My Recovery Journey

My ever-evolving recovery journey began January 2013 when I entered a drug and alcohol detox in Greenville S.C.

I was addicted to multiple substances, such as Alcohol, Xanax, Cannabis, and whatever Opioid I could get my hands on. I also had my bouts with Methamphetamine, Cocaine, LSD, and Ecstasy.

Other than a short stint on MAT, I had misused substances continuously for well over a decade.

I finally came to a place where I wanted a change.

This was not “rock bottom”; it was more along the lines of a car running out of gas and calling AAA for help. It was not because of one of my thirteen arrests or the overdose I experienced many years before.

Nope. It was merely a long ride that had come to an end. I was thirty-four and ready for something different.

My Recovery Journey Starts

After spending ten days in detox, I returned to my home town of Seneca, S.C. where I began attending local 12-step meetings. I credit the members of these groups with saving my life because they gave me the support I needed to construct and sustain long-term recovery.

Engagement in this community was crucial. I had very few coping skills and no support for recovery other than my family.

The members of these mutual aid groups truly “loved me until I could love myself”.

I gained self-esteem, and developed much needed internal and external coping skills that allow me to process my feelings and cultivate healthy emotional regulation. I began working a 12-step program with a sponsor and committed to this new way of life 110%.

Who Could Ask For More?

I averaged about ten to fourteen meetings a week and had replaced my drive to use substances with a drive to recover.

I was told recovery was a life-long process, and I would always need to attend meetings and work with a mentor to remain abstinent.

Well, that was fine with me because I was benefiting from doing so, and my life was improving tremendously.

For the first time in my life I had a job with benefits, my family interaction was great, I was taking multiple vacations a year, and most importantly I was extremely happy. Very happy!

Who could ask for more?

The Cookie-Cutter Trap

I was told I needed to “give back what was so freely given to me”. This was not a problem. I loved helping others, and I enjoyed going to meetings.

Slowly my passion became ideological and dogmatic.

I was convinced “my way was the best way’ and others simply did not understand addiction or recovery.

Arguments with others started as I tried to convince them to do recovery as I did, and admit they were an “addict”.

I had a cookie-cutter mindset that is far from the person-centered approach I now utilize to support individual choice in recovery.

The Next Chapter

On July 1, 2018 some five plus years into my recovery a new chapter of my life would begin as I took a job as a Peer Support Specialist working for an outpatient facility.

I would primarily work with individuals prescribed Suboxone and this interaction would impact me tremendously.

At this point in my recovery, I was open to MAT, but did not consider them “completely abstinent”. Working with these individuals, I began to see they could build social support for recovery, and gain coping skills the same as I did while taking medication.

Experience True Recovery

I believed, what others in my recovery program had told me years, that a person on MAT was still using.

That they could never experience true recovery without what they referred to as “complete and total abstinence”.

After some training, I learned the clinical definition of abstinence, which is defined: compulsive use despite negative consequences. I learned that taking medication as prescribed did not meet criteria for substance use disorder.

Actually, I came to admire many individuals with a recovery that involved medication. I remembered how much those few months I was on methadone helped. If I would have had the support necessary to sustain recovery, I may have begun my process of recovery much earlier.

The Truth

The truth was, although these wonderful people had found recovery, they were not considered abstinent in my fellowship. I realized how unfairly these individuals were treated by some in the recovery community.

Then I realized I had participated in the same behavior myself by shaming MAT.

I did not embrace those individuals with the respect and dignity they deserved.

Through this role I also began publicly telling people I was in recovery. For years, I was told I needed to be anonymous because the general public did not understand me or the recovery process in general. Once I started opening up about my recovery, I found this idea to be false.

I Was Convinced

Most people loved hearing about my recovery, and appreciated me sharing it with them.

I began to build social confidence as I started making new friends outside of my recovery community. I found it was OK to be the authentic me in the “rooms” and outside of the “rooms”.

My core beliefs now became different than the recovery program I followed.

An eternal battle had commenced within me and, I struggled with this dilemma for several months. I felt that I owed my life to the program, and I was torn because I knew that it no longer lined up with my values.

In addition, I also believed that I needed meetings, or I would either return to using drugs and alcohol or be consumed by what I called “my character defects”.

I had convinced myself that I was chronically self-centered and broken beyond repair.

Work The Program

I needed to continuously “work a program” otherwise I would not be able to function. , my recovery journey would end.

I would make statements to my girlfriend that “I am addict and that’s why I act this way” or “I am an addict I am always going to be this way”.

