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Mean What You Say, Say What You Mean

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Boundaries

Boundaries is a word that gets bantered about all over the place in the recovery world. Actually it gets thrown around in all aspects of life. People devote extensive time to working on boundaries and setting limits within relationships. It is most certainly one of the key aspects of leading a healthy life. Without boundaries you can lose yourself and, in extreme cases, become involved in abusive relationships.

How do you “do” boundaries? What are the skills and guidelines for setting boundaries? Many times, a circular conversation ensues around setting boundaries:

Family member (FM): I don’t know what to do my kid just keeps smoking pot in his room and I have told him to stop.

Very Helpful Person (VHP): Well just set a boundary about smoking pot.

FM: How do I do that?

VHP: Just tell him. Stop smoking pot or there will be consequences.

FM: I tried that. He is still smoking.

VHP: That’s cause you didn’t set the boundary.

FM: What boundary?

VHP: The one about smoking pot.

FM: How do I do that?

VHP: Just tell him. If he doesn’t quit smoking pot there will be consequences.

FM: What kind of consequences?

VHP: Take his phone.

FM: I tried that. He just flipped out until I gave it back.

VHP: That’s cause you need to set boundaries about how he talks to you.

FM: What do you mean?

VHP: Tell him he can’t talk to you like that.

FM: He knows that. He does it anyway.

VHP: Well you need to get better boundaries…  I heard they are having a sale at Walmart. Two for one. Let’s go.

Maybe I’m exaggerating just a bit. I am the king of hyperbole. However, the process of setting boundaries is much more involved than a simple declaration of intent. There are entire books dedicated to the concept. Maybe we can keep it simple by focusing on a variation of the classic saying: Say what you mean!  Mean what you say! But don’t say it mean!  How does this apply to addiction and family recovery.

Say what you mean!

“Saying what you mean” is about consistency between one’s thoughts and words. It is a plea to be honest, to truthfully represent one’s understanding, state or intent when describing it verbally (Runion).  This is difficult for everyone. It gets especially challenging when addiction enters the picture.

Consistency between one’s thoughts and words presupposes that one has awareness of one’s thoughts.  It has been said that the average human being has at least 77,000 thoughts per day and the overwhelming majority operate below conscious recognition. Under the best of circumstances we have difficulty staying in the present moment. Our behaviors and words are influenced by past experiences and future considerations. It is hard to have consistency when you aren’t even sure what you are thinking. It is as if life “just happens”.

Now add in addiction and all the chaos, drama, and fear associated with that reality. I would argue that a family member living through a loved one’s addiction experiences post traumatic stress disorder. Traumatic experiences are encoded and frozen in the information processing system of the brain making thought recognition even more difficult. At any given time family members will be triggered and re-experience previous events and situations.

How can you say what you mean when you aren’t even sure what you mean?

Therefore it is important to gain an understanding of “what you mean”.  What is it that you want to see happen? What is the specific problem that you need to address? One of the ways helpers inadvertently confuse the family even further is by telling them “you need to work on yourself”. This muddies the water because many times the family actually wants to “help” their loved one. I’m hear to tell you. That is perfectly understandable.

After you work through “what can I do” family members will frequently come to the conclusion that they must change some of their behaviors. This is where the boundaries talk comes in. Some recommendations:

Identify “target” outcome-How do you want to be treated?

Remember the target outcome is about you not about the other person. Ask yourself: What do I need to be different in order for my life to improve? Try to avoid focusing on the behavior of the other person excepts as it relates to you. A quick example:

Johnny returns from rehab and is living at home with you. He’s 22 and not sure about going back to school or going to work. Johnny tends to go out late with his friends. He is 22…the night starts for him at 10 pm. You are 50. The night ends for you at 10 pm. Johnny tends to come in at 1 am. You are frequently up all night waiting for him to come home. Even though you aren’t sure he is using your anxiety and worry gets the best of you. The lack of sleep is starting to impact your life. You realize you can’t go to sleep until Johnny is “in for the night”.

At first glance the issue seems to be Johnny not coming in at a reasonable time. Your impulse may be to break off a speech about a curfew and coming in at reasonable hour. However, for a 22 year old 1 am is reasonable.

The real problem is your lack of sleep.  So the target is: “I would like to get enough sleep” NOT a random curfew for Johnny.

This changes everything. Say what you mean in this case is translated as “I NEED TO GET A DECENT NIGHT SLEEP or you won’t be able to continue to live here. Something has to change about how late you stay out”.  The details of this can actually be worked out with Johnny. Maybe this means he agrees to come in at midnight. Or maybe it means he agrees to spend the night with a positive friend rather than come home late.

Mean what you say!

“Meaning what you say” is usually about consistency between one’s words and subsequent related behavior or actions.  This is where the rubber meets the road. Meaning what you say implies that you can carry through with what ever limit you set forth when you “say what you mean”.

The most important part of this process is thinking it through before you set the boundary and discuss the limitations and associated consequences. If you make statements that you cannot carry through on your authority is significantly undermined. It is better to say nothing at all than to make an empty threat.  Of course, this is easier said than done. You need to develop ways of “pausing” before speaking on these subjects.

You also need to develop a team of people who can support in processing situations and exploring options. Parents for example, need to support one another in the decision making process. If there is disagreement around boundaries this will become a glaring problem when the boundaries are enforced. Sometimes a trusted coach or sponsor can help your family discuss these tough issues. Sometimes a therapist or counselor will be necessary. In some cases the parents will need to address deeper issues. The graphic below is meant to describe the importance of having crucial conversations regarding these underlying issues. Sometimes the “rules” and techniques (boundaries) need to wait until the foundation is shored up. For example, its hard to make sure everyone is on the same page regarding boundaries if mom thinks dad is “just not a good parent” and “does not want the best for the kid”. This will require clinical support to work through these complex issues.

In addition to parents, it is sometimes necessary to bring extended family into the discussion. Grandparents for example are intimately involved in many kid’s lives. Extended family members and friend have influence. They need to be on the same page with many of the boundaries that are set in these situations.

Furthermore, parents and extended family should discuss ways to give each other respite and support. Recovery is a process not an event. A marathon not a sprint.

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Once the boundaries are agreed upon it is important to stay involved with your support system so that you can carry through over the long term.

Even more importantly, it is important to communicate these expectations clearly to your loved one. This is where the final part of the formula comes in.

But don’t say it mean!

