We can do better than “hit bottom”. The Family Recovery Coach is becoming increasingly relevant in today’s battle with addiction.
You walk into a support group, your mind is racing and you are scared to death.
The terminology may be hard to follow. It comes at you from all angles.
Angles & Terms
Detach…
Don’t rescue…
Don’t worry…
Pray…
Set boundaries…
Don’t enable…
Wait until they hit bottom and want it…
You can’t control it…
You can’t cure it…
And you didn’t cause it…
Let go and Let God…
Good advice! But, many of us need more.
We leave the meeting. Keep coming back and it will get better.
But in the meantime? Please consider the following.
Points to Consider On Family Recovery Coaching
Every family should have a family coach attached to them. Regardless of the status of the addicted individual.
The family should be able to self-referral and receive long-term, unconditional support. Without “intervention” being the end game.
A family coach should be supervised by a clinician(s).
There should be an evidence-based model guiding the coach.
Family coaches are not Alanon or Naranon sponsors.
Family coaches are not marriage and family therapists.
Qualified Recovery Coaching
They have lived experience to build on. They should meet certain qualifications and should be held to high expectations.
This is a professional discipline.
Families should shop around for services.
Be careful, the “Facebook Superstars”are NOT qualified to support families.
Family coaches should be reimbursed by 3rd party payers.
And the entire family should be the “identified patient(s)”.
Commercial insurance should step up.
That may not happen quickly or easily. But, progressive, forward-thinking partners are stepping forward.
The future will bring a paradigm shift.
Additional Info – Family Intervention Consultation
When a family situation is complex and the loved one’s addiction presents particular challenges. A formal family intervention may be helpful.
FAVOR Greenville’s Executive Director, Rich Jones, is an ARISE Interventionist. Offering consultation and support services at the FAVOR. Using a compassionate Invitational Intervention™, the ARISE Continuum of Care is a gradually-escalating process.
A process that leads your loved one into appropriate treatment and recovery.
The addicted individual is invited to join the process. Join in from the beginning with no surprises, no secrets, no coercion, and absolute respect and love.
One of my favorite pictures of all time. What you see isn’t always what you get. Behind the polished surface of the Perfect Family there still may be chaos….
In the wake of these teen deaths, the natural tendency will be for some parents, teachers, coaches, clergy, therapists etc… to arm-chair quarterback the situation and cast aspersions.
Uncalled for, and vicious verbal assaults about lack of supervision or “weak relationships”, or not enough God or not enough discipline etc… .
Definition – aspersion – an attack on the reputation or integrity of someone or something.
Divisiveness & Cruel
This happens everyday and divides people but is made more intense in the wake of this type of incident.
This is done for many different reasons.
For example:
Parents are scared and it’s a way of coping.
“We aren’t like them therefore it won’t happen to us etc…”.
We All Can Do Better
Obviously, we can all do better as parents. Try harder. Learn things. But let’s be clear on a couple things.
The guidelines for preventing teen drug use are common sense and it’s awful presumptive to think that these parents weren’t working on those things.
We Just Don’t Know
We simply don’t know the whole story.
Why would anyone make statements that imply lack of parental oversight? And it the parents did “fall short” (I don’t know who gets to make that call) then show some compassion anyway.
Many kids will experiment despite the parents best efforts.
Many of the kids of the people who are judging are experimenting themselves.
Hell, 40-50% of 12th graders underage drank last month.
Is your child or grand-kid in High School?
Did y’all forget to tell them not to drink? Or is that illegal behavior okay?
Educate Parents
There is a productive way to educate parents.
A collaboration rather than an approach that implies a right or a wrong way to parent. We have to go out of our way to empower the family rather than assert our authority as an “expert”.
I’m NOT an expert on anyone else’s family.
Based On 20 Plus Years
I can provide feedback based on 20 plus years of experience and education and my own recovery and my own experience as being as less than perfect parent.
Perhaps most importantly… everyone out there judging these parents.
Y’all got something in your closet as well. The image doesn’t always match the reality.
Look closer at your own family and take care of your side of the street before you pile on.
I know you got your own struggles. We all do. I’m not a scripture dude: but pull the stick out of your eye before you …. (I don’t know the rest 😎).
Is there a list of “good families” somewhere? Who keeps that list?
We are not experts who are here to diagnosis and label you.
We don’t provide instructions and directions unless you specifically ask us for instructions and directions.
We believe in the power of the human spirit.
