that there is great possibility around the corner.
We need to emphasize what we gain in recovery; not what we give up!
We need to focus on this as a healthcare issue. A lifestyle management issue.
There Are Multiple Pathways for Success.
Some people get well through existing programs of recovery. There are many different pathways to recovery.
In addition, some people find recovery through ongoing clinical support. Medication Assisted Treatment is a legitimate pathway to recovery.
IMPORTANT NOTE:
IF YOU ARE ENGAGED IN A PROGRAM AND IT WORKS FOR YOU!
BY ALL MEANS KEEP DOING THE PROGRAM!
IF IT’S NOT BROKE…DON’T FIX IT!
Personal Experience
I have noticed in my personal experience my recovery has evolved and progressed over time.
I have been actively engaged in therapy, actively engaged in 12-step meetings, actively engaged in family recovery groups and actively engaged in church.
All these things have helped me over the last 17 years. But my level of involvement has changed over time.
My needs have changed over time. I have no intention of staying stagnant.
Helping Others – Get Involved
It is interesting to note that the one thing that has stayed consistent over time is my involvement in helping others.
Not just in the addiction and recovery world. I have spent time providing mental health therapy, stress management coaching and positive psychology coaching.
I have spent time working with seriously and persistently mentally ill in the streets of Pittsburgh. Five years with homeless population in Pittsburgh.
Helping people can extend beyond the rooms of recovery. Altruism is altruism. Spread your wings!
What Is The First Thing You Have To Do?
The first thing you have to do is stabilize. However, we also know that addiction is more than bad behavior.
There is more involved than merely making better decisions. There is a fundamental “brain change” that occurs when addiction enters the picture.
This has been hotly debated and many people challenge this assumption.
There are some who believe addiction is a moral choice, there are some who believe it is a problem of connection, others who believe it is a problem of learning disorder, and some who believe that it is a spiritual problem.
There are also people who believe addiction is a combination of all of the above.
We Stopped Learning in The 70’s
There is probably much we do NOT know about addiction. We essentially stopped learning in the 1970’s when the Minnesota Model took over treatment.
However, I think it is important for people to realize that the brain is impacted.
Regardless of how you semantically describe the process; something changes in the brain. This contributes to compulsive use and obsessive thinking about the substance and use despite consequences:
This image displays the depressed dopamine levels that occur with chronic substance misuse. I’m not a neurologist but I would prefer the brain on the right over the brain on the left.
What Can I do About This?
The best way to answer this question is to describe the treatment and recovery process.
There are multiple options and ways to attack this issue. Most people have heard about “rehab” and many equate this to recovery. Rehab does not equal recovery.
There are different levels of care associated with the treatment process and a thorough clinical assessment can help determine the recommended level of care.
Regardless, you must start with a stabilization process. It’s going to be difficult to thrive in life if you do not address the neurobiological aspect of this healthcare issue.
This will require putting the substance down and getting through an initial period of detoxification and stabilization.
Let’s assume, however, that you are stabilized. You have “come back online” and you have regained the ability to make better decisions.
Let’s take it one step further and assume you have established a good routine and, for the most part, using substances is no longer a daily threat to your health and welfare. You may be thinking: “What’s next”?
As stated above there are many programs that address life in recovery. Some promote a spiritual solution. Others a rational solution. Others a social solution.
Many promote a combination of these as a solution. However, I would like to introduce a new concept.
Introducing Positive Recovery
Positive psychology was developed in 1993 by Martin Seligman and colleagues. Via his own personal experience, Seligman became interested in the concept of subjective well-being. Or what is more commonly known as happiness.
There have always been a multitude of interventions to help some who was clinically depressed get better. However, there were no interventions to help someone who was “okay” live a fuller and more robust life. We could help people survive. But nothing existed to help people thrive.
Positive psychology developed as a discipline to fill this void.
Since its inception in 1993, Positive Psychology has developed, tested and validated countless interventions that have proven to improve quality of life.