Addiction is a beast. It can bring out the worst in all of us. The addicted individual will engage in outrageous self destructive behaviors. Stealing, lying and manipulating may become common place. If you aren’t careful your loved one will have you believing that 2 + 2= 8.

In turn this can bring out frustration in the family. Family members can lash out in anger and say things in aggressive ways. Impulsive statements about “throwing you out” become commonplace. Clear communication is going to take an effort. There is no easy way to maintain your cool in the face of an addition related crisis. However, here are some general guidelines:

VERY IMPORTANT: KNOW YOUR TRIGGER AREAS. ASK FOR HELP WITH YOUR BLIND SPOT.

Perhaps most importantly is recognition of your “hot buttons”. If you are going into a potentially conflict laden situation gaining awareness of what gets you fired up is very important. You may need to ask for feedback from you spouse or other family members in order to identify this. Many times these issues fall into our “blind pane”. However, identifying these potential trigger areas is vital to successful communication of the boundaries.

joharis-window-model

  • Don’t confront the person when they are under the influence. Wait until the next morning. Unless it is immediate crisis and person is danger to self or others in which case enact emergency services.
  • Rehearse the conversation.
  • Bring bullet points or a script. The addicted individual will try and get you off track and will bring up things unrelated to boundaries. Stay out of the weeds.
  • If the boundary involves outside forces (ie…the person needs to be evicted, the person needs commitment, etc…) make sure you have all the extraneous details worked out. Paperwork, phone calls to rehab, list of shelters.  Bring this to the meeting. Again, having a family coach or a group to support you in this preparation can be helpful.
  • Have the conversation when you have energy and you are not already emotionally depleted.

I want to go on the record. This is all easier said than done and none of it is an exact science. Please become involved in local support groups and seek out professional assistance as you prepare for these conversations. Managing boundaries is hard enough. Addiction makes is downright overwhelming.

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Go Easy on Yourself, But Do Something!

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Multiple Pathways – Part 2

We say “multiple pathways of recovery”… As if we have to “pick a program” and follow that pathway perfectly. 12-step, clinical support, favor all recovery, coaching, individual therapy, SMART recovery etc … pick one.

Pick one snd do it right. Subconsciously, that’s the message we receive.

Some people pick a path.

And that’s all there is to it. Now and forever. They are on the path. That’s fantastic. Wonderful.

However….

However, many of us pick multiple paths.

And many of us take a route that is not defined as a pathway or program.

The truth is most people figure out their own pathway over time.

With formal program or without formal program. The elements of recovery are many and they are not uniform.

Recovery Is Not Static

Recovery is not static. We adjust. We try different things. And we do it over and over throughout our recovery.

And when I say recovery.

I mean recovery from trauma, substance use, mental health struggles, emotional struggles etc…

The most important thing is … keep moving forward.

Obvious Things

I have been a therapist for 20 years. And several things are obvious.

  1. There is no one way to get better.
  2. There is only momentum.
  3. Hopefully, forward momentum.

And if you are trying to better yourself. I celebrate you and admire you. Regardless of the pathway, program or “plan”.

People get really down on themselves for “slips” or mistakes or not following the plan perfectly.

As if the plan came down from God as the 11th commandment.

We All __________!

  • We all struggle.
  • We all slip up.
  • In some way or in some form.
  • We are all a work in progress.
  • You will figure it out.
  • Go easy on yourself
Recovery Cartel Blog -

Do You See What’s Happening? They Keep Dying!

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The Tragedy Continues

At least 1x per week I get a text, or a private message, or a phone call about someone who has died of an overdose or a suicide related to addiction. It seems they just keep dying needlessly!

Sometimes the details are unclear. However, many times I know the person and I know the story behind the tragedy; in terms of treatment attempts, recovery attempts, mental health, other issues.

Sometimes the person was completely disengaged from recovery.

A person who had never really tried as the disease got them too early. Usually this is a young person.

But lately it’s been people who are deeply involved in recovery and/or treatment.

Actually, a few cases this past 3 or 4 weeks involved people who just completed treatment.

In 2 cases people who were actively in recovery housing/treatment setting when they died.

How Is This Still Happening?

I’ve been doing addiction treatment and recovery work professionally for nearly 20 years.

This is no longer your garden variety addiction. The disease has mutated.

Addiction is such a different issue than it was even 10 years ago; presenting dramatically different challenges.

Expecting More Deaths

If we do not radically change our professional treatment response to this issue you can expect ongoing escalation of overdoses.

I think all options should be on the table for all patients at all times.

All options including mass access to affordable medication assisted treatment with no strings attached.

Perhaps every licensed or accredited treatment organization should also be required to provide harm reduction services?

For God’s sake this is a healthcare issue. Stop allowing people to run treatment programs based on personal ideology.

Dying On The Way To The Bottom

We should not be sitting back waiting until the pain gets great enough and they want to go back to rehab and try to get it right the next time….especially people who have taken that route countless times before.

Rinse and repeat treatment is not going to work in the era of fentanyl and carfentanil.

Unfortunately, I don’t see a paradigm shift coming any time soon…in the meantime let’s hope we can at least get more distribution of narcan. Learn from other states and try to get on top of these deaths.

Do you see what’s happening?

They are dying on the way to “bottom”…

Desperate Times

And don’t say this is how it’s always been… no it is not how “it’s always been”.

These are empirical facts. People have never died at anything close to this rate.

We’ve never seen anything like this ever before in the history of the world.

It actually goes way beyond fentanyl or carfentanil. It’s alcohol and all other drugs as well.

There is a time and place for something new.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Recovery Cartel Blog - Denial

Confronting Denial – What Does That Mean?

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CERTAIN TERMS – He”s in “Denial” 

There are certain terms, many related to substance use disorders, that are universally recognized by people.

These terms are part of pop-culture and even people outside the recovery echo chamber are aware of what they stand for.

Terms like “tough love” and “hit bottom” are 2 examples.

DENIAL

Another term associated with substance use disorder is the term “denial”.

He is in denial. She needs help but she is in denial.

People throw the term around but I’m not sure they even know what the label means. Are you saying the person is not aware of the problem?

Because, technically, that is what it means.

From a psychological perspective, it is a technical term (developed by Freud; refined by his daughter Anne Freud).

The ego utilizes denial to “block reality” because the individual (technically the id) can not handle the reality. It shuts out evidence.

PSYCHOLOGY TODAY

Psychology Today puts it this way:

“when you use denial, you simply refuse to accept the truth or reality of a fact or experience”.