We believe this spirit can not be completely extinguished by addiction and our job is to meet you where you are and help you ignite your change process.
You can not “flunk out” of FAVOR Greenville. There is no right or wrong way to do recovery.
STRENGTH IN NUMBERS
We know that there is a wide variety of pathways and we know 46% of people figure it out in their own way.
At the same time, we believe in the power of one recovering person helping another. So we enthusiastically encourage you to come see us.
You may be able to do this on your own but it will probably be much easier with others.
IT’S JUST LOVE
To the family members: we know that substance use disorder impacts everyone.
We know that at least 60% of Americans are directly impacted (probably more).
We know that you have been told to “step back” and wait for “bottom”. We are here to tell you that, although detachment is necessary in some cases, you do not have to wait for bottom.
A PROCESS
There is no such thing as tough love.
It’s just love; or the appropriate expression of love.
We know that one family member has more impact than 8 professionals.
We want you to become experts so you can feel confident as you deal with a loved one’s substance use disorder… because there is no magic solution available.
I’m coming out the other end of a very rough period in my life. I’m re-calibrated.
I’m back (I’m gonna rant soon to make it official). People say that wisdom is the accumulation and assimilation of life’s experiences; when evaluated and processed these events provide valuable perspective.
If you come out of an event with new perspective then the event was productive and has meaning.
Making meaning out of suffering is our only hope for a good life. Recent events in my life make this quote I have included in the blog post from Steve Jobs more significant for me.
I will not be constrained by conventional wisdom and the dictates of society…or the dogma of my industry.
Believe me… life is short. Life is hard. Life comes with challenges and obstacles and emotional strife.
Life will punch you in the face. But what makes it even harder? When you deal with these challenges wondering what other people think.
Or when you make decisions based on what society says you “should” do or what tradition dictates.
Think about the people who’s opinion you have given too much value. Most of these people in society who are dragging other people down are suffering at a deep level. Most of the “norms” are random and superficial. Most people follow the rules because it’s “just the way we do things”… Who made these rules?
I may screw things up but it will not be out of fear and it will not be because I’m timid and afraid to take a chance. I will mitigate risk as much as possible (this can be done relatively easily). I will ask for advice from people I respect. I will seek wisdom from people with special skills and knowledge. I will ask my wife what she thinks. I will not stay stagnant just because it’s “comfortable” because for me it isn’t comfortable… It’s deadly…
I vow, I will not make a decision based on how it fits in with dogma. I will move to Montana tomorrow and become a cowboy if I think it will be good for me, my family and my mission….
Can you imagine that? Me as a cowboy…well maybe that’s not the best example…
This last Monday at FAVOR Greenville our Family Group had 72 people in attendance.
We must be doing something right. I have been doing this type of family group for over 12 years. It predates FAVOR Greenville. I am so lifted up by the courage and the hope that these family members display in the face of overwhelming circumstances.
A Different Type of Monster
I have to say. Things have changed. You can sit back and say “addiction is addiction” but today addiction has dramatically transformed into a different type of monster.
Today’s addiction involves younger people and more dangerous drugs. In 2001 when I got into this process around 18,000 people died of an overdose. In 2017 it was 65,000.
The fear and anxiety that families face today is so pervasive.
You can say that “recovery is the same now as it was then” but 18 year-olds with a fully established heroin addiction were rare-very rare. I’m not saying non-existent…but very, very rare.
Is 65,000 Dead the New Normal
Let’s be clear. Our society is failing to address this issue. Maybe 65,000 dead per year is the new normal.
Should we just accept it? I don’t think so!
Maybe the destruction of a generation and the countless families in despair is the new normal. But let’s be clear, we are not even coming close to touching this issue… or mental health…
It is possible that everyone is doing the best they can under the circumstances. This is no one’s fault. It’s not diabolical and it’s not intentional. Nor is it about individual people, and it’s not about individual programs.
It’s not about one approach over the other. This is not about one “pathway” over the other.
It’s simple…society has evolved. Times change. The culture has changed. It’s a brave new world.
Addiction has Mutated
Addiction has mutated. Mental Health has become more pronounced. Suicide is also at record levels. Anxiety is at record levels. Depression is at record levels.
In terms of physical safety, we live in the safest period of time in human history.
We live in one of the most materially abundant periods of time in human history. Yet emotionally, psychologically, behaviorally, we are in a free-fall.
We are addicted and the country is destroying itself from the inside out. These are facts. Empirical facts.