The program of Positive Recovery: post stabilization we apply the principles, exercises and framework of positive psychology to our lives in order to THRIVE NOT JUST SURVIVE.
NOTE: OF COURSE, THIS APPLIES TO BOTH THE INDIVIDUAL IN RECOVERY AND TO FAMILY MEMBERS!
Positive Recovery / Lesson #1 Engage in The “Free Three”
If you are feeling down. If you are worried, anxiety ridden, preoccupied, laden with fear and overcome by stress…
Starting today and for the next 6 weeks make this part your daily routine.
Every single day try to engage in the 3 most affordable and effective stress busters known to mankind. Scientifically proven to positively impact mood and decrease stress.
GO OUTSIDE – If you can get into nature that is ideal. If not take a walk. Or even if you just go out and stand there (although, that may be deemed kinda strange depending on the setting)
LISTEN TO MUSIC – Preferably listen to something upbeat. Whatever you are into. Me, I’m into late 90’s east coast gangsta rap. But whatever floats your boat.
LAUGH – YouTube makes this easy…pull up a funny video and laugh!
Do those 3 things every day and see what happens. Taking action in and of itself can improve things.
Getting out of the same old routine and rut. Change it up. What do you have to lose?
Positive Recovery and Psychology
I will be rolling out more information related to positive recovery and psychology.
I encourage you to check out my facebook group and my YouTube page on Positive Psychology as applied to my EAP practice:
I am a master of manipulating a situation so that “everyone stays calm”. If I am not careful this will happen in all parts of my life. Work, family, friends. This is a learned behavior and a natural result of growing up in an alcoholic home. In a war-zone. If you upset the apple cart in my childhood home; all hell is going to break lose.
Classic: Don’t Talk…Don’t Feel…Don’t Trust….
However, fake harmony is the enemy of setting boundaries. As I reflect on my life and the experiences I have had with families in the throes of a loved one’s addiction, I come to some pretty clear conclusions:
Setting boundaries is essentially the art of saying NO. Every boundary is essentially a form of saying NO. Sometimes very straight-forward:
“Can I borrow $100″… “NO you cannot”…
Sometimes it’s not as direct.
For example, a family member who drinks too much becoming verbally abusive when they drink… The boundary maybe you leave or it maybe they leave. But essentially it comes down to NO..
”You can’t treat me that way”…
So… what gets in the way of the boundary.
It’s not “what” to do. Most of the time we know that we should say NO. It’s “how” do we do it. Or maybe more accurately…why can we not do what is so obviously necessary and set this boundary?
1.)FEAR: We operate from fear of what is going to happen if we say no. We have scenarios that detail what is going to happen and we play them over in our mind. Fear controls us.
2.)JUST SAY YES: We plan on saying NO but in the moment, we allow the person to bully us into saying YES. They use intimidation, manipulation, and sometimes subtle techniques to keep us from saying NO. Example, give you the cold shoulder. Example, get you off task talking about other issues. Example, debate you to death. You give in just to shut the other person up and have some peace.
3.) PLEASE LOVE ME: We want the person to love us…or at least like us. So, we say YES as a way to not lose love and affection. In these cases, we tend to keep talking even after the boundary is set because we want the person to be happy about the boundary is set and life to be wonderful. They aren’t going to be happy. You just told them NO.
4.) I DID IT: Straight up guilt… We tell ourselves “it’s our fault”. The guilt clouds the rational decision making.
I’m a big fan of number 3… I need everyone I care about to like me and I need there to be peace in all my personal relationships. The reason being, I grew up in a home where unrest, discord, tension, resulted in really bad things. For me there is no in between.
Everyone is happy and everything is either really good…or the stuff is about to hit the fan.
In essence, I was always afraid of “destructive conflict” because I never knew there was “constructive conflict”. My response was to manage the situation and use my people skills to avoid direct confrontation. Of course, this approach has a short shelf life. It is unsustainable.
Constantly ignoring your own feelings does not change the reality of the situation.