Perhaps this would apply to a person in the beginning stages of alcohol use disorder.

The socially acceptable and slow progression aspect of alcohol use would make it possible. Perhaps someone in the beginning stages of cannabis use disorder.

Again, there is a process and progression that may make denial more likely.

Maybe cocaine use disorder. Early on. Probably the beginning stages of prescription opioid misuse.

But I am of the opinion that “denial” is not the issue for many of the people who receive the label “in denial”.

Many who are “not getting help” are quite aware they have a problem.

THEIR IN DENIAL? – REALLY 

Do you actually think a person addicted to heroin is in denial?

Do they “have no awareness” of the desperation of their situation?

Or methamphetamine or crack cocaine? Or the “alpha alcoholic” who is drinking himself or herself literally “to death”.

They are quite aware that they have “a problem and need help”.

IDENTIFY THE PROBLEM

We can not solve problems if don’t accurately identify the problem we are trying to solve.

The assumption of “denial” sets up a societal response that borders on cruel. The assumption of denial leads to the assumption that “hitting bottom” is the only way to “break through denial”.

NOT DENIAL

  • The issue is not denial.
  • The issue is readiness to change.
  • The issue is motivation to persevere.
  • The issue is access to service.
  • The issue is lack of alternatives and options for recovery.
  • The issue is unaddressed underlying trauma.

But its not denial.

LESS THAN 10%

As professionals our job is to find ways to solve those problems listed above.

Not to wait for the “breakthrough of denial”.

As a society our job is to put money into research for alternative solutions. We need go beyond the mere funding of a relatively narrow scope of practice.

A system that deals with less than 10% of the people with this particular healthcare issue.

RIOTS IN THE STREETS

If there was only one medicine for cancer, and it was rejected by 90% of those with a cancer diagnosis, what would our societal response be?

There would be riots in the streets, followed by a massive amount of money focusing on drug development and alternative therapies. The government would pour money into research.

The American Cancer Society’s coffers would overflow. Celebrities would demand action.

But where addiction is concerned, 90% reject the only medicine available, and we call them “treatment resistant”.

TREATMENT RESISTANT

We tell them, and their families, they are in denial.

Let them hit bottom. Let them experience pain and we can then breakthrough.

FOR THE RECORD

You can not work for, or volunteer, with FAVOR Greenville if you believe people need to hit bottom and break through.

We will work with you to help you gain an understanding of the change process.

We will be patient if you are making an effort toward true multiple pathway work.

But if you can’t get there we will politely and cordially part ways.

CONNECTION

It is our core belief that people get better in the context of a loving and compassionate relationship.

And, although there are times when circumstances dictate hard boundaries, connection is the opposite of addiction.

Connection will bring more people into the recovery process than breaking through denial.

We are seeing this play out everyday.

Just say no

JUST SAY NO TO JUST SAY NO…

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JUST SAY NO, Again by Richard Jones

Understanding the process of human behavior change is a difficult thing for most of us.  We are conditioned by cultural messages of “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” and “ just do it ”.

Our heroes are often people who overcame great odds through sheer will and determination.  Motivational speakers rip us a new one and tell us to get up earlier and never give in.  Self-help gurus tell us that self-talk and surrounding ourselves with the just the “right people” will make the change stick.

They tell us to bring our game to a new level.  Of course, there is some truth to all these things.

However, in reality behavior change is a complex process that varies from person to person. It is especially ironic that behavior change is so misunderstood by the general public; given the fact psychologists know quite a bit about human behavior change.

Neurobiology of Addiction

The issue of behavior change is even more pronounced where addiction is concerned; given the neurobiology and brain change associated with this issue.

Addiction adds fuel to the existing ambivalence around changing substance use behavior.  The individual is impaired and just “not thinking straight” and this makes the change even more difficult.

With the best of intentions we will confront people in addiction and offer advice.  We demand they change and push remedies and solutions. We do this because we want to help.  It is very natural and it is know as “the righting reflex”.

However, in the overwhelming majority of cases our efforts to influence change produce the exact opposite of the stated intent.

Instead of driving the person toward recovery, these efforts drive the person deeper into the behavior.

When you argue with someone about the seriousness of their substance misuse issue they argue back.

As they argue back and debate their position it reinforces the “rightness” of their position.  The more we say something out loud the more we believe it.

Understanding the Righting Reflex

In terms of behavior change the righting reflex is the “common human tendency to try and make things right”.

You are out with your girlfriend and she is talking about her toxic relationship with her mother.  She is going on and on about “every phone call turning bad”.  You can tell she is upset.

You care for your girlfriend.  So you offer some unsolicited (obvious) advice:  “Why don’t you just hang up on her the next time she starts in on you”.

Your girlfriend instantly looks at you like you are a monster from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series.

She tells you “I can NOT BELIEVE HOW INSENSITIVE YOU ARE”….and then she immediately rushes home and calls her mom to report your behavior, pounds a carton of ice-cream, and spends the night bashing you.  Her mother joins in for good measure.  It turns into a memorable night.

Although the above situation may be humorous, the scenario with addiction is dead serious.

Addiction is a Brain Disease

Remember addiction is a brain disease that makes processing, analyzing, and integrating information very difficult.  We are predisposed to defend our addiction and justify our actions and are primed for an argument.

We will debate you to death if it means we can hang onto our substance use.  When someone approaches us with instructions, unsolicited advice, or confrontational statements we will enter into fight or flight and it is unlikely we assimilate anything that is said.

Just say no

 Note: This does not mean you ignore bad behavior. This means you convey your boundaries and plan your intervention in a strategic way. You avoid the arguments and stick to your expectations and the associated bottom lines.  Mean what you say, say what you mean, but don’t say it mean. 

Theory of Change:

People change for a wide variety of factors. Many times, I would argue most times, these factors are not the obvious factors.

For example, we say to ourselves “you would think Rich would quit drinking given the fact he is going to lose his job”.  What we don’t know is the value Rich places on his job and the impact this may have on him.

Unfortunately, the same could be said for the threat of lost marriages or losing custody of children.  Even the threat of jail leaves many un-phased.

However, I believe in the human spirit. I believe all people, no matter how low they have been using, have desires and values they hold dear.

They may not be able to access this easily as it is buried under layers of guilt, remorse, shame, and learned helplessness.  But it is there.  The good is there and their personal values are there.

Change will arise when the tension between your stated values and your current behaviors becomes unbearable.