North Korea… Russia…. Iran… these are not the existential threats facing our country…. We will take ourselves out before Putin or the “rocket man” take us out…
We Need to Change or Just Keep Dying!
There comes a time for a deep and substantial paradigm shift. We can keep all the existing structures and systems and philosophies. But we know what the results will be.
We have been witnessing these results over the past 20 years.
There are many things that we could do differently.
But at its core this requires a fundamental change in thinking. Our core beliefs about how we help people with emotional, mental, addiction, behavioral issues must change.
Our core assumptions about what it takes must change.
The most important: professional services could line up under a healthcare banner as a new discipline that is part of a more comprehensive chronic disease management model.
No more fragmented services. Chronic disease management–period.
In-Home Recovery Services
There is no reason for office based therapeutic services or clinic based therapeutic services. Primary funding sources should pay for in-home services.
You don’t need to be “willing” to be in treatment for a behavioral health issue. You need to become willing over time and the primary responsibility for that transformation falls at the feet of the professional.
The family should be the “identified patient unit” and individual reimbursement should be an after-thought.
There should be a new workforce identified.
Specially Trained Engagement Team
It could include peer recovery support but it doesn’t have to be only peer recovery. A specially trained engagement team. Anyone who can do it well. I don’t care if you are in recovery or not. But you need to love the “damaged soul”.
I think that recovering people would be a logical place to start.
It goes without saying that getting better has nothing to do with working a certain program of recovery.
Multiple pathways. Whatever works. Do more of that.
Human beings are hard-wired to notice the dangers and threats in their environment. From an evolutionary perspective being anxious, worried, and “on your toes” were good qualities. However, in today’s world worry is a major and sometimes difficult challenge
Back in the day; worry would keep you alive in a dangerous world. If you were too relaxed you were going to get eaten or stepped on by a woolly mammoth.
We carry this same type of hypervigilance with us today.
The good news is, most of us are not in physical danger on most days. Instead, we tend to channel this energy and vigilance toward psychological threats and potential problems. Dealing with worry and anxiety is a challenge for all human beings.
It is certainly part of the recovery process.
Of course, this also applies to family members dealing with a loved one’s addiction.
A Major Challenge
Stating the obvious. Worry is a major challenge if you are dealing with your loved one and any healthcare issue. This is certainly the case with substance use disorders.
The chronic nature of these issues; The ups and downs; The seemingly outrageous, irrational and infuriating behaviors that accompany the disorder.
You have probably been told: “you need to focus on yourself” or “let go and let God” or “detach with love”. All of this is good advice. If only it were that simple.
If you are in recovery, from anything, managing worry is very important. Out of control worry and anxiety increases relapse risk and decreases quality of life. It’s a very important aspect of POSITIVE RECOVERY.
Perhaps some more information and practical suggestions will help you along the way:
What Are You Dealing With?
First, it is important to understand exactly what you are dealing with where worry and anxiety is concerned. You may have been told you have an anxiety disorder. You may have been told you are a chronic worrier.
For clarification purposes:
Worry: a state of anxiety and uncertainty over actual or potential problems. A chain of negative laden thoughts reviewing past issues or projecting future results.
Many times, worry takes on a problem solving element. An attempt to “figure it out”.
A couple of things right off the jump: The concept of “uncertainty over actual or potential problems” warrants further attention.
We must emphasize that where addiction and recovery are concerned, there are always real and actual problems to consider. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY FOR WORRYING ABOUT THE REAL PROBLEMS THAT EXIST IN YOUR LIFE. That is normal.
The issue gets more serious when you become consumed. When you worry about worry. When it debilitates and distracts you in a damaging manner.
Here is some practical advice and a couple of ideas to assist you in coping with worry and anxiety.
1) Try to stay in the present moment.
Worry involves an almost compulsive tendency to project future outcomes and/or ruminate on past issues.
Staying in the present moment is a SKILL that you can develop over time:
a) Daily practice to stay grounded include meditation, prayer, and mindfulness exercises. A couple other exercises include: turning off the music/radio as you drive to work; pay attention to your surroundings; many times we drive to work on automatic pilot.
b) In the moment exercises: When you find your mind wandering bring yourself back and place intentional focus on whatever activity is in front of you. Literally talk to yourself. In you mind walk yourself through the activity (“I am now calling the next customer”; “I am now grading these papers” etc…)
2) DO NOT try and suppress the worry by berating yourself.