How do you set boundaries in the face of these underlying issues. I would propose the following:
1.)For the fear based boundary challenges: There is a technique called “fear setting”. This is not for everyone because it can be a heavy duty emotional exercise. Fear setting involves getting in touch with the “worst case scenario” and trying to “sit in” the experience. Using guided imagery you can walk yourself through a mental exercise where the worst case scenario is played out. The idea being, if you can face this fear. You can set and maintain the boundary.
2.) For the “debater” and the “intimidator” challenges: The technique is called “hit and run”. Also structure the conversation. Make sure you have the conversation under conditions that naturally limit time for “discussion”.
Over the phone so you can employ the “I have to go now” technique. Or set the expectation at the beginning that you can only talk briefly. Be careful not to set the boundary talk in a circumstance where you can be held hostage. You don’t want to be a captive audience and enter in an extended debate concerning these issues.
3.)For the “we want them to love us” challenge: The technique is called “suffer in silence” and essentially boils down to this: learn to stop talking. How do you get comfortable with something that is initially uncomfortable? You “sit in” or “lean in” to the experience.
Try and be grateful for the opportunity to “learn from this discomfort”. You have to re-frame the experience in a way that is positive. If you don’t you will instinctively run from the uncomfortable feelings. Feelings will not kill you. Feelings will not physical harm you. Feelings will pass. Practice and keep track of improvement in this area.
Eventually you will become a boundary setting NINJA!
Like my beloved Melissa. She can drop the hammer and slice you up with a boundary and you don’t even know what hit you.
4.) How to handle guilt:
Here is a Rich Jones original method for addressing guilt.
It involves confronting the irrational thinking involved in your assessment of the situation. Journaling can be very useful. At the top of the page write out the boundary.
Example:“I just told Rich “no” to paying for his rent another month”.
Followed by: This makes me worthy of guilt because…. And let the words flow.
Get into a process of free association around this topic. Then put the journal down. Go for a 5-minute break and come back and read your reasons for feeling guilty. Let me know if the reasons are rational!!! This will condition your brain to confront the irrational thoughts associated with feeling of guilt.
Remember, setting boundaries is a skill. Or maybe more accurately, a habit. A habit is merely a behavior we engage in on a repeated basis. If you practice this skill you will get better and better at setting boundaries.
It may never be easy. But it will become manageable.
Many times, I write a blog post to “scratch my own itch”; meaning I need to solve a problem or address a personal issue with which I am struggling. As I work this issue out for my own benefit, I share it with you. The hope is you will also gain from this process.
What’s bothering me?
BEFORE YOU YELL AT ME FOR INSENSITIVITY: I HAVE GREAT RESPECT FOR THE LEGITIMATE DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT OF MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES. I AM NOT MINIMIZING ANYONE’S EXPERIENCE IN COPING WITH MENTAL HEALTH. I AM MERELY POINTING OUT THE OVERWHELMING PROCESS OF “UNDERSTANDING” WHAT AILS US…
Identifying what is bothering me is easier said than done. I decided to google it and begin some research. I typed in my symptoms (restlessness, distractibility, low grade worry, dysphoric mood, a bit of anhedonia, pre-occupation with work, difficulty making career decisions)
The diagnostic and statistical manual 5th edition (DSM-V) has nearly 300 different disorders in it. So far, if I base it strictly on the criteria in this book, I may have the following disorders:
Adjustment Disorder with mixed disturbance of emotions and conduct
Unspecified Anxiety Disorder
Unspecified Trauma and stressor-related disorder
Or if I want to stay away from a medical diagnosis perhaps I am suffering from:
Mid-life crisis (what the hell?)
Entrepreneurial depression and mood swings!
An existential crisis!
A theological crisis!
According to the Big Book it’s a spiritual malady. Irritable, restless and discontent!
According to others in recovery it’s a lack of self-acceptance.
Or maybe I have not worked the steps?
Or maybe I have not worked on core issues?
According to time management gurus I have too many open loops and uncategorized projects.
Or maybe I a human being…being human.