As a clinical addiction counselor, she knew this statement was filled with bondage.

Although my girlfriend practised patience, she was able to see that these beliefs about myself limited by ability to experience the fullness of recovery from addiction. Not that I would be cured, but that I could be set free from harmful behavior and unhealthy beliefs.

All Recovery

I began attending All Recovery Meetings because they allowed individuals on MAT to be treated as equals.

I also continued to work a 12-step program at the same time.

While at the All Recovery meetings I began to see many pathways of recovery, such as SMART Recovery, and Refuge Recovery. These programs also accepted Medication Assisted Recovery as an equal and felt taking medication as prescribed was not using.

I truly enjoyed learning about the many ways people found freedom from addiction.

Eventually, I decided to only attend meetings where my brothers and sisters on MAT were accepted as equals. I stopped attending 12-step meetings but not because I thought they were “bad” or “wrong”. I simply began to feel uncomfortable with the core beliefs of that program.

An Old Friend

This led me to an old friend who had found recovery by attending meetings and using a recovery coach to sustain abstinence.

This person was told that they could attend as many meetings as they liked, but the most important part of their journey was to “get on with their life”. They were expected to eventually move on support groups.

WOW! I found this statement to be mind-blowing.

You mean a person could be OK without constant meeting attendance or continuous guidance from a mentor?

The Next Level Of My Recovery Journey

It made complete sense because why would a person not want another to be OK with or without meetings. I had found a new outlook on recovery journey. I began to feel a new sense of freedom. The curtain was lifted and, I knew recovery would never be the same.

I reached out to Chris Griffin a person heavily involved in SMART Recovery in Greenville S.C. He gave a presentation my job, and I was highly interested in the approach of this program. I had become tired of describing myself as an “addict” and this program did not believe in labeling one’s self in such a manner.

I had learned new language at my Peer Support training, and started describing myself as a person in long term recovery. The person-first language allowed me to let go out the social stigma I felt as a person that had a past addiction.

SMART Recovery Concepts

SMART Recovery also subscribed to the concept that meetings did not have to be life-long. In addition, that a person could gain tools to function without meetings.

I started to feel guilty for having thoughts that I could stop attending meetings. That I did not have to continuously be of service to a specific recovery program.

I felt connected to all 23.5millon of us in recovery, and not just an individual program.

Actually, I felt connected to the human race for the first time in my life.

Get On With Life

Eventually, I concluded that I had healed enough to stop attending meetings and “get on with my life”.

I realized, I was “normal”, and not some self-centered freak that was constantly seeking pleasure.

Having recovered from active addiction, I am now working on merely being a good person like the rest of the world.

I still attend All Recovery from time to time, and I help others struggling with addiction on a regular basis. Not because I must, but because I choose to.

I do not knock anyone who chooses life-long meeting attendance or mentorship. I support all pathways of recovery; one is no better than the other and none are beyond criticism. I choose what works best for me. That means when I socialize with other recovering people it is in an environment where multiple pathways are supported.

No Right or Wrong

There is no right or wrong way to recover and I encouraging other to do and continue to do whatever they feel best suit their life.

I do not engage in a specific pathway or work a certain program. I have found a lot of freedom from the concept of self-management recovery.

Today I still have contact with many friends in recovery and many of members from my old home group.

I have let go of the guilt and shame of not regularly attending meetings. “IT IS OK TO BE OK”.

I will continue my recovery journey and continue to fulfill my potential. I will do what I feel is best for me and feeds my soul.

Meet Michael Crouch.

Michael is a good friend of mine here in South Carolina. Michael is a seeker and finds himself wanting to learn more and contribute more as person in long term recovery. His mind is open and his views are expanding.

Thank you Michael for being a guest blogger here at The Recovery Cartel

The post My Ever-Evolving Recovery Journey appeared first on The Recovery Cartel.

I Am NOT a LIAR, CHEATER, Or Thief.

I was born on July 25th 1968. It was not a voluntary process. No one ask me if I wanted to be here. Nonetheless, there I was!

Of course, I celebrate my life. This is not another nihilistic rant from a Nietzche wannabe struggling though a midlife crisis. Although, I could write that post as well. Been there…done that.

Today, I’m focused on the roots of my addiction.

I was born into a family that had been riddled with mutligenerational trauma. By no choice of my own.

For The Record

For the record, my bloodline also held dear…a Calvinistic work ethic beyond compare. Work… like your salvation depends upon it…literally. This kept us out of the house, distracted and independent.