DO NOT “worry about worry”. As we try and push down a thought or an emotion it tends to gain strength. Instead try to accept and observe the worry and “ride it out”. Remember, what you fight gets stronger. Accept the situation, observe the feelings and it will dissipate quicker than you may anticipate.
3) Try to focus on the positive things in your life.
Our brain picks up on the negative but we need to be intentional about noticing the positive.
Every day write down 3 good things that happened that day. Rather than a general gratitude list, “3 good things” should focus on very specific things that happened throughout the course of the day.
Write it down. Preferably at the end of the day; same time every day.
Try these things. Commit to 30 days of reprogramming yourself. See if it improves.
I am a human being who dealt with a health condition called substance use disorder via a recovery program and lifestyle management strategies. For me it includes meetings, one to one support and continuous effort at self-improvement. I am forever grateful for those who helped me early.
However, it’s important to note: some of my greatest support has come from outside of the “Recovery Bubble”.
NOTE: **There was a time in the not so distant past where I would not say these type of things for fear I would get thrown out of the Recovery Club. Thankfully I’ve matured.**
I’m not some alien from another planet fundamentally different from all the other inhabitants of earth.
I reject the “normies” vs those in the recovery paradigm. I reject the addictive thinking paradigm. It’s “human thinking” not addictive thinking. I reject that I am not able to experience the full range of human emotions for fear that I may “pick up”. Anger is not to be feared.
I reject that I need to spend the rest of my life separating myself from humanity. I reject the paradigm that one must do recovery in a certain manner via a certain type of program.
I’m just a dude who doesn’t drink or use drugs. And I am interested in living life to the fullest. I have overcome a very serious healthcare issue and want to help others do the same. That’s it…. Period!
The Recovery Echo Chamber
Furthermore, I believe everyone is recovering from something. And rather than separating ourselves we should join together. It’s wellness. Health. Mental health. Emotional health. Only then will we impact society. Until then we will just continue to preach to the choir. Attending rallies full of other addictive thinking aliens.
SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF OUR LUNGS IN OUR ADDICTION RECOVERY ECHO CHAMBER.
I first noticed the universal nature of recovery when working with families. Many people promote a separation between the individual and the family. In general, the individual is encouraged to do their own recovery and the family may or may not engage.
Either way, the recovering individual enters into a secret society. However, as I began to work with families I saw undeniable similarities. For example:
The family also engaged in a behavior that, at first, provided a sense of relief. However, the behavior quickly turns into a self-destructive act that is compulsive in nature. For example, the family “uses” rescuing over and over despite clear consequences.
As time progresses, the family entered into a type of denial around both the seriousness of their loved one’s issues and the reality of their behaviors. This serves to protect the enabling behavior in the same way that denial helps the addicted individual protect his addiction.
I also saw that, just like the person in addiction, family members required support and intervention to get free from these cycles of self-destruction. Just like the addicted individual family members went through predictable stages of change.
Beyond the Bounds of Addiction
Then I began to look beyond substance use disorders. I am a certified EMDR trauma therapist and a Certified Employee Assistance Professional.
I own an EAP company and maintain a private practice. I see people who are dealing with a wide variety of issues. I have always known that recovery goes beyond the bounds of addiction.
However, I never thought much about it. Addiction was always the most significant issue and my obsession was eradicating it from my life and my kids lives. And…saving the world.
And then I began to reflect on my own life…
I selfishly moved my family to South Carolina for “my career” and turned their lives upside down.
I started to see my own daughter struggle through this isolative, fragmented, and disjointed world. A world made worse by my self-centered move and my tunnel vision surrounding addiction.
Her struggles weren’t related to addiction so I didn’t see them as I should have.
I had become so myopic in my views. I operated with the unspoken point of view that people grow out of toxic stress and emotional problems come and go. But addiction, that’s what we need to worry about. I tend to see the world through the lens of addiction. Everything goes back to addiction. (Hell, in today’s world everything goes back to the opioid epidemic and overdoses).
In the meantime, my daughter was navigating this ridiculous world of impression management, toxic masculinity, social media isolation, self-imposed pressure, and my absenteeism. She found herself associating with some of the most disingenuous fake people on the face of the planet.
I let her down. I did not defend her or support her as much as I should have because I was obsessed with saving the world from addiction. Fortunately, we have a strong family and she is a strong person. We have gotten control of this situation.
I’m sorry Elizabeth…. I won’t make this mistake again.