This is my dilemma, I’m human
I do not have a diagnosis or a “condition”. I have not missed the boat on some type of spiritual conversion. There is no magic answer to be found in any time management system and I don’t need any medication. My condition is serious enough to be a nuisance but not serious enough to warrant drastic measures. I have diagnosed myself and the condition I am suffering from is:
HUMAN BEING DISORDER – NOT OTHERWISE SPECIFIED
That being said, I definitely need to make some changes. The symptoms I listed above are real. I can be overwhelmed with life from time to time. I don’t want to just survive. I want to THRIVE. Therefore, I need to choose how to attack these issues. For me it comes down to 4 essential factors:
What’s happening to me physically? Am I eating right, am I getting sleep? Am I exercising and if so am I pushing myself beyond my comfort zone? Am I sick or suffering from another allergy attack? It is impossible for me to separate the way I feel physically from my mental state.
What happening in my “circumstances”? The serenity prayer nails it with the line “the courage to change the things I can”. If am living with a situation that is unacceptable and IT CAN BE CHANGED, I have an obligation to change it. And, as the serenity prayer states, if it can’t be changed I must accept it. This simple prayer is a mantra for many in the world. However, I would argue few take these wise words to heart.
What’s happening to my mindset? Am I in a growth mindset? What new things am I learning? I cannot stand still. Just like physical well-being I need to push myself beyond my comfort zone intellectually and mentally. I need to find new things, start new projects and fully embrace the mission. With a why I can do anything. Without a purpose, I will stumble through life.
What’s happening with my thinking? I need to stay mindful of my past and how it influences my core issues. I need to be willing to acknowledge the traumas of my past, identify the schema associated with these experiences and explore ways to work through these issues in the present.
These are areas within my control and they influence the other important areas of life. Relationships, work and finances are all positively impacted when I’m on my game in these 4 categories. Conversely, when I struggle in these areas my relationships and my work and all areas of my life suffer.
THE BIG FOUR
1) Physically
I have not been doing well in this area lately. I have 4 businesses that I currently work in. I work about 70 hours a week. I also have 4 children 10 and under at home. It can be very easy for me to get run down if I don’t take care of myself. This category is frequently related to eliminating bad stuff (cigarettes for example) and adding good (exercise). For me it’s about behavior change on the elimination side. I am doing relatively well with exercise and better with sleep. I can’t control my ever-present allergy issues unless I move to Arizona. I need to manage this on an ongoing basis. But there is at least one major problem in relation to physical issues:
It all starts with sugar. Sugar is addictive. This is a known fact.
At FAVOR Greenville, we have a serious sugar problem. Candy everywhere, donuts everywhere. Sugary snacks that are yet to be identified. I have not imposed my will on the masses at FAVOR by banning candy and donuts. It’s an interesting phenomenon. I can abstain during the morning and into the early afternoon. However, around 3 pm it’s all over. I give in.
Here is my plan:
More important than anything, I need to assess where I am in the stages of change? Am I sure I want to make this change?
Do the benefits of giving up sugar (healthy etc…) outweigh the payoff (it tastes really good; I get a sugar buzz). I cannot take motivation for granted.
Maybe I should write this down. There are normal and predictable stages that people go through when it comes to making a change.
Announce my intention to change to people who are important to me. Publicly proclaiming my plans increases likelihood of follow through. I just announced my plans!!!
Bring more healthy food to eat during the day. This capitalizes on the principle of replacement behavior. (I will need to beg my wife to help me with this.)
Which brings me to an important point. Having someone in your corner to support you through these changes is very important.
Move the freaking candy bowl off the front desk. Clearly environmental triggers are the easiest to control. Putting a barrier between you and the behavior you are trying to eliminate increases the likelihood of success.
Beware of the Abstinence Violation Effect (AVE). The AVE is the very natural human tendency to throw the towel in when we make a mistake. When we try and make a change and “fail” we tend to give up.
Develop the mental awareness and toughness to simply refocus and re-engage in the change process.Track my behavior. There is universal agreement. When you track something you improve by virtue of the tracking.