If I value my family or believe my family is important and I become aware that using is detrimental to my family and I continue to use; the internal tension can provoke change.

IF I AM ABLE TO GET IN TOUCH WITH THAT TENSION.

Use to Avoid the Tension and Pain

Many times, we will run from that tension and use to avoid the tension or numb the emotional pain.

This is where interventions, support groups and professional support can help the person access his or her true nature. The internal tension between stated values and behavioral reality is called COGNITIVE DISSONANCE.

We will also “argue with ourselves” regarding these beliefs or values and the supporting information.  Also, we can talk ourselves out of the dissonance.  We can question our own reality.

This is very pronounced where addiction is concerned.

Recovery Cartel

We believe that the essence of coaching and counseling is facilitating a trusting relationship with the person in need.

If we have a relationship we can process events, explore behaviors, and highlight the existing tensions.

If I break out into a speech along the lines of “change or die” I am highly unlikely to ever see the person again.  He or she will isolate and continue to talk themselves out of the need for change.

We believe it is much better outcome to keep a connection.

We also believe that the process of change is accelerated in the context of a therapeutic relationship.

Obviously, it is difficult for family members or friends to provide that therapeutic relationship. Finding competent supports for the individual in need is essential to the process.

However, family members and friends can develop a realistic view of what works in behavior change. This awareness may save you a bunch of time, energy and emotion.  Be strategic about supporting behavior change.

Deliver Boundaries and Information

Deliver Boundaries and Information In a Matter of Fact/Calm Manner. Perhaps the best thing family members can do is to provide clear and consistent information and boundaries around the substance use.  Try to deliver the information and expectations in a rational non-emotional way.

There are generally accepted “stages of change”.  Many times, we will act as if the person is in “preparation” or “action” when they are actually in pre-contemplation or contemplation.  If we move faster than the person in need we will sabotage the process.

Stages of Change

None of this is easy and everyone makes mistakes.  It’s an emotionally laden experience and many times we will not think before we speak.  Just remember your main goal is to move the process along.

Sometimes this requires a calm approach when you feel compelled toward a more confrontation process.

Come see us soon at FAVOR Greenville family groups or check out my live stream…

Purpose how finding it will change your life

PURPOSE: FINDING IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE

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Finding Purpose by Richard Jones

Finding purpose may be the most important aspect of finding peace, contentment…dare I say happiness.

Mark Twain said:

“The 2 most important days of your life; the day you were born and the day you find out why you were born.”

Viktor Frankl (Man’s Search For Meaning) said happiness is the result of fulfilling one’s purpose.

You will not experience happiness (or subjective well being) by seeking happiness. It is a “side effect” of working within one’s purpose. Or better yet, having meaning in your life.

You can find temporary happiness and distraction in hedonism and pleasure seeking.

Indeed, pleasure is a necessary part of life. However, the pursuit of happiness actually leads to unhappiness. Happiness is a result of a journey; not a destination.

Purpose is ______

Purpose is something to explore at an individual level and at an organizational level. It is different than “mission” or “vision”. It is deep. Purpose is existential and metaphysical. But at the same time it is operational and has a “real world aspect”.

Purpose involves a BIG AUDACIOUS GOAL. It is our “stretch goal”.

Purpose and meaning will also allow us to move through suffering and function (perhaps even thrive) in the face of terrible outcomes.

All of us. ALL OF US… ONCE MORE…ALL OF US are subject to grief, loss, disappointment, worry.

Life is Hard

Life is hard. Our consumer driven culture tells us that we all SHOULD have a “hallmark card” existence. Marketing and advertising executives are masters at creating envy and self-doubt…so that we run out and buy something new. Meaning and purpose give us a reason to go on.

Staying in touch with “why are we here” will get us through major challenges.

Just remember: S – M = D

Suffering – Meaning = Despair.

AND: S + M = H

Suffering + Meaning = HOPE.

My Purpose?

What is my purpose and what is the purpose of the organizations I choose to be part of? In addition, what is the purpose of the friends I choose to associate with?

It’s hard to sum up in one distinct sentence: maybe a set of principles:

1) I need to put my family first.

When push comes to shove I will always put my family ahead of my business, friends, etc… For me this bumps up against my workaholic nature. But make no mistake; financially and otherwise. I will always act with their interests in mind first.

2) Human beings deserve respect by virtue of fact they are breathing.

ALL HUMAN BEINGS DESERVE ACCESS TO LIFE CHANGING SUPPORT SERVICES. This access should NOT BE CONTINGENT on their compliance with an arbitrary “willingness” criteria. Therefore, the office based model is useless in my mind.

I have unique abilities at building relationships with hurting people. As well as having unique abilities to teach others how to do this. I have unique abilities in setting up systems that support the delivery of these services.

I have a moral obligation to reach as many people as possible. EXCEPT WHEN TO DO SO WILL HURT ME OR MY FAMILY.

3) Therefore, my professional purpose is to literally change the way professional “helping” services are delivered so that addiction, depression, anxiety and suicide become the exception rather than the rule.

Eradicate suffering and death associated with these treatable and preventable conditions.

Global Eradication

Global eradication will obviously require a fundamentally new way of addressing these issues. The solution has not yet been discovered. The solution has nothing to do with existing practices.

NOTE: if people find this type of talk “corny” or “over the top” they are not allowed in my circle. I will not affiliate with them. If they are extended family or friends even…I will not affiliate with them beyond the necessary superficial interactions. Also, I care not what they think of me…

I Struggle and Suffer

As a parent I struggle with an ever-present feeling I am not the best father.  This may not be seen as “suffering” in the classic sense.  However, when it gets bad it keeps me up at night and definitely impacts me in a negative manner.

I “suffer” through the self-doubt and negative self-talk for sure as well as the guilt.

I struggle with the amount of time I work and spend a good deal of time beating myself up.

As stated above; I have a tendency toward workaholism and I also suffer through self-doubt related to the program and the business.  I get down and I ask myself:  Why bother with this?  Why are you killing yourself working this way?

Just go punch a clock.  I get full of fear and anxiety related to finances.  As far as I’m concerned…I suffer.

But if I am able to step back and evaluate things in terms of “my purpose”.

3 Guidelines

In terms of these 3 guidelines; perhaps I will come to a different conclusion.  Let’s look at this through this matrix:

1). Have I demonstrated adherence to the principle of family first when push comes to shove:

I would answer that as a yes.  I have quit jobs and I have changed schedules on the drop of a dime when my family was in need.  Our lifestyle currently allows me to work this schedule.  But if something changes with my wife’s availability or with health issues or with school issues etc… I will change course immediately.   I am operating within my purpose.