The Problems of this Society:
However, it makes me wonder. Why do we define recovery so narrowly and why do we ignore the enormity of the problems of this society:
We live in a world where 64% of college students report severe anxiety and panic attacks.
44,965 Americans die by suicide every year.
Suicide is the second leading cause of death for people age 10-24
Toxic masculinity is a real issue. It refers to the socially-constructed attitudes that describe the masculine gender role as violent, unemotional, sexually aggressive, and so forth.
Technology and social media has brought great progress. However, at the same time we are at its mercy.
Depression and loneliness is at an all time high. You can be constantly connected and constantly alone.
If you are marginalized in school or among your peers you are never going to be able to escape it due to the ever-present social media access. It’s like 24 hours 365 days of middle school.
It is for these reasons that the RECOVERY CARTEL will pivot just a bit.
We are going to maintain our focus on addiction. We intend to continue to bring you the most up to date and insightful information on recovery from addiction. However, we also intend to broaden our scope. We will focus on mental health, stress management, growing up, parenting, and all things recovery.
But please note: we intend to pursue these topics with the same vigor and aggression we bring to all things associated with the Recovery Cartel. We not going to go all “therapist” on you.
We believe that the most important aspect of recovery is human connection. Actually, we know that the most important aspect of recovery is human connection.
Addiction has been present among humans from the beginning.
There is no such a thing as Tough Love being effective or useful in combating addiction. References about addiction have been written about in the Bible:
“At last it (alcohol) bites like a serpent and stings like an adder. Your eyes will see strange things, and your mind utter perverse things (Proverbs 23:32-33)”.
The great philosopher, Plato was concerned about children under 18 drinking.
Over the course of history, society has struggled with how to approach this issue; and across the course of history people have been receiving absolutely ridiculous advice on how to handle addiction.
“For as long as there have been written records, people have been searching for what to do about the troublesome use of psychoactive drugs. Ancient Greek remedies for excessive alcohol use included placing an eel at the bottom of the unfortunate drinker’s generous goblet of red wine. Historically, problem drinkers have been whipped, dunked, shocked, poisoned with potions, chained, dialyzed, terrorized, and drugged with hallucinogens”.
Problematic and Ineffective
The war on drugs for example has been a war on people and completely ineffective.
Yet it remains our first line of defense and most well-funded response to this issue. We have been prescribed one size fits all services and everyday seems to bring more controversy and disagreement on the “solution”.
People with a substance use disorder are subject to the most outrageous of advice, and the instant experts are everywhere. Family members are also subject to this same type of misguided advice.
One could argue that the common direction given to family members is just as problematic as whipping, shocking or dialyzing an active addict.
Love Your Child to Death
This is most pronounced where parents are concerned. Parents are told they are “loving their child to death” and they frequently arrive to our programs beaten down and self-critical.
One of the most common introductions used by family members new to our group is: “My name is Mr. Jones and I am the poster child for enabling” followed by hanging of the head and body language that reflects a hopeless self-concept where parenting is concerned.
One of the most problematic things I have ever heard came from a person who described himself as a professional in the field. I had the unfortunate opportunity to witness him admonish a group of parents about “enabling” and instructed the entire group (with no real knowledge of the individual family situations) to detach, kick the kid out of the house, stop all contact with the person and “not even give him a baloney sandwich.
We could write an entire blog post on the sad reality of this person’s behavior.
Fortunately, this man may be an outlier (I hope) and most professionals or helpers would avoid going to that extreme.
However, one glance at the unethical, illegal and exploitative A&E television show Intervention will tell you the “kick the bum out” mentality still carries the day.
Guide by Clichés
Clichés tend to guide much of what happens in addiction treatment/recovery services.
There are several that have become universally accepted as guiding principles. Some of these clichés are useful and some are destructive.
“The most troublesome of these is the term Tough Love.”
It is most troubling because it is the most universally recognized of family recovery principles despite the fact it has been shown to be dangerous at worse; ineffective at best.
What Exactly is Tough Love?
We throw the term tough love around like it is the gospel truth.
However, do we have a generally agreed upon definition of Tough Love?
A simple search reveals the following definition:
• Tough love is an expression used when someone treats another person harshly or sternly with the intent to help them in the long run. … In most uses, there must be some actual love or feeling of affection behind the harsh or stern treatment to be defined as tough love. (Wikipedia)
• Love or affectionate concern expressed in a stern or unsentimental manner (as through discipline) especially to promote responsible behavior (Webster’s dictionary)
Harshly or Sternly
Pretty obvious right! The key terms and principles stand out clearly: “harshly or sternly”; “stern and unsentimental manner”; to promote responsible behavior over the long term.