I will use a program on my iPad to chart my behavior daily. Including food.
How are you doing with your physical well-being? What is the issue you need to address? Is it a matter of eliminating a bad habit or adding a good habit, or both.
Once you identify the change then get together an action plan.
These principles are universal.
2) Circumstances
Believe it or not the discipline of positive psychology has identified a happiness formula.
Our circumstances clearly influence or happiness. However, at a surprisingly low level of influence. At 10%, our circumstances are not going to make or break our subjective well-being.
I have much to be grateful for and, truth be told, I have already made significant changes to my circumstances. This was mostly related to work and career and involved a great deal of risk.
In order to identify additional changes, I need to spend some time in silence and actively reflect on my situation. I cannot expect to come to some understanding without meditating and reflecting on what needs to change. For me, simply saying the serenity prayer will have little impact. Therefore, my action plan will include the following:
Journaling for 7 consecutive days on the following subjects:
Work/Business: I have MANY opportunities and that is great. However, I need to get clear and make some difficult decisions. I also need to be honest about what holds me back on these decisions. In my case it is the difficult/uncomfortable conversations that are sure to follow some of these decisions.
Family: Directly related to business; I need to clarify work/life balance and make changes or come to some level of acceptance. I need to focus on the long view and compartmentalize better. I need to maximize time off and think in terms of decades rather than day to day or week to week.
Financial: How much money do I want to make? Write it down and don’t be vague about it. Our relationship with money can be strange. Especially in the “nonprofit” human services field. We seem to believe we must be martyrs. Visualize what you want. Visualize your ideal life.
Work on acceptance:
Acceptance is a very unusual concept. Similar to forgiveness or “letting go and letting God”. How does one “accept”. I believe it is an active process of repetitively identifying “lack of acceptance” and redirecting thinking. It also involves setting an intention and focusing on one area at a time.
For example, if I need to accept my relationship with my parents I must set that intention every morning and then actively redirect that thinking through the course of the day. Remember our thoughts are mostly automatic and we will need to bring effort in order to reprogram our thinking:
Do you have any circumstances in your life that need to be reevaluated? You need to be honest with yourself and take some time to examine your life. Maybe it’s a relationship or perhaps a work situation. Living mindful and intentionally requires time and effort. However, it is well worth it. Then challenge yourself to have the courage to change the circumstances that need changed. Have the difficult conversations and take the necessary risk to live your life. Not someone else’s life.
NOTE: Many of us deal with very serious issues related to addiction. Either our own recovery or the recovery and struggles of a loved one. Some may have even lost someone to this deadly disease. Recognizing your circumstances and exploring ways to improve the situation and/or cope with the outcome is essential to your well-being. Of course, there are very specific ways to get support surrounding addiction. Not the least of which is staying tuned to the cartel.
How we can learn to fulfill our potential”, has brought the term “mindset” into the mainstream.
I am certainly a proponent of the growth over fixed mindset, however, my thoughts on mindset include some additional principles. For me Dweck’s growth mindset is absolutely essential to my well-being.
Dweck’s thesis, in VERY brief summary form, is that people develop a growth mindset (“I can learn and grow and become more”) or a fixed mindset (“I am born a certain way and that is all I can expect from life”).
I know this is a fact and I know that our educational system is set up to differentiate “smart kids” from “average” or “below average” kids and most of us spend our lives living up to, or down to, these expectations.
We must throw off these expectations and not live our life according to this limiting dogma. We must realize that the world was created by people no smarter than we are, they just did not buy into the conventional wisdom of the day.
Never stop learning and growing. For me this means I need to read more books this year than I did last year (at least 23). I am behind pace at only 8 to this point but I intend to have a good second half of the year.
I must also continuously challenge myself professionally.
I will never again be part of the machine in the addiction treatment industry. It is my intention to disrupt the industry. It is my intention to remake the delivery of addiction recovery services from top to bottom.
I cannot live in a static, fixed mindset. What worked for my personal development in early recovery will not carry the day now. I would rather burnout than fade away.