2). Have I demonstrated adherence to the principle of human beings deserve respect and support and access to life changing services?

This is very important and relates to question 1.  My “workaholic” tendency are played out in a vocation that is not well rewarded financially, that is thankless in many ways, that involves pain and suffering.  I’m not working all these hours to just accumulate wealth.  I’m on a mission.  I am operating within my purpose.

3). Have I demonstrated adherence to the principle of transforming the delivery of services and changing the world?  

Yes!  I have no interest in making a living or interest in creating just another treatment or recovery program.  I have no interest in the status quo, spending all day every day trying to figure out a way to turn this thing on its head.

Find Your Purpose.

Therefore, I am operating within my purpose.  This makes the day a bit easier.  This keeps me moving forward when the voice in my head is screaming “quit”.  This makes it all worthwhile.  This is the key to life…. Find your purpose.

Do an exercise like this… try to get clear on your purpose. I promise it will help.

 

family recovery

Family Recovery: FOCUSING ON YOURSELF!

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FOCUSING ON YOURSELF!  by Richard Jones

The concept of “working on yourself” is difficult for families to grasp. In our Family Recovery Groups at FAVOR Greenville we spend a lot of time on this issue.

The impulse to control and fix is natural. It’s not pathological to want to rescue your child. It is biological hardwired into you as a mother.

You are compelled at an instinctual level to “save your child”.  When people dismiss you out of hand and scoff at your desire to help they are being short-sighted and demonstrating a fundamental lack of understanding.

Kick the Bum Out

When people tell you to detach and “kick the bum out” they are being cruel and engaging in classic “do as I say not as I do” behavior.

These good people would not follow their own knee-jerk advice. If we were to reverse the roles.

Rescuing can, however, become counter-productive and enable the addicted individual to engage in ongoing self-destructive behaviors. In addition, you are going to personally self-destruct.

You can only handle so many sleepless nights and anxiety filled days.

The Worry Cycle

I know what it is like to find yourself in the worry cycle.  That endless path of chasing scenario after scenario.  All the “what ifs”. The negative impact of stress on physical health has been well documented.

Upwards of 70 serious health conditions are directly caused or exacerbated by chronic stress.  The addiction will take you out as quick as it will take out your loved one.

Lastly, as you work on yourself you increase the likelihood of change in your loved one.

Family Systems Theory

The family is a system; changing one part of a system influences all other parts of the system.

Family systems theory holds that individual family members fall into predictable roles and serve particular functions within the larger family system.

In addition, the family system (indeed any system) exists to preserve itself.

Unless acted upon by a strong internal or external force the system will proceed down the path of collective destruction. Given this reality it is self-evident then that any individual part of that system could impact the system as a whole.  Including the addicted individual.

Therefore, when in doubt.

Work on yourself!

It seems to me that all family recovery addresses three interrelated issues:

Anxiety, Worry, and Chronic Stress.

Therefore, why don’t you initiate a practice of focusing on actions. Focus on positive actions that reduce anxiety, worry and stress.

Helpful and Healthy Suggestions:

Become part of a group. We are social creatures. You don’t even need to enjoy the content of the group. Just being around people with similar struggles will prove uplifting.

The benefits of group are clear:

  • Universality – you realize you are not alone
  • Altruism – you get to help others
  • Imitative Behavior – you hear from others who have gone through the same thing and
  • Develop Coping Skills – more adaptive responses.
  • Instillation of Hope—Perhaps the most powerful factor

These are 3 FREE and easily accessible activities which have proven to reduce stress:

  • Go outside, take a walk
  • Listen to your favorite music
  • Smile and laugh
  1. Do something fun for yourself that is solely meant to provide entertainment and fun and not work related.
  2. Prayer and meditation.  Regardless of your personal beliefs we know that prayer and meditation have positive impact on neurobiological pathways.
  3. Find a confidant. One to one. Sometimes you can’t share at group level and having a one to one relationship can be invaluable.  This could be a therapist, a sponsor, or a coach.
  4. Eliminate toxic people from your life.  You have no time for people who drag you down. Eliminate judgmental people.
  5. And most important. –

RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO ISOLATE. ISOLATION CAUSES DEPRESSION. 

It is isolation that is the main cause of depression, not serotonin,

Try a family recovery plan for 6 weeks and
I guarantee you will feel better.

Click Here for Info on Family Recovery

Recovery Cartel Blog - Richard Jones tough love

TOUGH LOVE -THERE IS NO SUCH THING

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Tough Love – Is it Effective or Not

Addiction has been present among humans from the beginning.

There is no such a thing as Tough Love being effective or useful in combating addiction. References about addiction have been written about in the Bible:

“At last it (alcohol) bites like a serpent and stings like an adder. Your eyes will see strange things,
and your mind utter perverse things (Proverbs 23:32-33)”.

The great philosopher, Plato was concerned about children under 18 drinking.

Over the course of history, society has struggled with how to approach this issue; and across the course of history people have been receiving absolutely ridiculous advice on how to handle addiction.

From William Miller and Kathleen Carroll’s book Rethinking Substance Abuse:

“For as long as there have been written records, people have been searching for what to do about the troublesome use of psychoactive drugs. Ancient Greek remedies for excessive alcohol use included placing an eel at the bottom of the unfortunate drinker’s generous goblet of red wine. Historically, problem drinkers have been whipped, dunked, shocked, poisoned with potions, chained, dialyzed, terrorized, and drugged with hallucinogens”.

Problematic and Ineffective

The war on drugs for example has been a war on people and completely ineffective.

Yet it remains our first line of defense and most well-funded response to this issue. We have been prescribed one size fits all services and everyday seems to bring more controversy and disagreement on the “solution”.

People with a substance use disorder are subject to the most outrageous of advice, and the instant experts are everywhere. Family members are also subject to this same type of misguided advice.

One could argue that the common direction given to family members is just as problematic as whipping, shocking or dialyzing an active addict.

Love Your Child to Death

This is most pronounced where parents are concerned. Parents are told they are “loving their child to death” and they frequently arrive to our programs beaten down and self-critical.

One of the most common introductions used by family members new to our group is: “My name is Mr. Jones and I am the poster child for enabling” followed by hanging of the head and body language that reflects a hopeless self-concept where parenting is concerned.