That reality, along with a superhero mother, allowed us to rise above the terror of my father’s demons. It could have been much, much worse.

However, no one can deny, violence, emotional abuse, insecurity, divorce, and the ever-present cloud of substance use guaranteed that my childhood would include a few scars. Literally and figuratively.

In the 1970’s and 1980’s the general idea was “suck it up”. Today we know that post-traumatic stress and adverse childhood experiences can produce lifelong problems. Including substance use disorders and poor outcomes in terms of physical health.

My memories are encoded with feelings of fear and terror. They are still there. Especially at night. Laying in bed waiting for it to start up again. Worse, trying to predict if it was going to pop off again tonight. What’s his mood? What’s next? What did she say? What was that?

Loud sounds at night make me jump. I can sleep better if there is noise in the background. When I was a kid in Pennyslvania the furnace would drown out the battle.

So…I still need the furnace. Sometimes.

The Message Was Clear:
Addicts & Alcoholics Are Bad People

I took my first drink when I was 14. Older dudes around the neighborhood shared some nasty cheap beer. It wasn’t love at first sight.

But it did provide relief. From that fear, anxiety, and trauma.

As time went by, my substance misuse escalated. I will spare the details because you have heard 10,000 addiction stories. By the time I was 29 it had progressed to any and all opiate based narcotics.

Thank God I was able to stumble into recovery at age 31.

I did some things while actively using substances that I wasn’t proud of and not true to my own values.

I was not a good husband or a good father. However, its important to note. I was not a horrible husband or father.

I jumped into recovery meetings and counseling. Quite frankly I knew I was done with that old lifestyle. I didn’t think much about what “program” to follow. I just followed directions.

Interestingly, 19 years ago, the professional counseling and self-help support groups were nearly indiscernible. I fear this is still the case in most places around the country. Hard to tell the difference between your rehab and your home group. The message was identical. Some version of:

“You did this to yourself. Take responsibility. Do as you are told and don’t question anything…Also, you’re “puffed up” and have an ego problem. Get honest, you are a liar, cheater and thief”.

Looking back, I still have gratitude for the people who helped me. Especially the members of the self-help groups I attended. They gave their time. They were amazing. I have less gratitude for the counselors and “therapists” who shoved one size fits all thoughts down my throat. They were paid for that?

However, nineteen years of personal and professional recovery related experience have provided some perspective.

Treatment Programs & Recovery Support
Built On “Ego-Deflation”

It is widely accepted that ego-deflation is the core of the process for the more traditional recovery pathways. 

This link will take you to some resources on 12-step literature that clearly lays out the need for ego-deflation. This doesn’t mean all groups or all providers apply the principles in the same manner. Some are more confrontational than others. 

However, there is no question that the focus is on breaking you down to then build you up.

For the record, there is very little clinical theory or evidence that backs up a therapeutic approach focused on ego-deflation. 

Rational emotive behavior therapy and some isolated practitioners are among proponents. It seems that narcissistic personality disorder is the one area where ego-deflation has been supported.

The (flawed) assumption that most “alcoholics and addicts” are narcissists would explain the wide-spread acceptance of the ego deflation philosophy.

…the overwhelming majority of those with substance use disorder are not narcissists. It’s nearly 8 times more likely they DO NOT HAVE narcissism than they do. 85% of people with substance use ARE NOT narcissists.

Basic socialization theory (when in Rome do as the Romans) explains why people would go along with the process. Despite their better judgment.

When they said I was a liar, cheater, and a thief I did not push back. I wanted to be accepted. Furthermore, questioning these concepts is indicative of a person who is unwilling. No one wants to be “unwilling”. In treatment, unfortunately, questioning authority will be labeled as “resistance” and sanctions will be used to “get you back on track”.

The process starts to take on a punishing tone. Of course there are rewards at the end of the tunnel. If you follow directions you can expect a better life. I was no exception. Stopping the destructive behavior improved my life.

But I was not, and I am not, a narcissistic, self-centered sub-human. That is not the core of my issue. I do not need torn down to be built up. I need specific support to be lifted up. Fortunately, I got that support.

Trauma Not Narcissism

Dr. Gabor Mate cuts right to the chase. He flat out says all addiction is an attempt to escape trauma.

I’m not sure I would go that far. I think substance misuse is complex and varied. It’s an individual experience and the stages, forms and pathways are diverse. I don’t think we can say that all addiction is related to trauma.