Tough love sits comfortably under the umbrella of confrontation and punishment that guided the majority of the treatment and recovery programs over the past 40 years. Fortunately, that philosophy is being challenged.
But it is easy to see that tough love is part of that tradition. To get a better sense of tough love let’s look at the origins of this principle.
Where Did The Idea of “Tough Love” Come From?
As stated above the concept of tough love is rooted in the tradition of confrontation and punishment that has been such an integral part of addiction treatment and recovery services. Tough love has been the preferred advice given to family and friends as they struggle with a loved one’s addiction.
It made perfect sense given the default approach with addicts: confront, berate and belittle until they admit defeat.
At which point we can build them back up in a more acceptable manner. The tough love approach became mainstream as younger and younger people needed support.
It was a mainstay of the youth treatment movement (boarding schools, therapeutic schools, wilderness camps, behavioral camps etc…). Many kids were subject to these re-education efforts.
Many times, the treatment was horrific. Programs like “Straight Recovery” took tough love to an entirely new level. They are a great example of how good intentions can go horribly wrong.
Most of the time these abusive programs would claim anecdotal stories of “success” (not empirical) as justification for the misguided approach. Fortunately, there is an effort to clean up these abusive practices and much progress has been made where teen treatment is concerned.
Mother Jones Is Telling the Truth!
The online news media website Mother Jonesdescribes the origin of tough love and teens in the following manner: “This harsh approach to helping troubled teens has a long and disturbing history. No fewer than 50 teen programs… can trace their treatment philosophy, directly or indirectly, to an antidrug cult called Synanon.
Founded in 1958, Synanon sold itself as a cure for hardcore heroin addicts who could help each other by:
“breaking new initiates with isolation, humiliation, hard labor, and sleep deprivation”
The connection between Synanon and tough love is important. Synanon was notorious for its abusive practices. The people running Synanon were open about the philosophy.
We could spend a great deal of time exploring the psychological pathologies of the founder-Bill Dietrich-but for the time being it is important to focus on the tough love connection.
Treatment Model for Thousands
As the 1970’s progressed Synanon became the model for thousands of treatment programs across America. Although these programs were not as intense and abusive as Synanon, the culture of confrontation, punishment and belittling carried the day in many of these programs. It became the norm and tough love was launched into the mainstream.
Never Studied or Validated
Please NOTE: Like most other addiction treatment practices; tough love was never studied or validated as an effective approach. It was simply “declared effective” by the founders of these programs.
The other 2 factors that promulgated the universal acceptance of tough love:
1). The culture of the times and the psychological establishment’s pre-occupation with law and order and ensuring the maintenance of the proper middle-class family (post WW II mentality).
If the addict was an embarrassment and causing problems a punishing approach seemed most conducive to promoting “middle class decorum and material comfort”. Families wanted everything to look appropriate and polished. And tough love fits in well with that model.
2). The popular media thrives on confrontation and drama. Tough love provides that.
Being patient and using connection, family therapy and a measured/rational approach doesn’t play well in terms of ratings. A&E needs drama and confrontation to sell the show. They don’t want clinically sound interventions.
Unchallenged for 40 Years
When you put all of this together you get “tough love” as an unquestioned rule of thumb.
Tough love has remained unchallenged for 40 years. We are fortunate, however, to be living in this time. Today, tough love is being re-evaluated and looked at.
It has been found invalid and many new ideas are being put forward. Many will criticize this movement away from tough love as an “easier and softer way”. Well to that I say…thank you for the complement.
We Do Not Need Tough Love
We do not need TOUGH love. What we do need the appropriate expression of love.
In reality, however, we know that addiction is a family disease and impacts everyone. We also know that family and friends are more impactful than professionals; when it comes to changing outcomes related to addiction.
Therefore, it will be necessary for parents to change their behaviors.
As parents change their behaviors the child becomes more likely to change his behavior. But rather than tough love, think of it as the appropriate expression of love.
Love is an action word and setting limits and boundaries is part of the action of love.
Many times, saying no is an act of love. We can not just stand by and allow our child to self-destruct.
HOWEVER, we do not need to be “tough” while setting these boundaries.
We do not need to be “harsh” or “unsentimental” or “mean” when we set these boundaries. You do not need to completely detach and never talk your loved one. We can buy our kids lunch.