One of the most problematic things I have ever heard came from a person who described himself as a professional in the field. I had the unfortunate opportunity to witness him admonish a group of parents about “enabling” and instructed the entire group (with no real knowledge of the individual family situations) to detach, kick the kid out of the house, stop all contact with the person and “not even give him a baloney sandwich.

We could write an entire blog post on the sad reality of this person’s behavior.

Fortunately, this man may be an outlier (I hope) and most professionals or helpers would avoid going to that extreme.

However, one glance at the unethical, illegal and exploitative A&E television show Intervention will tell you the “kick the bum out” mentality still carries the day.

Guide by Clichés

Clichés tend to guide much of what happens in addiction treatment/recovery services.

There are several that have become universally accepted as guiding principles. Some of these clichés are useful and some are destructive.

“The most troublesome of these is the term Tough Love.”

It is most troubling because it is the most universally recognized of family recovery principles despite the fact it has been shown to be dangerous at worse; ineffective at best.

What Exactly is Tough Love?

We throw the term tough love around like it is the gospel truth.

However, do we have a generally agreed upon definition of Tough Love?

A simple search reveals the following definition:

• Tough love is an expression used when someone treats another person harshly or sternly with the intent to help them in the long run. … In most uses, there must be some actual love or feeling of affection behind the harsh or stern treatment to be defined as tough love. (Wikipedia)

• Love or affectionate concern expressed in a stern or unsentimental manner (as through discipline) especially to promote responsible behavior (Webster’s dictionary)

Harshly or Sternly

Pretty obvious right! The key terms and principles stand out clearly: “harshly or sternly”; “stern and unsentimental manner”; to promote responsible behavior over the long term.

Tough love sits comfortably under the umbrella of confrontation and punishment that guided the majority of the treatment and recovery programs over the past 40 years. Fortunately, that philosophy is being challenged.

But it is easy to see that tough love is part of that tradition. To get a better sense of tough love let’s look at the origins of this principle.

Where Did The Idea of “Tough Love” Come From?

As stated above the concept of tough love is rooted in the tradition of confrontation and punishment that has been such an integral part of addiction treatment and recovery services. Tough love has been the preferred advice given to family and friends as they struggle with a loved one’s addiction.

It made perfect sense given the default approach with addicts: confront, berate and belittle until they admit defeat.

At which point we can build them back up in a more acceptable manner. The tough love approach became mainstream as younger and younger people needed support.

It was a mainstay of the youth treatment movement (boarding schools, therapeutic schools, wilderness camps, behavioral camps etc…). Many kids were subject to these re-education efforts.

Many times, the treatment was horrific. Programs like “Straight Recovery” took tough love to an entirely new level. They are a great example of how good intentions can go horribly wrong.

Most of the time these abusive programs would claim anecdotal stories of “success” (not empirical) as justification for the misguided approach. Fortunately, there is an effort to clean up these abusive practices and much progress has been made where teen treatment is concerned.

Mother Jones Is Telling the Truth!

The online news media website Mother Jones describes the origin of tough love and teens in the following manner: “This harsh approach to helping troubled teens has a long and disturbing history. No fewer than 50 teen programs… can trace their treatment philosophy, directly or indirectly, to an antidrug cult called Synanon.

Founded in 1958, Synanon sold itself as a cure for hardcore heroin addicts who could help each other by:

“breaking new initiates with isolation, humiliation, hard labor, and sleep deprivation”

The connection between Synanon and tough love is important. Synanon was notorious for its abusive practices. The people running Synanon were open about the philosophy.

We could spend a great deal of time exploring the psychological pathologies of the founder-Bill Dietrich-but for the time being it is important to focus on the tough love connection.

Treatment Model for Thousands

As the 1970’s progressed Synanon became the model for thousands of treatment programs across America. Although these programs were not as intense and abusive as Synanon, the culture of confrontation, punishment and belittling carried the day in many of these programs. It became the norm and tough love was launched into the mainstream.

Never Studied or Validated

Please NOTE: Like most other addiction treatment practices; tough love was never studied or validated as an effective approach. It was simply “declared effective” by the founders of these programs.

The other 2 factors that promulgated the universal acceptance of tough love:

1). The culture of the times and the psychological establishment’s pre-occupation with law and order and ensuring the maintenance of the proper middle-class family (post WW II mentality).

If the addict was an embarrassment and causing problems a punishing approach seemed most conducive to promoting “middle class decorum and material comfort”. Families wanted everything to look appropriate and polished. And tough love fits in well with that model.

2). The popular media thrives on confrontation and drama. Tough love provides that.

Being patient and using connection, family therapy and a measured/rational approach doesn’t play well in terms of ratings. A&E needs drama and confrontation to sell the show. They don’t want clinically sound interventions.

Unchallenged for 40 Years

When you put all of this together you get “tough love” as an unquestioned rule of thumb.

Tough love has remained unchallenged for 40 years. We are fortunate, however, to be living in this time. Today, tough love is being re-evaluated and looked at.

It has been found invalid and many new ideas are being put forward. Many will criticize this movement away from tough love as an “easier and softer way”. Well to that I say…thank you for the complement.

We Do Not Need Tough Love

We do not need TOUGH love. What we do  need the appropriate expression of love.

In reality, however, we know that addiction is a family disease and impacts everyone. We also know that family and friends are more impactful than professionals; when it comes to changing outcomes related to addiction.

Therefore, it will be necessary for parents to change their behaviors.

As parents change their behaviors the child becomes more likely to change his behavior. But rather than tough love, think of it as the appropriate expression of love.

Love is an action word and setting limits and boundaries is part of the action of love.

Many times, saying no is an act of love. We can not just stand by and allow our child to self-destruct.

HOWEVER, we do not need to be “tough” while setting these boundaries.

We do not need to be “harsh” or “unsentimental” or “mean” when we set these boundaries. You do not need to completely detach and never talk your loved one.  We can buy our kids lunch.

“We can certainly make them a baloney sandwich.”

Setting boundaries is the most important aspect of the process. Setting boundaries takes practice.

Please check out my post on boundaries – MEAN WHAT YOU SAY

Final Words

Be kind to yourself. You are not a bad parent. You are not the “world’s worst enabler”.

Beware of toxic people with toxic advice. They come in all shapes and sizes and sometimes will even disguise themselves as “experts”.