We could say, I think, that the majority of those with substance use disorder have underlying trauma. I know I do.

Most people are more comfortable with the punishing model.

Phrases like “call them on their shit” and “non-compliant patient” are commonplace.

Sadly, many of our professional “helping” institutions embrace the narcissism/sociopath model over the trauma model.

“We readily feel for the suffering child, but cannot see the child in the adult who, his soul fragmented and isolated, hustles for survival a few blocks away from where we shop or work.” Gabor Mate-In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts

Narcissism is relatively rare in the general population. Lifetime prevalence rates of 7.7% for men and 4.4% for women. 

Among people dealing with substance use disorder severe (addiction, dependency etc…) the numbers are higher: 14.1% and 10.5% respectively.

Let’s be clear about something. Compared to the general population, it’s 2x more likely that someone with a substance use disorder also has narcissistic personality disorder.

However, the overwhelming majority of those with substance use disorder are not narcissists. It’s nearly 8 times more likely they DO NOT HAVE narcissism than they do. 85% of people with substance use ARE NOT narcissists.

Therefore, it is likely that the ego-deflating model is not optimal for nearly 85% of those with a substance use disorder.

There is a growing push toward more comprehensive approach to substance use disorder treatment. This includes trauma informed care, co-occurring disorder treatment and the mainstream acceptance of harm reduction psycho-therapy.

Progress is being made but there is a need for more aggressive scaling of these alternative models.

Positive Recovery…

In the meantime we need to emphasize alternative, professionally supported recovery pathways. Pathways that are strengths-based and emphasizes what is right with you rather than what is wrong with you.

Right now the choices are few. That’s just a fact of life. The stigma of addiction does not promote creativity. You keep your head down and your mouth shut. No one was going to invent anything in the era of anonymity.

In addition, decades of suppressed collective intellectual curiosity among those working in the field has contributed to a sort of industry wide atrophy. If you had a truly new idea you were laughed out of the room.

FAVOR Greenville & Youturn

I know. I was the guy talking about buprenorphine before it was cool to talk about buprenorphine.

Fifteen years ago I had to go underground to provide a place for people to get help. My life as a secret medication assisted treatment therapist.

At FAVOR Greenville, and Youturn we are committed to sending a positive strengths based message.

We have developed recovery coaching and educational modules based on positive psychology and motivational interviewing. We also open the doors wide to alternative recovery programs such as SMART recovery.

The challenge is scaling this philosophy. Right now these ideas are the exception.

They need to become the rule.

Also check out our Recovery Cartel blog… and videos.

This article was originally published on the Rich Jones Medium Page, please visit and share with your friends and colleagues. – https://medium.com/@richj_87305

The post The Case For Positive Recovery! appeared first on The Recovery Cartel.

My Experience with “Active Addiction”

I was vaguely aware of what “addiction” was. My job exposed me to the mental health world as I worked within a healthcare system. I was not a clinician so my knowledge remained on a superficial level. However, I was aware that the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) was the “book” used to diagnose both mental health and substance use disorders.

I had access to these manuals via my “psychiatrist co-workers” in the health system.

On many occasions, I found myself looking over the criteria for substance abuse and dependency-as it was called at that time; 1998…

I would read the criteria and read it over and over again. I would dissect the words and see if it applied to me. I was not living under a bridge or eating out of a dumpster. I had not been to jail. I was losing my family…but I had not lost my family.

Most of my consequences were internal. There were consequences:

1. I was never able to sleep.
2. I was “dope-sick”/experiencing withdrawal on most days but didn’t really know what was happening to me.
3. I was using opioid base pain pills that I was getting prescribed (from several doctors).
4. I never bought it off the street. This allowed me to buy into the concept that “it was from a doctor and couldn’t be that bad”.
5. I was always running out early.
6. I was always terrified of running out early.
7. I had suicidal thoughts.

But no one really knew what was going on with me. Not even my family. I was in an internal hell. But it wasn’t dramatic and I wasn’t a “scum-bag, liar, cheater, and thief”.

I was a pretty high functioning person who was quietly, yet desperately, dependent on substances to get through the day. Oh…on a side note: alcohol was ever present and I was probably more dependent on alcohol than any other substance. It was just socially acceptable and therefore I didn’t identify it as the main problem.

Man… I would look at that Diagnostic Manual. I would play with the criteria in my mind.

The manual said “inability to control use” was a symptom.