Beyond growth versus fixed mindset: I need to go beyond growth versus fixed mindset. I must develop a mindset of mission and disciplined effort. If I work for the weekend or work for vacation I will not make it. If I think I’m going to cruise when I get home from work I will not make it. I must maintain the mindset that the merit is in the struggle. The journey is the reward not the destination. In order to do this I must get a better morning routine and set my intention for the day. I also must redirect my thinking when I drift into a victim mentality.
Three good things: A conscious effort at maintaining an attitude of gratitude can go a long way. Some people keep a gratitude list. For some gratitude comes very naturally. I am going to continue the practice of 3 good things. Each night, sometimes via posting on Facebook, I will write down 3 specific good things that happened during the day. This practice will condition my mind to pick up on the good rather than notice only the bad.
Peak performance: Similar to Dweck’s growth mindset, Anders Ericsson’s book, Peak, explores the limits of human performance. Through deliberate practice it is possible to become a true expert in a chosen area. I intend to apply deliberate practice to the art of staff development. People are the most important asset in my line of work and I intend to become the best in the world at supervising and developing a recovery workforce. This will help keep me in a growth mindset.
Mindset is essential to your growth and sense of purpose. What are your plans surrounding mindset? Maybe it’s as simple as reading Dweck or Ericsson. Or maybe you want to set specific goals around professional or personal development.
4) Core beliefs, past issues and present thinking.
Thoughts lead to feelings lead to actions lead to thoughts etc… Cognitive behavioral therapy. Rational emotive behavioral therapy. SMART recovery. Even the 12-step programs all rely on identifying thinking and challenging irrational thoughts. “Play the tape the whole way through” for example is all about challenging the euphoric recall and getting a realistic view on what it would be like to use again after some time in recovery.
I would like to go a little deeper than surface thoughts, however, and explore core beliefs and how our past influences our present.
As a certified EMDR trauma therapist I learned about “stuck” experiences and how unprocessed trauma can influence our behaviors. This was one of the most powerful experiences I have ever had. I had always heard this was the case, however, experiencing it first-hand changed my outlook.
Our past experiences contribute to core beliefs. For example: “I’m not worthy” or “I must be perfect”. This leads to us being hypersensitive to modern day experiences and “data” that supports this core belief.
For example, let’s say my core belief is “I am not smart enough” due to invalidating and emotionally abusive parenting I experienced. Maybe as an adult I go back to school and get a grade lower than desired.
This “failure” in school will fit nicely into my core belief. Conversely, when I do something well (pass a test for example) the data will not fit into my core belief.
It’s going to take substantial effort and time to pave new pathways and reprogram this core belief.
I have worked hard on identifying my core belief (“I’m not worthy”) that arose via growing up with an alcoholic father who could be violent. Now I need to work just as hard at identifying when I’m feeding into the core belief or discounting the positive data.
In the same vein, I am going to work on identifying the most common thinking errors that plague me day to day and track my responses to these errors.
The list below is a universal list that all human being cite as being present from time to time.
If I can establish a pattern for these thinking errors then I can self-correct. In time, due to neuro-plasticity my brain can rewire and I can respond differently to provocative situations.
What is the core belief that holds you back?
What are the most common thinking errors with which you struggle?
Awareness is the first step.
Obviously there is much more to life than these four areas. Spirituality, for example, is a big part of life and can go far in soothing the soul. However, I will leave those discussions for another time.
If you are progressing as you wish, if you are doing well then don’t bother with these suggestions. If it is not broke don’t fix it.
However, if you are looking for some new ideas then experiment with some of the things discussed in this post. Do a research project on yourself; n=1. See what works for you and what does not work for you.
More important than anything. Do not let life happen to you. Take as much from life as you can. You only live once. Many people don’t want us to thrive. They want us to assume our designated place in the machine. When you thrive and chase your dreams it makes them uncomfortable.
Our circumstances clearly influence or happiness. However, at a surprisingly low level of influence. At 10%, our circumstances are not going to make or break our subjective well-being.