Behavior change - The Right Reflhard Jones Recovery Cartel

Behavior Change -Truth and Understanding…

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Understanding behavior change

Understanding the process of human behavior change is a difficult thing for most of us. We are conditioned by cultural messages of “pull yourself up by your boot straps” and “just do it”.

Our heroes are often people who overcame great odds through shear will and determination.  Motivational speakers rip us a new one and tell us to get up earlier and never give in.  Self-help gurus tell us that self-talk and surrounding ourselves with the “right people” will make the change stick.

They tell us to bring our game to a new level.  Of course, there is some truth to all these things.  However, in reality, it is a complex process that varies from person to person. It is especially ironic that behavior change is so misunderstood given the fact we know and understand quite a bit about human behavioral change.

The issue of behavior change is even more pronounced given the neuro-biology of addiction. Addiction adds fuel to the existing ambivalence around changing substance use behavior.  The individual is impaired or, “not thinking straight” and this makes the change even more difficult.

With the best of intentions we will confront people in addiction and offer advice.  We demand they change.  We push remedies and solutions. We do this because we want to help.  It is very natural and it is known as the righting reflex.  However, in the overwhelming majority of cases our efforts to influence change produce the exact opposite of the stated intent.

Instead of driving the person toward recovery, these efforts drive the person deeper into the behavior.  When you argue with someone about the seriousness of their substance misuse issue they argue back.  As they argue back and debate their position it reinforces the “rightness” of their position.  The more we say something out loud the more we believe it.

 UNDERSTANDING THE RIGHTING REFLEX:    

In terms of behavior change the righting reflex is the “common human tendency to try and make things right”.  You are out with your girlfriend and she is talking about her toxic relationship with her mother.  She is going on and on about “every phone call turning bad”.

You can tell she is upset. You care for your girlfriend.  So you offer some unsolicited (obvious) advice:

“Why don’t you just hang up on her the next time she starts in on you”.

Your girlfriend instantly looks at you like you are a monster from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series.

She tells you “I can NOT BELIEVE HOW INSENSITIVE YOU ARE”

….and then she immediately rushes home and calls her mom to report your behavior, pounds a carton of ice-cream, and spends the night bashing you with her mother joining in along the way.

Although the above situation may be humorous, the scenario with addiction is dead serious.

Remember addiction is a brain disease that makes processing, analyzing, and integrating information even more difficult.  We are pre-disposed to defend our addiction and justify our actions.  We are primed for an argument.

We will debate you to death if it means we can hang onto our substance use.  When someone approaches us with instructions, unsolicited advice, or confrontational statements we will enter into fight or flight and it is unlikely we assimilate anything that is said.

Behavior Richard Jones

 Note: This does not mean you ignore bad behavior. This means you convey your boundaries and plan your intervention in a strategic way. You avoid the arguments and stick to your expectations and the associated bottom lines. 

Mean what you say, say what you mean, 

but don’t say it mean. 

Theory of Change: People change for a wide variety of factors. Many times, I would argue most times, these factors are not the obvious factors.  For example, we say to ourselves “you would think Rich would quit drinking given the fact he is going to lose his job”.

What we don’t know is the value Rich places on his job and the impact this may have on him.  Unfortunately, the same could be said for the threat of lost marriages or losing custody of children.  Even the threat of jail leaves many unphased.

However, I believe in the human spirit.  I believe all people, no matter how low they have gone, have desires and values they hold dear.  They may not be able to access this easily as it is buried under layers of guilt, remorse, shame, and learned helplessness.  But it is there.

The good is there and their personal values are there.  Change will arise when the tension between your stated values and your current behaviors becomes unbearable.

If I value my family or believe my family is important and I become aware that using is detrimental to my family and I continue to use; the internal tension can provoke change.  IF I AM ABLE TO GET IN TOUCH WITH THAT TENSION.

Many times, we will run from that tension and use to avoid the tension or numb the emotional pain.  This is where interventions, support groups and professional support can help the person access his or her true nature.

The internal tension between stated values and behavioral reality is known as COGNITIVE DISSONANCE.

behavior Richard Jones

We will also “argue with ourselves” regarding these beliefs or values and the supporting information.  We can talk ourselves out of the dissonance.  We can question our own reality.  This is very pronounced where addiction is concerned.

We believe that the essence of coaching and counseling is facilitating a trusting relationship with the person in need.  If we have a relationship we can process events, explore behaviors, and highlight the existing tensions.

If I break out into a speech along the lines of “change or die” I am highly unlikely to ever see the person again.  He or she will isolate and continue to talk themselves out of the need for change.  We believe it is much better outcome to keep a connection.  We also believe that the process of change is accelerated in the context of a therapeutic relationship.

Obviously, it is difficult for family members or friends to provide that therapeutic relationship. Finding competent supports for the individual in need is essential to the process.  However, family members and friends can develop a realistic view of what works in behavior change. This awareness may save you a bunch of time, energy and emotion.  Be strategic about supporting behavior change.

Deliver Boundaries and Information In a Matter of Fact/Calm Manner:  Perhaps the best thing family members can do is to provide clear and consistent information and boundaries around the substance use.  Try to deliver the information and expectations in a rational non-emotional way.

There are generally accepted “stages of change”.  Many times, we will act as if the person is in “preparation” or “action” when they are actually in pre-contemplation or contemplation.  If we move faster than the person in need we will sabotage the process.

behavior - stages of change

None of this is easy and everyone makes mistakes.  It’s an emotionally laden experience and many times we will not think before we speak.  Just remember your main goal is to move the process along.  Sometimes this requires a calm approach when you feel compelled toward a more confrontation process.

Come see us soon at FAVOR Greenville family groups or check out my live stream…

Tips For Families Dealing with Addiction

Tips For Families Dealing with Addiction

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7 “SLOGAN-FREE” Tips

“Tough love” and “let them hit bottom” DID NOT make the list. As our country fights through the “opioid crisis” we see the limitations of an addiction treatment system that came of age in the 1970’s. Today families need as much help as we can give them. Here are a few tips for families dealing with addiction.

(Note: in reality it is addiction crisis not an “opioid crisis”-but the opioid narrative works better for the press. The narrative being that evil pharmaceutical companies got middle class white kids addicted. Addicted and everyone started to die etc…)

These limitations are most evident in the strange phenomenon of recovery slogans that seem to guide healthcare/addiction treatment policy.

Slogans such as “wait until they hit bottom” or “he is in denial” or “these addicts have to want recovery ”.