I would tell myself that really didn’t apply to me because “it wasn’t lack of control. I actually wanted to drink 24 beers and eat 10 Percocet… so I was in control…it was my choice”.

The manual said “can’t cut down” was a symptom.

I would tell myself that I really could cut down if I wanted “I just haven’t decided to yet”…

The manual said “interpersonal problems due to using”.

I told myself that it was “my wife that had an attitude problem” and it really wasn’t on me…

And I looked at this manual over and over…and as time went by I had more and more trouble explaining away the symptoms. But I was always able to do so. Because I was NEVER TALKING TO ANYONE ABOUT THIS.

My mom, my wife, told me to see counselors or “go to AA” and I flat out refused. I was clueless as to what was happening to me…
I turned the book upside down to see if it made more sense from a different angle. I couldn’t figure it out.

Once I went to an EAP counselor and I was just waiting for her to ask me about my use and give me some answers. But all we talked about was “stress” and “career planning”. You see…she wasn’t a drug and alcohol “specialist”. So we didn’t go there.

I just simply never discussed my substance use with anyone despite the fact that it was destroying my life. And it got worse. I did temporarily lose my mind and my family and my sense of purpose and my future….

• Why did it have to roll on so long?
• Did I have to “hit bottom”?
• Did I have to “become ready”?

Or would I have benefited from a conversation.

As you can probably assume…I eventually found recovery and went back to school. I got a graduate degree in Sociology with concentration in Addiction studies, became a therapist, went back and got an MBA with a concentration in healthcare management.

I jumped through a bunch of hoops and got licenses and certifications. Started working in the field in 2001—basically as soon as I entered recovery. And I’ve learned a lot. Both personally and professionally.

Based on all this…What do I believe people need to know:

1). Substance use disorder. – It is a real problem. It’s a brain issue. It’s not bad behavior or just a bad habit. It will get worse and it will not just go away on its own.

2). That said…it takes on many different variations. – Just like other diseases there are different stages or different “species” of addiction. There is no such thing as a garden variety drug addict—as you so often hear people say. The word addict is demeaning and people say addicts are scumbags and liars and cheaters and thieves. That doesn’t help and it’s not accurate. It’s an individualized experience. Don’t buy into the hype.

3). Following logically behind premise number 2. – There are multiple ways to “get better”. There is no one prescribed way to recover. It is an individualized experience

4). I wish someone would have engaged my family in the process. – Families are profoundly impacted and deserve information. Families should be included not removed from the process. Unless their involvement is dangerous for the person needing recovery or for the family members.

5). You are allowed to talk to someone, without making a commitment to quit everything all together and “never take another drink”. This would have been the most beneficial piece of information for me when I was “out there”. I stayed away from “addiction counselors” for years because I wasn’t going to “quit everything”.

6). You don’t automatically need to go to rehab. – There is actually a clinical assessment process that indicates level of care. You would never know that based on the media and based on the behavior of some rehab marketers. But rehab is not always necessary.

7). There are many people in recovery who did not go to jail and/or eat out of a dumpster. – We have allowed ourselves to become caricatures and we promote stereotypes of the scumbag drug addict. I’m sure this chases many people away from recovery. Don’t buy into that… it’s a very diverse crowd.

8). There is medicine available that can support recovery.- Staying alive is first on the agenda. Don’t let uneducated and uniformed people tell you otherwise. It’s not the only option. But it is an option.

9). It may be hard to find people who are willing to “meet you where you are at” in the process of change. – Keep looking. Professionals are wrong when they blindly confront you and prescribe one size fits all solutions. Don’t quit the process based on a bad experience. Find another meeting or another therapist or another program. Be your own advocate.

10). If you are using heroin or “pills from the street” (or apparently cocaine) – In today’s world of carfentanil and fentanyl please understand you are playing Russian roulette every time you use. It is better to seek help even if you are “not sure you are ready for recovery” and let a professional help you figure out options…than it is to continue on until you “hit bottom”. Hitting bottom today means death…too often.

11). YOU CAN GET BETTER…LIFE CAN BE BETTER.

12). YOU WILL BE ABLE TO SLEEP AGAIN…

13). YOU WILL BE ABLE TO LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR AGAIN.

14). YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. EVERY PERSON ON THIS PLANET HAS A SKELETON IN THE CLOSET. AN ISSUE THEY ARE ASHAMED OF. AN ISSUE THEY STRUGGLE WITH… THIS IS OURS.

YOU ARE HEROIC...

The post When I was “out there” in active addiction appeared first on The Recovery Cartel.