“We can certainly make them a baloney sandwich.”
Setting boundaries is the most important aspect of the process. Setting boundaries takes practice.
An interesting development is unfolding within the addiction treatment and recovery “industry”. An emerging emphasis on family recovery.
Treatment programs are promoting their “family recovery” support services and recovery organizations are also touting the merits of family involvement. The term “family recovery coach” is become more and more mainstream.
This is a positive step. However, I will go on the record. Family recovery support services go way beyond a workshop addressing detachment and enabling. Family recovery support services fall on a continuum. Any level of support is better than no level of support. But, let’s be clear. Not all family recovery support services are created equal.
Of course, I believe the Family Recovery Support Services we offer are top notch. FAVOR Greenville has provided over 15,000 hours of family recovery coaching in a wide variety of settings.
We have engaged over 8,000 family members in individualized family recovery services since 2013.
What We Have Learned
We have learned what works and what doesn’t. We have learned the best way to engage family members in the process. We have learned how to provide consistent and effective supervision and continuing education to maximize the performance of our family coaches.
There is the “theory” of family recovery coaching and then there is the practice of family recovery coaching. Our reference point is the actual practice backed by solid theoretical foundation.
We offer a family recovery group on Monday Nights at FAVOR Greenville that averages 50 plus participants.
We talk a lot about accepting and dealing with the fear associated with living with a loved one’s active addiction. I am struck with the devastating nature of this CHRONIC disease and the deep impact it has on family members. There is a stark reality; it seems we are never out of the woods where addiction is concerned.
“Families just want to see light at the end of the tunnel.” – Rich Jones
We hear consistent stories from family members and we have been able to identify themes of family recovery. We know that family recovery, just as the addicted person’s recovery, occurs in stages. A common issue is the lack of recognition of the individual family journey.
Family members are frequently pushed to make decisions to “detach” and to “kick him out” before they are ready to make such a move. They are told they are “enablers” and they are “going to love their kid to death”. Some of the people saying these things are misinformed. Some are dogmatic and hold tight to antiquated beliefs. Some just don’t know what else to say so they turn to clichés.
Tragically, some are motivated by filling beds and use fear to push the family toward an intervention.
They have been told they “are sick too” and they need to work on themselves. They are told they cannot do anything about their loved one’s disease and they should “focus on their own recovery”. Many of the families run from support when confronted in these ways.
Many times, families arrive to group in a confused and terrified state.
What do we say to these families?
First, it’s okay to try and figure out a way to help your loved one.
Maybe an intervention is in order. Maybe your loved one is willing but you can’t find a resource. Maybe your loved one is already doing some type of recovery and you want to know how to support him.
These are all legitimate questions Our group and individual sessions address these types of inquiries.
***Please see our family recovery page and our Recovery Cartel YouTube Channel. We have a plethora of video support and information available.
In addition, we would want these families to know there are ways to begin their own recovery process. If they are ready there are steps that can be taken. It’s counter-intuitive but rather than obsess on loved one’s welfare focus on your own recovery plan. Your family recovery can positively impact your loved one’s recovery.
There are some universal basic suggestions to follow:
1). Practice daily maintenance/daily routine.
Morning prayer; devotionals; reading recovery related literature; exercise; talking to healthy people. Most people focus on “book-end” prayer or meditation routines. Starting the day with silence and prayer can help with stress and centering an otherwise chaotic world. Ending the day with gratitude in the face of addiction can bring unforeseen peace and rewards. It takes discipline but the payoff is real.
2). Find a way to address the inevitable stress and anxiety that arises throughout the day.
You will find yourself obsessing on your loved one’s welfare. Worry will be an all-day reality. A suggested stress reducer: Tap into the “The Free Three”: get outside; laugh; listen to music.
3). Re-fire to Re-wire: continuously redirect worry and rumination.
For example, tell yourself, “Dear God please remove this thought…” If that is not your style focus on your own mantra. You need to address the rumination in the moment and consistently redirect your thinking over and over and over and over throughout the day.
4). Get clear on what you can do and what you can’t do…in terms of helping your loved one.
Having clarity that you have explored all options will make it more likely you can focus on yourself.
5). Have a crisis plan.
No one should be subject to physical, verbal abuse or threatening. Be willing to call 911. Get educated on the commitment process in your state. Get educated on the legal process and remember that the legal system can sometimes be your friend.
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I read a very insightful article in NEW YORK TIMES Sunday on families living with a person in active addiction.