One Size Fits All

Generated out of mutual support recovery groups, these sayings guide everything from insurance reimbursement to one-size fits all treatment models.

Some slogans are probably grounded and based in fact.

All slogans are generated from a place of wanting to help. But they should not be applied universally and they are not adequate in terms of guiding healthcare policy.

The lack of evidence supporting many abstinence only treatment models is stunning.

The lack of accountability in the industry is baffling.

The unwillingness of some programs to adopt evidence-based models is probably illegal. Certainly unethical.

M.A.T. Resistant

The most glaring example is the lack of acceptance, as well as those being resistance to medication assisted treatment (M.A.T.).

I’m not one of the M.A.T. zealots. I do not promote M.A.T. as the only acceptable treatment for opioid use disorder (that mentality is just as problematic as the current abstinence only model).

However, M.A.T. is an option that is systematically suppressed and ignored by many treatment providers. The only logical conclusion: slogans are taken more seriously than research.

Slogan Driven

Families are also subject to slogan driven “professional” help.

Unfortunately, the slogan-based model has been extended into professional work with family members. Family members looking for information related to addiction are met with their own version of one size fits all treatment.

Family members are labeled enablers and co-dependents.

They are told “you are loving your child to death”. They are told “let them hit bottom”.

OF COURSE THEY ARE TOLD “YOU NEED TO START PRACTICING TOUGH LOVE”.

90% Never Get Help

Most family members, like most people in addiction, run from professional advice and recoil from this approach.

We know that 90% of those in need of addiction treatment never get help.

I would argue even more than 90% of families in need never get help.

They vote with their feet. Also, they don’t come back.

They can’t tolerate the professional judgement. They can’t tolerate being chastised for their “enabling behavior”.

What Does Work

The concept of “working on yourself” is also difficult for families to grasp. In our Family Recovery Groups at FAVOR Greenville we spend a lot of time on this issue.

  • We know there is validity to the idea of family members focusing on themselves.
  • Too often, family members are automatically told: “you’re sick too” and “you need to detach”.
  • These ideas have a place in the family recovery process, however, they should not be mechanically applied to every situation.
  • Furthermore, there is a matter of timing to the conversation.
  • You want the family to stay engaged in the process. Don’t chase them away with this type of label.
  • When someone comes to realize the seriousness of their loved one’s substance use, they are confused and terrified. They are looking for expert advice. That advice should be grounded in sound theory, research and compassion.
  • We also need to over-emphasize the importance of individualized family interventions.
  • We need to understand how the structure of each individual family influences the approach we take with that particular family.

Opioid Use Disorder

For example, there is a big difference between talking to the wife of a 40 year old struggling with alcohol and the mother of a 20 year old with opioid use disorder.

Say it again for the people in the back of the room:

There is a big difference between talking to the wife of a 40 year old struggling with alcohol and the mother of a 20 year old with opioid use disorder.

Cultural Context

Detachment and tough love were developed in the 1950’s to help wives deal with alcoholic husbands.

These ideas made sense in that cultural context. They made sense in the context of a married couple.

Wives should not over protect and rescue husbands. It is not healthy. It is not natural.

Natural For Parents

However, parents are certainly going to react in a protective manner. It is natural for parents to try to rescue kids. Especially young adults.

The impulse to control and fix is natural. It’s not pathological to want to rescue your child. It is biologically hardwired into you as a mother or father.

You are compelled at an instinctual level to “save your child”.

When people dismiss you out of hand and scoff at your desire to help they are being short-sighted. They are demonstrating a fundamental lack of understanding.

When people tell you to detach and “kick the bum out” they are being cruel and engaging in classic “do as I say not as I do” behavior. These good people would not follow their own knee-jerk advice. If we were to reverse the roles.

What About Rescuing

Rescuing can, however, become counter-productive. Rescuing and ignoring bad behavior can enable the addicted individual to engage in ongoing self-destructive behaviors. In addition, you are going to personally self-destruct.

You can only handle so many sleepless nights and anxiety filled days.

I know what it is like to find yourself in the worry cycle.

That endless path of chasing scenario after scenario. All the “what ifs”.

Impact of Stress

The negative impacts of stress on the physical health is documented very well.

Up to 70 serious health conditions are directly caused or exacerbated by chronic stress. The addiction will take you out as quick as it will take out your loved one.

This is why people say: “work on yourself”.

The added bonus is, as you work on yourself, you increase the likelihood of change in your loved one.

Family Systems Theory

The family is a system; changing one part of a system influences all other parts of the system.

Family systems theory holds that individual family members fall into predictable roles and serve particular functions within the larger family system.

In addition, the family system (indeed any system) exists to preserve itself.

Unless acted upon by a strong internal or external force the system will proceed down the path of collective destruction. Given this reality, it is self-evident then that any individual part of that system could impact the system as a whole. This means the addicted individual will need to adjust to changes in any other part of the system.

Therefore, when in doubt. Work on yourself. It seems to me that all family recovery addresses three interrelated issues: Anxiety, Worry, and Chronic Stress. Focus on positive actions that reduce anxiety, worry and stress.

Helpful and Healthy Suggestions:

Become part of a group. We are social creatures.

You don’t even need to enjoy the content of the group. Just being around people with similar struggles will prove uplifting.

The benefits of group are clear:

  • Universality — you realize you are not alone
  • Altruism — you get to help others
  • Imitative Behavior — you hear from others who have gone through the same thing and
  • Develop Coping Skills — more adaptive responses.
  • Instillation of Hope — Perhaps the most powerful factor

The “FREE THREE”

Practice the “FREE THREE”. Easily accessible activities which have proven to reduce stress:

  1. Go outside, take a walk
  2. Listen to your favorite music
  3. Smile and laugh

Do something fun for yourself. Something meant for entertainment.

All for fun and not work related.

Prayer and meditation. Regardless of your personal beliefs we know that prayer and meditation have positive impact on neurobiological pathways.

The Confidant

Find a confidant. One to one. Sometimes you can’t share at group level and having a one to one relationship can be invaluable.

This could be a therapist, a sponsor, or a coach.

Eliminate toxic people from your life. You have no time for people who drag you down.

Eliminate judgmental people.

And Most Important. –

RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO ISOLATE. ISOLATION FEEDS DEPRESSION.

Isolation makes everything worse.

Some people think it is the main cause of depression, not serotonin.

Get outside, go visit someone. Try to do your life despite your despair.

Give it try… trust me.

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