The article essentially chronicled the exhausting and never-ending journey of dealing with the issue of addiction. The violence, the conflict, in and out of treatment, in and out of jail, the constant worry, the financial implications and the list goes on and on.
The story highlights one case where the addicted individual has 4 overdoses in 6 hours.
We know the tragedy of losing a loved one to overdose. Unfortunately, we hear about this quite often. More often the person stays alive and that is good news. However, these families are faced with an entirely different level of chronic stress and ongoing torment. These families are being torn apart.
This is why we need to turn our full attention to helping the family. The way things are set up now the family is an after-thought. In some rare cases there are family programs while the “addicted person” is in treatment. Sometimes there is ongoing follow up. The best-case scenario being a year of after-care support; which is more often focused on the addicted individual not the family.
Staff from rehab and/or staff from the local outpatient clinic are not engaged with the process long term.
Even if a person was somehow in a program for a year it is still just a fraction of the lifelong recovery process. In most cases, long after treatment has been “completed”, and the family/client are a distant memory, the struggle continues.
The facts are: most people bounce from rehab to rehab. It’s not unusual to hear about $100,000 or more being spent. Despite the money the struggle persists. Those of us who “get recovery” are blessed beyond belief. We are miracles.
But our personal good fortune doesn’t erase the reality of this CHRONIC, relapsing disease.
THIS IS WHY WE TURN OUR FULL ATTENTION TO THE FAMILY.
The family is going to bear the full burden of this disease. Detachment was created for wives of alcoholic middle-aged men. Not parents of heroin users. Families are going to need to become mini experts and accomplished system navigators.
Our family Recovery coaching is a family to family model. An assertive and aggressive model where you learn to trust your own judgement and follow your plan rather than “calling the 1-800-GET-HELP” number pushed by the some in the treatment industry.
If you are a family in need we recommend you take the following actions immediately:
1). Read, get educated, learn what addiction is:
Learn what Recovery options are. You can access the recovery cartel site for basic information. Attending support groups can help. Reading can help. Be careful where you get your information. There are many self-proclaimed experts out there.
2). Become an expert on what your insurance will cover.
Get ready to appeal denials. Understanding your insurance benefits is a very difficult process.
You will need to be very aggressive and persistent with the admission teams and with the insurance company. The insurance company’s strategy is to wear you down. The denials are usually not appealed and the insurance industry fully understands that reality. They are banking on you letting it go.
The stigma and embarrassment around this issue will keep you from asking questions.
3). Start to develop your “team”:
Are we all on the same page and what are our options? Do you believe that your loved one is dealing with addiction? What about others in the family? In general, the more people involved the better. However, you need to make sure everyone is on the same page. Mixed messages are not good.
4). Support groups.
Whatever is available in your area. Try different types. Al-Anon, Naranon, if you are fortunate enough to be in the Upstate of South Carolina check-out FAVOR family recovery groups.
5). Develop “crisis” plan:
What are you going to do if the person is violent? If their use escalates and their life is in danger? Research the commitment process in your area. Understand the law as it relates to “kicking a person out” of your home. Call 911 when in doubt. Sometimes legal charges are a blessing in disguise.
6). Develop “save my loved one” plan:
This involves finding rehab and/or recovery programs. It often involves an intervention. It involves setting up new boundaries.
Again, the importance of having everyone on the same page can not be over-emphasized enough. Sometimes you can start with a family meeting rather than an intervention. The power of the family can be very profound. You need to prep for the meeting and have the details worked out regarding program placement ahead of time.
Also, compromise is sometimes necessary. Depending on the circumstances, it is sometimes appropriate to settle on a less than ideal resolution. For example, you wanted your loved one in rehab but he has agreed to intensive outpatient. Maybe you take that deal.
7) Develop your own “family recovery plan”:
This can be hard for many family members to understand. Your own family recovery plan involves you focusing on yourself. You need to find a way to have a good day independent of the status of your loved one. You need help and support in managing your emotions and your stress. Support groups can help with this process. Therapist, coaches, sponsors as well.
8) surround yourself with positive supports to help you stay on plan(s):
You don’t have time or energy to deal with negative and toxic people. Your stress level is high enough. All those self-righteous people who want to pass judgment on the situation. Eliminate them from your personal universe.
None of this is easy.
Family members have to view this as a long-term process rather than a single event. There will be ongoing need to course correct. There will be ups and downs. The key is to not get too high or too low.
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We are here for you and we know the journey will continue!
